Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.  

Have you ever started to think, and just forgot to stop again?

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Is it me, or is this corporate logo just a little bit suggestive...

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If I have to explain it to you...

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It's not the fact that we're going to shoot Lance Bass out into space that I have a problem with.

It's the fact that we're going to bring him back to Earth afterwards that that I have a real problem with.

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Try this next time you have to wear a stupid name tag.

$1 says most morons won't get it.

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From the Truth is Stranger than Fiction file...

Quadriplegic Sues Florida Strip Club

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A quadriplegic has sued a strip club, charging that it violates the Americans with Disabilities Act because the lap dance room does not have wheelchair access.

Edward Law, of Orlando, sued the Wildside Adult Sports Cabaret last month after visiting the West Palm Beach club on May 9 and June 14.

The lap dance room is accessible only by a short flight of stairs, according to the suit. It also alleges that the counter around the stage where strippers dance is too high, making it difficult for Law to see the stage and set down his drinks.

"This is an industry that is high profit and knows about ADA and is ignoring it," his attorney, Anthony Brady Jr., told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "I have no sympathy for them violating ADA."

Law also sued another West Palm Beach strip club, The Landing Strip. He charges both clubs with violating ADA standards for bathrooms and parking spaces.

The suit seeks an unspecified amount of money in attorney's fees and asks that the clubs comply with the federal disability standards.

Bret Rudowsky, Wildside's general manager, said he was unaware of the problems and Law could have received a lap dance elsewhere in the club.

Law — who has also recently filed ADA lawsuits against an Orlando restaurant and a Daytona Beach Harley-Davidson motorcycle shop — declined to comment.

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And what the HELL is this guy doing at a Harley Davidson motorcycle shop? It's not like he's going to actually BUY a motorcycle, is it? This guy is just looking for a handout and thanks to the liberals, the ADA law has given him a legal loophole to sue the hell out of someone and make money. He's suing a HD shop... Bwahahahahahaha.  This story had me ROTFLMAO! -BE

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And speaking of the handicapped, did you know that there is a company that makes outdoor grills for challenged people?

TIMMY from SOUTHPARK enjoys a cookout!  Timm-may!   Timm-eye!

You've heard of the Short Bus, well here's the Short Grill.

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I doubt if many acts of water tower graffiti were committed by overweight kids hauling a bucket of paint up a 100 foot ladder.  Gravity seems to be the natural enemy of fat people.

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I heard where Steven Spielberg edited out the reference to the word "Terrorists" in his reissue of his movie "ET" because he was afraid that some people might get their feelings hurt after what happened on 9/11/01.

I also notice that he didn't edit out the Twin Towers in the DVD release of "AI".  Apparently, despite terrorist attacks, the World Trade Center is still standing 1000 years in the future, long after Mankind is gone and robots rule the world.

Liberals is so stupid...

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When Yanni and Linda Evans are bumping uglies, does she insist on listening to his latest CD or do they maybe go for some John Tesh to set the mood?

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What happens if you mix Dayquil and Nightquil?

Boom?

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"RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE... RUBBER DUCKY, WE SHOULD HAVE WORN YOU WHEN WE WERE HAVING FUN..."

"You gots the AIDS, Bert!"

I hear where Sesame Street will now introduce a "HIV Positive" Muppet to the show.  Great.  We've already had two closet homo muppets for years (see pic above).  So, you will get to see a HIV positive muppet, but I doubt if you ever get to see a father and mother muppet with a family practicing Christian living.  You'll probably have some homo muppets next (wait, we've had those...), or the homeless muppet, or the crack baby muppet.  My thought on this is, HOW can a MUPPET get HIV?  Has some person been having sex with a muppet?  And if a MUPPET gets this disease, wouldn't it be more proper to call it "MIV" or Muppet Imuno Virus?

The world has gone completely mad.  I know that my child won't be watching Sesame Street or PBS if they produce this character.  I don't want to explain homosexuality and sodomy to my 3 year old.  My GOD!  Give the kids a chance to have a childhood, what, do you want them sexually proficient by 6 years old?   Childhood and innocence are gone, folks, and they are never coming back.

They claim that this is to 'educate' kids in Africa to the dangers of HIV, my thought is, most kids in Africa can't find food, how are they going to find cable TV?  Here's a big suggestion for Africa on how to stop the spread of AIDS.   Stop fucking!  Start growing some food, and more importantly, some common sense.  I say let's just close the borders to Africa, and after all the stupid people are dead, we can go in, decontaminate, and repopulate it.

Thomas Malthus was a prophet...  You can't feed the world, and nature has a wonderful built in ability to cull the herd back.  This is what is happening in third world countries.  Get over it and concentrate your money and medicine where it will do the most good: AT HOME HERE IN THE USA!

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And speaking of MUPPETS and AIDS...

Here's America's FIRST MUPPET.  He's on the bandwagon now to support AIDS money, to the tune of TWO BILLION DOLLARS!  Do you realize what we could do with $2,000,000,000.00 here in the USA?  A LOT more than we could do by giving it to Africa where they aren't smart enough to stop fucking!  But, Mr. Clinton says that AIDS is a very bad thing and he's behind stopping it.  This from a 'man' (I use the term very loosely) who's promiscuous choice of lifestyle is the very reason why AIDS is spreading.  Way to go!  Maybe if you bang a few more interns, you can be the poster child for AIDS research.

Loser.  Maybe that book by your wife was right.  It takes a village to spread AIDS to all surrounding villages.

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And speaking of Clinton and the White House, do you think that visitors to the Oval Office think twice about sniffing guest cigars that are offered to them now?  These days, you can't tell where they've been...

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I guess even GOD gets an upset stomach sometimes.

Probably why I'm getting a busy signal every time I pray.

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I think I just bounced a reality check...

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I was having lunch the other day at Lonestar Steakhouse when that catchy Brooks and Dunn song "Boot Scootin' Boogie" came over the speakers.

I sighed, turned my chair around, folded my arms across my chest, and sat facing the two front doors, staring at them patiently. My brother-in-law stopped talking about what we were talking about and turned to look over his shoulder at the front doors as well. Several long seconds passed, he not seeing the reason I was staring at the doors, and he finally turned back around and looked at me, asking: "What exactly are you looking at?"

"The last time I heard this song being played in a place like this..." I said gesturing at our surroundings.  "Arnold Schwarzenegger walked in through the front doors, buck naked, went over to the pool table, and kicked a bunch of bikers asses before throwing one poor sumbitch through the kitchen and onto the stove in the back.   I'm just wanting to have a front row seat for it when it happens this time around."

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Have you seen those ridiculous "Jesus" personalized car tags?  The blatant commercialism of Christianity really makes me angry, it truly is becoming a product slathered flock of sheep.  I saw a 'personalized' tag the other day that looked like it was from Mississippi.  It had "JESUS" on it in the middle, and above that, it said "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ..."

I want one that says "You've got a friend in Cthulhu"

Bet that would turn some heads.

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A permission slip I came up with as a joke for my wife, who is a teacher...

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Did you hear that Harley Davidson and Ford are teaming up again? The success of the Ford HD Edition F150 and the power of the new Harley V-Rod has inspired Ford to produce a V-Rod edition of their popular Ford "Lightning" truck.

Sources say that the new HD edition Ford Lightning will have a Porsche engine under the hood and the heads will be stamped "Made in France".

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Bring on the altar boys!

Another sticker available soon

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My new favorite and soon to be on my own vehicle.
Another sticker available soon

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Another sticker available soon

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You know, Golf would be a much more interesting sport to watch if it included a sniper with a high powered rifle and several land mines.  Think about it...

BORING !  BORING !  BORING !

SNIPERS + ANTI-PERSONNEL LAND MINES = INCREASED CHANCES TO PLAY THROUGH = BLING!  BLING!

Come to think of it, soccer would be a lot better with landmines and pungi-spike pits too, it would take some of the
homo-ness out of that silly sport.

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Another sticker available soon

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Another clear indication why California is long overdue for being expelled from the Union...

On the left is the Imperial Death Star, on the right is the Constitution of the United States of America.  Both were designed to withstand direct, large scale assaults, but an analysis of the plans by greedy lawyers has discovered that a small one man attack may set up a chain reaction that could ultimately destroy either of these impressive inventions.

Newdow: "One day I was just looking at the coins (that) is what brought this up. I saw "In God We Trust" on my coins. I said "I don't trust in God" what is this? And I recalled there was something in the Constitution that said you're not allowed to do that and so I did some research. And as soon as I did the research, I realized the law seemed to be on my side and I filed the suit. It's a cool thing to do everyone should try it. "

"It's a cool thing to do everyone should try it."?  Try what, Sparky?  Destroy the country bit by bit?  It is people like Newdow that really make me lose all hope for this country and what it has become.  People like Newdow are the reason why this country is in the shape that it is in.  This isn't even about his child, it's about him!  No one was ridiculing his child at school, his child didn't complain, he started all of this.

Here's news, pal.  In this country, last time I checked, the MAJORITY RULES, not the minority, so get back in the closet, put some Bactine on your feelings, and shut the hell up you God-less moron.  If you don't like the Pledge of Allegiance, if you don't like the money we have here, then leave the country, but leave it the way it is for the rest of us, why don't you?

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Another sticker now available in the Dark Store

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Robert Palmer- Creator of the original "Attack of the Clones" concept

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Saw a pickup truck the other day, it had a Harley Davidson bar and shield with wings emblem in the rear window, below that, it had a sticker that said "I'd rather push a Harley than ride a Honda", below that it had a sticker that said "rice burners suck".

What kind of pickup truck was it on?

A single cab Nissan, Lamar county tag.

They grow them dumb there, really, they do.

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You know, John Wayne Bobbit going into the adult entertainment industry after his penis was cut off by his wife and later surgically reattached would be like O. J. Simpson leading the LAPD on a wild freeway chase and then going on to become a NASCAR driver.  It just didn't make a whole lot of sense, now did it...?

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Do redneck women get Pabst smears?

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From the "Master plan of how to milk all the money they can out of a dead redneck..." file

That's right!  It's DALE EARNHARDT MONOPOLY!

Dale Earnhardt Collectors Edition Monopoly-NEW! BRAND NEW AND SEALED!!!!! Dale Earnhardt Collectors Edition Drivers! Start your engines...and get ready for the race of your life! The Monopoly Brand, Dale Earnhardt and NASCAR team up to bring you the Official Dale Earnhardt Collector's Edition of the Monopoly Game.

Well, for one thing, the DE version of Monopoly is just wrong.   You have to go fast and turn left in NASCAR, so to properly play DE Monopoly, you would have to play it counter clockwise.  Also, be careful about passing GO, you might hit a safety / retaining wall at 200mph and that will be the end of the game.   Or so you would think... but wait!  The game also comes with a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. playing piece so that you can keep on playing after you lose the Dale Earnhardt playing piece on Turn One.

All money collected in the game goes to the widow, Theresa Earnhardt, who is referred to in this game collectively as 'the bank'.

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Terrorist Attacks Produce Residual Sex With Long Term Repercussions!
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Obstetricians and staffs at some hospital delivery rooms nationwide are gearing up for a summer baby boom that many say was sparked by the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

"This was kind of a wake-up call for people," says Dr. Paul Kastell, an obstetrician and professor at Long Island College Hospital in New York City. "They saw the towers burning. And when they got home they said, 'You know, it's never going to be the right time. We should start now.'''

New York, which took the biggest hit in the terrorist attacks, is expected to be the boom's epicenter.

What this means is that while America was at war with terrorists on 9/11 and afterwards, Americans were busy knocking the ugly.  Now, I don't know about you, but when all of this happened, I really didn't think about sex.  I guess I might have been in the minority.

"Oh my God, honey!  Some towelheads just slammed two planes into the World Trade Center!  The world could be on the brink of global war!   Let's go have SEX!"

Yeah, I see that happening.  Pain and misery are well known aphrodisiacs.

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Feels like the very first time... (Foreigner)
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I was eating an ice cream cone with Gimp and his friend Allen. We were all sitting there, talking and cutting up, being total goons in public. I looked at my half eaten cone and decided enough was enough. I held the cone up in front of me and slowly turned it as I studied it.  Gimp and Allen watched me as I mused on throwing the uneaten part away.

"You know, this reminds me of my first girlfriend..." I said. "I've licked and I've licked and I've just finally think I've gotten enough."

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Do you think this guy knows something that the average lemming doesn't?  Yes!
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A guy sent me some support and praise for my American Angst site, and he said something quite important.  I wanted to share that with you all now because I couldn't have said it better.

"American used to be about kicking ass and taking names.  Now it's all about kissing ass and dropping names."

Yeah.  I totally agree!

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No more fear of being embarrassed while surfing pornography at the local library!
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I wasn't very shocked when the liberal supreme court struck down a ruling that would have prevented complete and total perverts from hanging out with small children in libraries around the country.  It's America at its lowest, liberalism in action.  This country is going down the tubes fast.  My suggestion?  The ACLU is the first group of people we stack up against the wall...

"The judges, who heard nearly two weeks of testimony in April, wrote that they were concerned that library patrons who wanted to view sites blocked by filtering software might be embarrassed or lose their right to remain anonymous because they would have to ask permission to have the sites unblocked."

What that means is that now someone doesn't have to go to the library and bother the nice little old librarian with stuff like:

"Uh, could you help me? I can't seem to get lubed up lolitas or pre-pubescent anal virgins pulled up on the Internet over here on my public computer. Oh, and would you check to see if you have any books by Hemmingway or Faust?  I'm going to need a reference or two for my University class I'm teaching next week."

Nope.  Now thanks to liberalism, you will be able to go to a library full of children and look at what ever you want on the Internet, and you won't have to embarrass yourself by going and asking the librarian to type in a password so you can load the site "Spread Eagled Pre-Teen Nubile Angels".  We wouldn't want anyone to be embarrassed while surfing porn in a public library now would we?

My thought is, will the tax payer soon be paying for Kleenix and maybe privacy booths so that the pervs can fap off without being embarrassed?  It's coming, someone will probably sue over this and get big money.  Goodbye America.

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Nuclear war between India and Pakistan must be prevented!

A nuclear war between Pakistan and India would be a very bad thing.  With expected casualties over 13 million, that is a loss of which the convenience store industry might never recover.

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IF you drive this or something similar, seek professional counseling and get a life.
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Just in time for Star Wars, Episode 2: "Attack of the Clones" I bring you this laughable piece of excrement.

That's right, another Honda Del Slo owner has decided to modify their car.  This time, it is into an A-Wing fighter from Star Wars- Return of the Jedi.  You can read and laugh about it here.  He even has redone the interior, and he wants to put an R2 unit on the rear deck (even though A-Wings didn't have R2 units...., but his model will.)

This guy definitely needs a girlfriend.  Oh, wait, I think he might have one or be married.  If that is the case, I suggest chemicals.

Oh, there are other people like him!  Does that shock you?   It doesn't shock me.  They call themselves the "Road Squadron", which is a play on words for the popular Star Wars spinoff "Rogue Squadron".   If you like to see people put electronic flashy things on their car and make utter fools out of themselves, then please go here.

STAR WARS: ROAD SQUADRON
Nimrods in tiny cars with too much time on their hands

Next time I'm in traffic and some nerd pulls up behind me and his car starts making "Bew!"  "Bew!  "Beep!"   "Zap!" sounds at me, I'm just going to step out of my car and what ensues will probably be like a never before seen cut scene from that Michael Douglas movie "Falling Down".

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Speaking of Star Wars, did anyone else think that the title of the new movie not only really sucked, but was just plain wrong!?  I mean, the Clones didn't attack in this movie, they rescued!  So, shouldn't it really have been called:

STAR WARS EPISODE 2: "CLONES TO THE RESCUE !"

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Another bumper sticker I'll have available soon in the Dark Store.

The tiny prints says "Brought to you by the committee to shakedown whitey."

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If you think about it, the letter "R" is just a "P" with a kickstand.
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Ever blow your nose into one of those rough brown hand towels you find in
the public restrooms, look at what you just produced and think to yourself:

"Hey! That looks like a Rorschach test!  I think I just made a butterfly!"

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Is it a grocery store or Hollywood's next low budget slasher film?  It's a real grocery store and it's a chain store I think.

Snapped this with my new digital camera while passing through Arkansas.  I really think I would have chosen a different name.

I think I'll go open up the "Rabid Dog" pet store chain.

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7-year-old charged with felony for pencil stabbing

ANTHONY, Fla. - (AP) -- Police have charged a 7-year-old with felony aggravated battery after he allegedly stabbed four elementary school classmates with a pencil.

No one was seriously hurt during Tuesday's incident about 70 miles north of Orlando, police said.

The Anthony Elementary School student was taken to the Marion County Juvenile Assessment Center and will likely be expelled from the school for the rest of the year, school district spokesman Kevin Christian said.

The boy began yelling during class after he was asked to share his crayons, police said. The 7-year-old then began chasing students and stabbed a classmate in the back, causing a puncture mark.

The boy also stabbed three other children, causing red marks, authorities said.

''Everyone went ballistic,'' Kristin Irvin, the substitute teacher overseeing the class, told the Ocala Star-Banner. ``All the other students were afraid of him. He was making threats.''

The boy said he stabbed his classmates because he ''didn't like them,'' police said. (See, he had a perfectly good explanation! -BE)

Earlier in the morning, school officials said the boy had taken his medication, Irwin said. She didn't know what kind of medication the boy was taking.

The boy's mother declined comment Wednesday.

The boy has had discipline problems in the past but has never attacked other students, school officials said.

The state Department of Juvenile Justice will decide how the student's trial will be handled, said Chief Assistant State Attorney Ric Ridgway.


Ah, Riddlin(tm), the cure-all for bad parenting.  Can you see it coming, people?  The liberals are going to come out of the cracks again on this one!  Our children need to be protected.  There are dangerous weapons disguised as everyday writing utensils.  Don't believe me?   Check it out!

This is a stock pencil.  Check out these modified pencils!  Most of these modifications can be done in seconds with no tools at all!

This is a pre-ban folding stock for a dangerous, easily concealed snubnose pencil.  Notice that this folding stock is made by the same people who import the SKS rifles, as indicated by the integrated needle-like bayonet on the bottom end.  It's a good thing that the two killers at Columbine didn't have access to such high tech and easily concealed weaponry like this!  Strict laws work and more laws will work even more.  Remember, it's not the law itself, it is how many laws there are.  Strength in numbers!  Just ask your congressman or state senator.

This is an illegal sawed off Number 2 pencil.  It has further been modified with an assault sling for ease of carry.   Statistics indicate that there are far more of these dangerous weapons in the hands of students than anyone ever realized before.  Sources close to the Education system say that one out of every five students could be carrying a pencil at any time on their person.  And pencils like the sawed off version above pass easily through metal detectors because they are made of natural products and not metal or synthetics.   Security in our school system is going to require far more money to deal with this new threat to our children. -BE

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STICK FIGURE TERRORISM STRIKES AMERICAN SCHOOLS!

MOUNT LEBANON, Pennsylvania (AP) -- A Pennsylvania school suspended an 11-year-old girl for drawing two teachers with arrows through their heads, saying the stick figures were more death threat than doodle.

Becca Johnson, an honor-roll sixth-grader at Mellon Middle School, drew the picture on the back of a vocabulary test on which she had gotten a D.

"That's my way of saying I'm angry," Becca said, adding she meant no harm to the teachers.

The stick figures, on a crudely drawn gallows with arrows in their heads, had the names of Becca's teacher and a substitute teacher written underneath. Another teacher spotted the doodle in the girl's binder Tuesday and reported it, prompting the three-day suspension.

Becca's parents, Philip and Barbara Johnson, denied the school's contention the drawings were "terrorist threats."

"She had done poorly on a test that was handed back to her. We've always told her that you can't take your feelings out on your teacher, so write about it or draw it, as a catharsis," Barbara Johnson said.  My God!  The girl is 11 years old and her parents are trying to tell her that her bad drawings are a "catharsis"!  I bet the kid can't even spell that word let alone know what it is!  She's 11 years old!  No wonder the kid is having mental problems!  The parents are upper educated liberal society twits!  The mom probably drives a Volvo turbo station wagon. -BE

She accused the school of applying a zero-tolerance policy that "does away with due process and inflicts a penalty without a hearing or investigation."

The district said its zero-tolerance policy applies only to gun or drug possession, and denied that no investigation was done.

"All I can say is that when we have taken action related to the activities of students in the schools, we have done so after a thorough investigation," Mount Lebanon School District Superintendent Glenn Smartschan said.

My impression of this latest act of domestic terror. I drew stuff like this all the time when I was in school and look how I turned out! That's the difference in society today.  Twenty years ago, this was a funny doodling. Today it's a 'death threat'.  Get real.  We don't need a 'zero tolerance' policy for doodling, we need a zero tolerance policy for idiocy.  America needs an enema because apparently it is full of liberal shit. -BE

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Two More Darwin Award Nominees Step Forward At The University of Kentucky

LEXINGTON, Kentucky (AP) -- Two college students died early Thursday after they fell out a third-story window at a University of Kentucky dormitory while horsing around, a school spokeswoman said.

A 19-year-old University of Kentucky freshman was pronounced dead at the scene and a Western Kentucky University student, who was visiting his brother at the 23-story Kirwan Tower, died later at the University of Kentucky Hospital.

"The two males were apparently wrestling in an open area of the third floor of the dormitory," spokeswoman Mary Margaret Colliver said. "They smacked against a plate glass window, the window gave out and the two fell three stories to the ground."

She said she didn't know if alcohol played a factor in the accident, which happened around 2:30 a.m. The window was a sealed, double-pane window, roughly 3 feet wide and 8 feet tall. It was covered with plywood after the accident.

The names of the victims were not immediately released.

"As a parent, you dread that phone call at 2:30 in the morning like I got," University of Kentucky President Lee Todd said.

"Your heart just goes out to those two families." He and his wife went to the scene to comfort witnesses.

The school was trying to decide whether to hold a memorial service, Colliver said. Many students have left or will be leaving the campus after this week following final exams, she said.

---Now the parents will sue the school and they'll have to put bars on the windows to keep the retards from falling out. Then some retard will smoke in bed and set the dorm on fire and everyone will burn up and the parents will sue because there are bars on the windows and ....  Watch for it!  I promise you that the parents of one or both of these idiots will sue the school for some kind of negligence like not putting in idiot proof safety glass.  Personal responsibility is a thing of the past.   -BE

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Are you a faithful member of this congregation?
Actual road located on Hwy 98 West in Lamar county, Mississippi.

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From the "How not to take a sports photo..." file

Cristie Kerr kisses the trophy she received for winning the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge at the Twelve Bridges Golf Club in Lincoln, Calif., Sunday, April 21, 2002. Kerr finished with a four-day total of 8-under-par 280. This was Kerr's first win on the LPGA tour. (AP Photo/Rich Pedroncelli)

This is just too damn easy! If I have to explain it to you ... -BE

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"Had a hard day?  A hard day deserves a hard lemonade."(sm)

Relax, sit back, and enjoy a Mike's Hard Lemonade(tm)

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You would have to have grown up in the '70's to remember Robert Blake's gritty crime drama / cop show known as "BARETTA".  It was a mildly successful series that had a catchy '70's style theme song "Keep your eye on the man" that got some national radio air play, IIRC.  Robert Blake's character's main quote used in every show was "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

Or maybe that was Peter Faulk as "Colombo" who said that.  Anyway, it's kind of funny that "Baretta" would use a Walther PPK to do his wife of a few months in.  You would have thought he might live up to his name sake and use a good old 9mm... 

It's just strange and disturbing to see your childhood icons wind up like this.  Next I'll see them carting off Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man") in handcuffs...

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I found this photo on the front page the other day, the chance for mirth
was too much to pass up.  I added a caption of my own.

Greenspan gives Congress a suggestion on "what Yassir Arafat can do".

Here's another funny Greenspan picture found on Google.
The caption was kind of obvious.

Alan Greenspan describes his first experience with the prescription drug Viagra.

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From the "Take this job and shove it!  I ain't working here no more!" file...

WORLDCOM THREATENED: A former Worldcom employee accused of threatening to fly a plane into a company office in Raleigh, NC had boasted of having access to a Russian fighter jet, an FBI agent said. Investigators learned of John Craig Hook's boast after he was arrested, FBI special agent Andrew Thomure testified Tuesday during a hearing in which Hook was denied bail. Hook told co-workers of his access to the (Russian) MiG, Thomure said. Thomure testified investigators found no information confirming the boast but took it seriously because Hook's 1977 conviction for transportation of a stolen airplane!

I just think the guy was on too much Accutane. -BE

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I made myself really happy the other night.

All it required was a box of tissue, some Jergins lotion, a pack of Twinkies(tm) and a picture of Callista Flockheart.

I'm too good to myself sometimes, I really am.

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What do you get when you mix the joy of stir fry cooking with the hard hitting music of Aerosmith?

Aerosmith's "Wok this way(tm)"

Available where ever the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine is sold.

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Fun with ICQ... a dialog with the Dark One

Black Echo- You imbibe large amounts of hamster wee-wee.

Boddah- You smell of camel smegma.

Black Echo- Camel toe! Camel toe!

Boddah- heh.

Black Echo- Enlarge your tent, brother! I will hump your woman sweetly and discreetly. My seed is pure.

Boddah- heh Tenacious D rocks.

Boddah- Yup.  Onion joke in there too I see.

Black Echo- What was the deal with that Orkin guy coming into the office today and squirting that bug death shit everywhere, in every corner, and all over our new office furniture. Guy was putting carcinogens on my new desk.  Do you think he squirts that stuff on HIS desk at work?

Boddah- Probably uses RAID.  I liked his red epaulets. They were very masculine.

Black Echo- he looked like some jar head exterminator commando.   I bet he jumped out of an airplane going "Huh!" "Huh!" "Airborne Pest Elimination!" "Huh!" "Huh!" "Geronimo!"

Black Echo- Do you think Orkin has a "Special Forces" unit? If so, I bet he's in it. He's got like a little compact bug killing gun that he could like conceal real easy and sneak up on bugs and exterminate them with extreme prejudice. I bet he's got a license to kill bugs.

Boddah- It's the 'moon cricket' pistol they gave Will Smith in MIB.

Black Echo- "Noisy Cricket", only this one is kind of a lot quieter. It makes a little 'cinch-cinch' sound when he pulls the trigger.  I think it is more like a caulk gun for midget house builders.  It's probably built by Fisher Price.  So what's new in the last four hours...?

Boddah- Alan's grandma left for Benin. He has a 2nd floor rivaling your abode and mine put together floor space wise, he now has 4 rooms and a bathroom at his disposal. Four biggass HUGE rooms.

Boddah- His gran had a 'bidet' in her bathroom. It looked like a sink for dwarves.

Boddah- Have you seen them? They spray your dirtbox and clean the shit right off it .

Black Echo- It's kind of like a water fountain for washing your coochie. You have to squat to use it. I believe that 'bidet' is French for 'coochie water fountain'.

Boddah- I think so too. I didn't know it had a fuckin name until last night when i staggered to Alan's crib with a spiked 20oz coke

Black Echo- I bet it was spiked with hamster wee-wee

Boddah- 'Tard.   No, something better.  Something with a kick.  I thought the toilet had shrunk, or he had a water fountain in the floor...

Black Echo- : O You thought it was a water fountain!  : O   You didn't DRINK out of it, did you!?!?!?!

Boddah- No.

Boddah- The bidet?

Boddah- I just stared at it.

Black Echo- Did you get drunk and drink out of the Bidet?!

Boddah- No. I saw it, pointed and grunted.

Boddah- he goes all matter of factly "Oh, thats a bidet"

Boddah- I was like "A Jon BIDET Ramsey?" *rimshot*

Black Echo- Ouch. A Bidet is designed to touch places you can't quite reach with a washcloth... I bet it's cold, kind of like sitting butt-naked on a water fountain and turning that little knob for the refreshing stream of sparkling pure water right between your ass cheeks. Shudder.

Black Echo- If I tried to use it, as soon as that cold water hit my scrote-sack, I'd probably do two and a half flips forward.  I bet the instruction manual is pretty thin but has some interesting pictures, especially the ones like with that circle with the slash through it.

Black Echo-  I wonder if anyone ever had a bad accident and like got seriously hurt while using a bidet...

Boddah- He goes 'if i werent sick i'd hit you in the balls'

Boddah- He said it leaves your dirtbox all wet.

Boddah- I said "Yeah, your grandma's dirtbox was all cold and wet too"

Black Echo- You should hold him down and drown him in the Bidet. That would be one for the Laurel Police Department record books.

Boddah- I got hit then, twice.  It hurt.  Getting hit while you are drunk hurts.

Black Echo-  Sissy.  Bidets are tough.  Did you ever see that old John Wayne movie "The Green Bidets"?   John Wayne wasn't a very good Bidet because he didn't take shit off anyone.

Boddah- I'm going to hit you when you get to work tomorrow.  It's going to hurt.

Boddah- Hey, remember that Prince song, "Raspberry Bidet"?  I think it went kind of like "She used a raspberry bidet, the kind you find in an eccentric person's house..."

Black Echo- Arrrgh!  Stop! 

Boddah- Heh.

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What's a Military Family Worth?

by Rush Limbaugh on www.RushLimbaugh.com , March 11, 2002

I think the vast differences in compensation between the victims of the September 11th casualty, and those who die serving the country in uniform, are profound. No one is really talking about it either because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11th.

Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country.

If you lost a family member in the September 11th attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable. Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people that are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough.  We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11th families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well. You see where this is going, don't you?

Folks, this is part and parcel of over fifty years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad.

(Just something I found unbelievable as well.  I couldn't have said it better. - BE)

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One more reason to make fun of Mississippi...

NASCAR vanity tags get OK ...

The Associated Press


The House and Senate on Monday approved new vanity tags for NASCAR enthusiasts and a "Choose Life" license plate to benefit crisis pregnancy centers.

Rep. Bobby Moak, D-Bogue Chitto, said Senate Bill 2501 provides that the State Tax Commission would issue a new vanity tag only if the sponsoring organization guarantees at least 200 will be sold. Present law is that a group must guarantee at least 100 are sold.   (Yeah, like THAT is going to really be a problem in Mississippi... selling more than a hundred NASCAR tags. - BE)

"We don't believe this will have a significant impact on the tags that will be issued," Moak said.

Lawmakers expect the NASCAR tag to have wide support based on the its success in other states. The NASCAR tag fee would be $35 besides all other taxes, and the funds will go toward repair and renovation of the state Capitol.  (Yeah, but how much does NASCAR get out of using their name? -BE)

The "Choose Life" tag would carry a $25 extra fee. The tag would generate money for a nonprofit group that advises women against abortion.

"This has language on how the money is spent. It cannot be spent for political purposes. This money will wind up in these crisis pregnancy centers and will be spent on counseling," Moak said.

Sen. Bill Minor, D-Holly Springs, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, said the compromise bill contains 40 new tag designs. He said a design added in the final days of negotiation would create a Mothers Against Drunk Driving license plate with money going into the state treasury. Part of the money would be earmarked for highway repairs.

Annually, groups come to lawmakers asking for the specialty tags. In the past, the more popular ones have been for colleges and a wildlife agency design depicting a hummingbird. Proceeds from the extra fees on the tags are designated for specific programs.

The bill would take effect July 1.

(Well, thank God Mississippi finally has a NASCAR license plate.  I wouldn't want us to be behind the other states in something this important.  Now if we could just use the money from the NASCAR tags to improve education instead of paying for building repairs.  Hopefully, if you own a Camaro or Firebird or Mustang or an El Camino, you will be given an earned credit discount towards your new NASCAR tag. -BE)

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Lately I've been so uptight that when I fart only dogs can hear it.

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From the "It Happened Just Down The Road" File...

Doughnut trail leads cops to thief

March 29, 2002 Posted: 3:13 AM EST (0813 GMT)


SLIDELL, Louisiana (Reuters) -- Two people left a 15-mile-long- trail of doughnuts after they took a Krispy Kreme truck from a parking lot and fled, police said Thursday.

The truck was parked at a convenience store with its rear doors open and engine running while a deliveryman carried doughnuts inside, said Slidell police spokesman Rob Callahan.

Two suspects hopped in the truck and sped off to the nearby town of Lacombe, with doughnuts spilling out along the way, he said.

They abandoned the truck when they were spotted by police responding to reports of a dangerous driver who was losing his doughnuts. Passenger Rose Houk, 31, was captured, but the driver, whose name was not released, ran away.

Houk told police they had been smoking crack cocaine for several hours before the incident, which occurred Wednesday, said Callahan.

Their motive for taking the Krispy Kreme truck was unclear.

"I don't know if it was a need for transportation or if they just had the munchies," he said.

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Christopher Reeve for York Peppermint Pattie

"When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of
being able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound..."

GET THE SENSATION !

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Every 30,000 light years, Chief Engineer Geordi Laforge uses these
fine products to restore his visor to "like new" performance!

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This man had nasty hardcore sex with Julia Roberts.
Probably a lot.  For over like two years.  Think about it.  Yeah, scary.

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Thanks for all the positive feedback on my last bumper sticker.  The support was so overwhelming, I'm seriously considering making a run of the 'ride Harley / wipe ass' decals.

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I was pleasantly surprised today by the attitude of another human being.  That doesn't happen very often, trust me.  I have a "YOU ARE ALL SHEEP" bumper sticker taped to the inside glass of my '99 Grand Prix GTP.  It's pretty much my opinion of the human race in general. 

I was sitting in traffic today and noticed a white Jeep Cherokee with a Harrison county tag in front of me.  Taped to the inside of the rear glass of his hatch was the very same "YOU ARE ALL SHEEP" bumper sticker.  I laughed at someone who had the same outlook on life as I did and since you can only get these stickers one place. on the Internet, I might have found a kindred soul.

Later in traffic, he managed to pull in behind my car at a traffic light.  He saw the same sticker that he had in his Jeep in the back window of my car and I saw him laugh at the coincidence.

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Yes, that's right.  Go to www.mcphee.com and get your very own JESUS ACTION FIGURE.   They supposedly also have the Twelve Disciples Action Figures, but the link to that set of toys was busted.  While a little more articulated than the "BuddyChrist" figure, it lacks all of "BuddyChrist's" personality and really isn't a very good toy.  Still, if you have to have a "Jesus Action Figure", this is the only one in town.  I hear the JESUS ACTION FIGURE floats on top of the water, but I have no confirmation.  Perfect for that car, home, or office first aid kit.

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An animated GIF I made...

For you it's a animated gif.  For me, it's a two frame time delay ticket to the smoking section of eternity but since most of you are going to be there with me anyway, I won't feel so lonely.  I'll be easy to find, I'll be the one sitting at the head of the picnic table.

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So now there's a mysterious black 'blob' off the coast of Florida.  Someone tell me what the HELL this is?!  It's spooking me.  And why aren't we more concerned about this?  Does this mysterious 'black blob' have to come ashore and eat a bus load of snow bird tourists before we start calling out the army and the flame throwers?  I don't get it!   Nuke this thing before it really gets pissed!

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