I leave home this morning and notice that it is UNUSUALLY foggy, like I can't see past the end of my driveway. Normally I drive with the parking lights on in the Formula, but this morning, I think the full raised headlights are in order. So I flip them up, walk up, and help a lazy light wake up this cold morning.

The fog is unreal!

The MHP is going to be out today in FORCE. They know that stupid people drive in this kind of weather and drive fast. Lamar county is going to be an utter joy to cross today (a bit of foreshadowing folks, bear with me...)

Going down the highway, about halfway to Hattiesburg, and there is a GMC van (Astro wannabe) following me, two car lengths behind, not changing distance. No problem. Stay there buddy.

I look ahead, and yeah, there are two cars pulled off on the side of the road. One is a very nice Darth Vader black Caddy STS / Northstar. The other is a dark gun metal gray Crown Vic with some lights that George would love to have installed in his car.

MHP, with their first catch of the day on this highway (and to think, this highway used to be TWO LANE ten years ago!!! Driving a two lane in this kind of fog would be enough to make me call in sick). I'm smiling and decide to just cruise on past when three car lengths in front of me, the Caddy pulls back onto the road directly in front of me! Then puts the signal on! I slam on the horn and jerk the wheel / Formula into the left lane. What a retard, to get a ticket and THEN pull right out in front of traffic while the Trooper is still there behind you witnessing it all.

The trooper doesn't do a thing.

I look at the plate of the Cadillac before I pass it by.

Lamar county.

Duh. Figures.

So, I'm still doing the speed limit, 65, maybe two miles an hour more. And the Caddy comes past me doing a good 80mph or more! Unreal. I'm in cruise, and this Caddy is leaving me behind at a steady pace. They just got a ticket, and they figure that the MHP won't be up ahead as well? LOL! The MHP operates in pairs on this road, coming and going, and sometimes they have three units when it's bad weather (like fog...).

Well, the Caddy proceeds to leave me behind. Visibility is about three car lengths at the most in this stuff, and I hang back some, lights on bright, it's getting so bad, I might go to my hazards as I drive. I reach a hill with a steep drop off behind it. I know that the MHP likes to hide behind this hill, at the bottom, to catch stupid people coming over the hill too fast.

I crest the hill and am not disappointed to see another MHP unit on the right side of the highway a good piece past their kill spot. Guess who he's got pulled over.

The Caddy.

Again.

Moron.

I sail past and stick my arm out, give her the thumbs up sign and drive on. Out of sight of the MHP, the GMC van that has been locked onto my tail suddenly picks up speed. It hauls past me, gets about four car lengths in front of me, and then slows down again to the speed limit. Now I'm following him perfectly, neither gaining or giving distance.

WTF.

I mean, WTF possesses people to just floor it, pass you, pull in front of you, coast back to the speed limit, and then do the speed limit.

Crack. Got to be the crack.

So, coming into Bellevue, this little crossroads of Lamar county where Purvis and Sumrall empty into Highway 98 East. BAD area, Bellevue, Lamar county people entering the four lane from a two lane that bisects the highway. They usually don't stop, just drive right on across the highway, or fail to notice the big YIELD signs when merging (YIELD in THEIR lane means that the OTHER lane has to let them in, at least that's how it's taught in Lamar county). If one vehicle goes, the one behind it is sure to follow automatically. Well, four pull out directly onto the highway in front of me, one in the right lane, one in the left, then another in the right, and finally another in the left (I'm ready, I'm used to dealing with idiots, they are easily identified by the LAMAR designation on their tags...) and I just sigh. I try to think happy thoughts as I dodge and weave among the idiots. One woman who pulled right out in front of the GMC van is in a Ford Explorer, she's actually got her driver's side sun visor lowered, the mirror down, cosmetic lights on, and she's putting on makeup! O-Blivious to the fact that she almost caused a 10 car pileup. The one good thing about Bellevue is that now I've managed to maneuver back in front of the GMC van.

Small victory.

"And here's your sign... Oh, wait, you already have a sign. LAMAR county."

Heavy traffic coming into Hattiesburg. The speed limit has dropped from 65 to 55. It's a four lane highway with two additional dedicated, solid lined TURN ONLY lanes which people from Lamar county use as just an extra lane to drive down. Another Lamar county MENSA candidate in a Olds Cutlass (mid '80's), isn't paying attention at all, she's flying past me, and then I hear the one sound in my life that really makes my face get hot and my heart race and chills run up my spine. She is NOT paying attention, and she makes a bad mistake. She slams on the brakes right next to me (my window is down) so I have this Cutlass screaming to a stop, waggling from side to side next to me and I punch it, getting ahead in case she needs to jerk over. I hate that.

Heavy traffic, full of morons. This is where it gets fun real quick, another major faucet to let the morons into traffic, and I dodge and weave some more. And something black blows past me like I was standing still in traffic.

STS Caddy. Northstar. Lamar county. Same tag as the two times before. It's going even faster now... What a moron.

Soon it's out of sight, using turn lanes as passing lanes, etc. Putting the blinker on AFTER the fact, etc.

Moron.

Five minutes later, the speed limit has gone from 65 to 55 to 45mph. Just entering Hattiesburg, and there on the side of the highway, in a parking lot, blue lights. Hattiesburg Police motorcycle and ...

Drum roll (insert CHIPS theme here)

Black Caddy STS. Lamar county plates. Same moron.

THAT has to be a record for stupidity, folks. Some people just do NOT need to be behind the wheel of a car. Money can't buy you love, it also can't buy you intelligence.

I laughed all the way to my favorite convenience store only to find yet another pair of morons. Pulling into the parking lot, I found a Wells Fargo Ford van taking up three parking spaces directly in front of the store, the driver is just there behind the wheel, pulled sideways across three parking spots. I dog cussed the driver who was just sitting there while his partner ran in to get some coffee and then decided to take a few extra minutes to hit on my favorite cashier, all the while, the van is blocking the parking for three or four cars.

Inconsiderate morons.

The Cashier agrees with me. The guy was getting nowhere with her, and she even told him he was a moron for parking like that just for a cup of coffee. He left mad.

I fill up my 52oz Mega Mug, grab a cinnamon danish, and get on out to work with NO more idiots. I get to work, take a long drink from my mug, sit down, sign on to the network, bring up 3rdGen to see if anything is cooking, and pull my danish wrapper apart.

I take a bite and then notice the biggest hair that I've ever seen on the danish. It isn't mine. Long hair, embedded in the frosted topping. I pull it out and let it dangle there in front of me, little bits of frosting stuck to it, giving it weight as it swings back and forth.

I just kind of sit there with a mouth full of danish, staring at the dangling hair while the message boards pull down. I use my left foot to move over the trash can and get rid of all of the danish. The Pepsi takes a few more good mouthfuls to get rid of the imagined taste and the image of the hair that was left in at the factory.