You Might Not Be Riding A Real Motorcycle If ...
(VERY tongue in cheek.  Deal with it.)

• Your motorcycle has a reverse gear.
• You don't kill bugs with your helmet.
• You installed a cup holder.
• Your wheels have metal spokes.
• It takes NO skill to ride.
• Your motorcycle has more than two headlights.
• Your motorcycle has a redline below 10,000 RPM.
• Your motorcycle has a heater.
• You have to use an intercom to talk to your passenger.
• Your motorcycle won't wheelie (aka "You Can't Get The Front End Up Without A Crane" Syndrome).
• The dry weight is greater than 600 lbs.
• Your motorcycle has a trailer hitch.
• You have a hardpoint for the attachment of a sidecar.
• Your motorcycle takes longer than 5 seconds to get to 60mph.
• Your motorcycle doesn't have a chain.
• Your motorcycle is more loud than fast.
• Your seat is right over the rear tire.
• Your headlight has a shroud.
• Your tail light has a color dot.
• You have a cruise control.
• Black is the only color that accessorizes well.
• You need more than two people to put it on the center stand.
• It has a center stand.
• You installed a sissy bar.
• Tattoos are required for ownership.
• Tasseled chaps and vest are the proper dress code for riding.
• The riding position is perfectly comfortable.
• Your passenger has a full seat behind you.
• You got your helmet at a WW II Axis surplus sale.
• You have a tattoo of your bike.
• You're the sixth owner in four years.
• Your wife has a tattoo of your bike.
• There is a plastic skull over your headlight.
• Your rearview mirrors are shaped like German iron crosses.
• Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet tall.
• Your motorcycle has a 40 channel CB, and a AM-FM Stereo Cassette.
• You have an antennae on your bike.
• You paid more than $14,000 for a USED bike!
• Your seat has springs under it.
• You have matching studded leather saddlebags.
• Your helmet has a spike on top of it.
• Your grandfather rode a bike just like it when he was a young man.
• Most of your bike's highway time was spent tied down in the back of a pickup truck.
• Your rear tire has a mud flap.
• Your riding buddies are named "Skull", "Bone", and "Skeeter".
• You have more than 4 reflectors on your bike.
• You ever had to worry about jack-knifing the trailer that you were towing behind your bike.
• You got a free logo embossed wallet on a chain promotional when you took delivery of your bike from the dealer.
• You can't adjust your suspension.
• Your dog likes to go for rides on it.
• Your passenger can fall asleep while riding.
• Your spark plug caps light up.
• You have to turn your headlight on manually.
• Your engine isn't liquid cooled.
• Your air cleaner rattles and shakes when you twist the throttle.
• You have floor boards instead of foot pegs.
• You have six cylinders, six carburetors, and still can't get down the quarter mile in less than twelve and a half seconds.
• Your bike has more colored lights than a Christmas tree.
• Your engine size is measured in cubic inches instead of CC's.
• You ever bought or installed billet aluminum accessories for your bike.
• Magazine ads for your bike feature bearded overweight older men with odious personal habits and a fetish for leather and chains.
• The head mechanic at your dealer has both arms covered in tattoos and answers only to the name of "Snake Daddy."
• The name of your motorcycle includes any of the following words "Heritage", "Classic", "Vintage", "King", "Glide", "Tourer", "Retro", "Road", "Highway", "Dyna", "Ultra", "Springer", "Soft", "Hard", "Tail", or "Star".
• No one looks at you funny when you ride into a truck stop.
• The same people who built your bike just introduced their own line of cigarettes.
• The only instrumentation on your bike is a big fat speedometer that goes all the way up to 85 mph.
• The name of your bike doesn't include a capital R somewhere in it.
• You ever installed highway cruising pegs.
• The dealership where you bought your bike is not a place you would take your children.
• The dealer offers a line of black leather accessories for your model.
• You bought it because you thought that others would think you were bad.
• People lock their doors when you pull up next to them at an intersection.
• You paid good money to have someone pin-stripe it.
• At idle, your pipes are louder than the stereo in the low-rider next to you.
• You installed a windshield that raises and lowers electronically.
• You just spent three hours polishing chrome and one hour riding.
• Your engine has less than four valves per cylinder.
• You can ride it on and off the street.
• The ignition key goes in on the side.
• Your bike has any kind of mural or artwork on it.
• Your exhaust pipes have fins on the tips.
• You have to kick-start your engine.
• You have your nickname or CB handle etched into your windshield.
• Your engine has case crash guards installed.
• It has a trunk.
• It has more than two wheels and is street driven.
• The Shriner's Parade has bikes like yours.
• A aftermarket company offers a trike conversion kit for your particular model.
• Your speedometer is located in the top of your gas tank.
• Your motorcycle has more than 40 pounds of chrome on it.
• People can hear you riding from two miles away, with the factory pipes.
• Your motorcycle has parts from more than five different models, from the factory!
• The company you bought your motorcycle from makes more money from selling logo T-shirts and wallets on a chain than they do from selling motorcycles.
• The Japanese build a better model.
• You can crank your bike without the key being in the ignition!
• Your bike is in the dealer for factory work more often than its on the road.
• You had to wait for a year on a waiting list just to get your bike and / or pay a non-refundable deposit.
• The angle and position of your handlebars keeps your hands higher than your shoulders when you ride
• Truck drivers and Waffle House waitresses like it.
• Your brand new bike wouldn't even crank at the dealer.
• You have to put both feet on the ground when you stop.
• You have tassels hanging anywhere from your bike.
• Your ass is less than 2 feet off the ground when you ride.
• Your quarter mile times are greater than twelve and a half seconds.
• Your highway pegs keep your legs spread wider than the stirrups at a gynecologist's office.
• You have over twelve hundred CCs of engine and less than a fifty horsepower.
• You ever thought about installing a small block Chevy and a Powerglilde.
• Your bike is brand new from the showroom and still looks like it was made in 1944.
• You ever dropped your bike on its side and instantly did $400 worth of improvement to it.
• Your motorcycle was built in Milwaukee.

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