Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?
optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.
BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.
Studies
have shown that you are using only 10% of your total brain
capacity...
(3% if you are a NASCAR fan)
Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?
optipessimism: looking forward to seeing
the dumb in people.
BLACK ECHO'S
views on life as he sees it.
Hey! At least this stuff makes more sense than a Bjork video.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A woman I work with is so petite ... she is about 5'8, 125 lbs and she constantly complains that she is too heavy, etc. I think she is thinner than that girl that plays Ally McBeal. Well, I was flipping through the paper at the front desk the other day when she came out of the bathroom, straightening her clothes and sighing.
"It's hard to find clothes that fit..." she said nonchalantly.
"Well, that wouldn't be a problem if you weren't one dress size above Barbie..." I replied. "Where do you shop for clothes? Toys-R-Us?"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Some NASCAR related chat room antics by the
Dark One
________________________________
DaleJrBlueEyes -Nascar. Posted: Tuesday, January 29 2002 04:48 PM
Who here likes Nascar?
"My dad was tough. Nothing ever got in his way. He pushed everything to the limit. I
know he would want us to push on." Dale Earnhardt Jr.
______________________
Azathoth RE: Nascar. Posted: Tuesday, January 29 2002 06:10 PM
At the top of my guilty pleasures list.
"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death."
______________________
Black Echo RE: Nascar. Posted: Wednesday, January 30 2002 02:29 AM
I'm still waiting on Elton John to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" for Dale Earnhardt, Sr.
______________________
DaleJrBlueEyes RE: Nascar. Posted: Wednesday, January 30 2002 03:50 AM
Yeah why didn't he do that? They had so many tribute
songs though. I think there are more than 100. Who knew he was that popular and effected
people that much. I just loved the guy. DAYTONA IN 19 Days and the Budweiser Shootout in
12 DAYS!! I can't wait for them to start raceing again. My Sundays have been so boring.
"My dad was tough. Nothing ever got in his way. He pushed everything to the limit. I
know he would want us to push on." Dale Earnhardt Jr.
______________________
stickytape RE: Nascar. Posted: Wednesday, January 30 2002 09:15 AM
Why would Elton John rewrite "Candle In The
Wind" to be about Earnhardt? He wrote the original about Marilyn Monroe, who he
admired, and he rewrote it to be about Princess Diana, who he knew. He neither knew nor,
likely, cared about Dale Earnhardt, so why would he have bothered to rewrite his song yet
again? Especially when every country station in the United States made their own
"Dale Earnhardt Tribute" remix of a song just by splicing in some sound bytes.
That said, yes, I'm a NASCAR fan.
And that's when it hit me: the secret of life! ... Or a brick. I'm not sure which it was.
______________________
LonTeter RE: Nascar Posted: Thursday, January 31 2002 06:00 AM
my two-year-old son LOVES watching NASCAR on TV. He sees
the cars goign around and gets all excited and goes: "Cars, Cars, rummmm
rummmm!!"
It's too cute.
Making the world safe for drinking beer and watching my indie films...
______________________
DaleJrBlueEyes -Nascar. Posted: Tuesday, January 29 2002 04:48 PM
I dont think elton johns song would have just been over
used. We had more than enough tribute songs. But it would have been nice to have that one
too.
"My dad was tough. Nothing ever got in his way. He pushed everything to the limit. I
know he would want us to push on." Dale Earnhardt Jr.
______________________
Just another example of how NASCAR fans are not truly viable members of the gene pool. These guys aren't even smart enough to know when I'm making fun of them... Damn! If NASCAR fans are allowed to continue to breed, the financial future of manufactured housing will be assured. I love the quotes, especially from someone who is so un-original as to use a logon name of "DaleJrBlueEyes". Riiiiiight!
"My dad was tough. Nothing ever got in his way. He pushed everything to the limit. I know he would want us to push on." Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Nothing but a concrete safety wall, huh? He didn't push his way through THAT now did he? -BE
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Got a strange piece of spam in my email box the other day, thought it was kind of humorous.
From: asecondlook@eudoramail.com
Subject : Men Will Look At Your New Cleavage..
My thought was "Hell NO they won’t because I'm not taking any
pill, lotion, or liquid that makes my chest size increase!"
And have you ever noticed that at the end of all the spam, it always say "To be removed from our mailing list, please blah blah blah…"? I think these losers should have to ask permission to ADD me to their list, not ask my permission to remove me from it. I didn't add myself to this list to begin with, why should I have to respond to be taken off. Not falling for that trap, they'll figure out that my email address is valid and then sell it off to someone else for a profit. I just readjusted my spam filters. Still, it is pretty funny.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Some choice cuts from a Milwaukee News Channel online
Read the last line carefully.
Check out the local daily extras!
Mortuary Workers Feel Distress From Dead!? Maybe they need to set up an appointment with John Edward to do some union mediation work. What's for lunch? It's Prune-Burgers! Yummy! Talk about fast food to go!
Courtesy of www.themilwaukeechannel.com
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Man gets 90 days in jail for tying son…NORTH PLATTE, Neb. – A man accused of tying up his 7-year old son and forcing him to touch a dead body has been sentenced to 90 days in jail. Sean Von Eric Marshall was also sentenced to 18 months probation and will receive counseling and parenting classes for the misdemeanor child abuse charge.
Authorities said Marshall was punishing the child last August when he tied himself to the boy, took him to a funeral home, and forced him to touch a corpse.
Marshall also was accused of binding the boy’s hands and feet, letting him free only to go to the bathroom or to sleep, then taped the boy’s mouth when he tried to chew through the ropes. Marshall’s attorney said his client, who no longer has custody of the 7-year old but also has a 1-year old at home, has admitted he didn’t have adequate parenting skills.
"He’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a better parent," Blaine Gillet said.
Prosecutor Jeff Meyer said he thought the sentence was fair. "We’ve done the best that we could to ensure that any child connected to Marshall will not be subject to abuse in the future." He said.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Good grief... I see now where ENRON has become both a verb and a naughty politically incorrect word! Remember the neat and tidy euphemism "N-word". Well, sadly, it is all happening again. Senator Tom Daschel used the noun "ENRON" the other day as a verb! A verb! He said, and I'm quoting very loosely, "I will not let the government ENRON America." So, now the corporate name is a verb to be used as a battle cry by ignorant socialist liberals to show that all capitalism is inherently evil. That would have been enough to stoke my coals if I hadn't been listening to ABC news on the radio and several of the reporters began to give their reports about the President's State of the Union address. During this time, there was heated debate not on what the President might say, but what he was not going to talk about. I heard several reporters mention that President Bush would probably not mention the "E-word" in his address.The "E-word"? Has it become politically incorrect now to even say "ENRON"? Unreal!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A LETTER FROM DALE EARNHARDT IN HELL TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Mr. President,
Do you know what the worst thing about Hell is? Square race tracks. Man, they
thought of everything down here, didn't they? I mean, how are you supposed to go
fast on a square race track? Oh, and the wheels on my car down here are big rubber
triangles...
I see that since I died, America has gone down hill. You got them there Islamic
sheeite muhslums taking over planes and crashing them into big old buildings. I
understand that you have the Marines over in Afghanistan right now, but I was wondering if
you could see the right thing to do and when the Marines get back to America, could you
send them down here to pick me up? I know they are used to fighting in the desert
heat, so this should be a good challenge for them. They do have fatigues made out of
Nomex fire-retardant material, right? My racing suit was made out of that stuff.
Maybe if I had caught fire I'd still be alive.
But now I'm dead and on fire.
Kind of strange, ain't it?
Boggles my mind, that's for sure. Yes sir, it sure does.
I bet that pretty pants rainbow paint peacock Pepsi boy Jeff Gordon is shagging the daylights out of my old lady right about now. She always did have a thing for sissies, which is why I guess she babied that boy of mine like she did.
Dale Junior?
He's a sissy too. Nothing like
his old man, I swear he ain't mine. Hell, did you know that Dale Jr. still
breast feeds from his momma? Yep. Right before every race. She won't let
me have any of that, but that damn boy gets anything he wants. You
know... I was thinking of breast feeding on that last lap of the race, just kind
of thinking and letting my mind wander. Hell, I wasn't going to win that race
anyway, so I decided to do a little fantasizing sort of stuff and before I knew it, all I
saw was this giant gray bra strap and I was imagining that I was loosening it up when I
blinked and realized that it wasn't a giant gray bra strap but really the concrete safety
wall and I was about to get to second base with it at 200mph. Surprised the hell out
of me...
Look, Mr. President, I know that your time is precious so I'll sum this up right quick
like. America needs a real hero in these trying times and they need a real
hero right now. What better hero than me? Oh, I know ... I'm dead,
but you can send a few thousand Marines down here and spring me. I bet it would be
like that new movie "Blackhawk Down", only with lots of horrible hideous demons
instead of starving black people with fully automatic weapons. America needs a hero,
Mr. President! Ya'll just celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day, so why not make an
official Dale Earnhardt Sr. National Holiday? What do you say, Mr. President?
Lord knows that I did more for the country than that guy King did...
Hoping to hear from you very soon regarding this important matter.
Dale Earnhardt, Sr.
Burning in hell for all eternity.
P.S. Do you think that Amnesty International has any jurisdiction down here?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the new highly addictive pain killer drug that is rocking the Pentecostal faith? It's called Lordtab.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Movie trivia: Quentin Tarantino originally wanted to use The Knack's song "My Sharona" as the background music for the infamous scene which followed this shot in the movie Pulp Fiction. When the drummer of the group The Knack refused, Tarantino had to go with the Revel's song "Commanche" and its catchy beat. Maybe he should have checked around and asked Devo for one of their songs...
I think that "Working in a Coal Mine" would probably have carried the scene equally well.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
me·a·tus
(me-ah-tahs)Medical humor is pretty damn funny. It was slow the other night at the ER and somehow we wound up talking about training new people in how to cath patients. One of the guys said that he had to give a demonstration once on how to insert a catheter into a 8 month pregnant woman. During the descriptive process, he described the area in question as having several bumps, any of which could be the meatus. When a new nurse piped up and asked what the "meatus" was, I saw an opportunity for some word humor and replied "It’s a cute little convertible car that Mazda makes. You know, the Mazda Meatus"
Everyone started laughing and shaking their heads. If it weren't for dark humor, we'd all go insane.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Well, after the powers that be get through going over the case of 15 year old Charles J. Bishop, we should be in for some much needed new Federal aviation safety legislation. If you remember, Charles Bishop was the teenage loser-dweeb who took a single engine plane on an unauthorized flight across Tampa Bay and crashed it into the 42-story Bank of America Plaza building, emulating the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. A suicide note left by Bishop gave praise to Osama. Sadly, when all is finally said and done, I’m sure that the liberals and democrats will put forward legislation that will require background checks and a 5 day waiting period on the purchase or rental of Cessnas.Remember, people don’t kill people, planes kill people. In light of the idiocy that surrounds current gun control, using the very same twisted logic, it is clear that we shouldn’t be bombing Afghanistan, instead we should be bombing Boeing.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The Ebonics "language" took a severe hit during this latest round of terrorist attacks... I bet people will think twice now before they tell someone that their shoes are "da bomb"! _____________________________________________________________________________________ Aren’t you glad that M&Ms don’t have teeth... _____________________________________________________________________________________ I think the defense for "justifiable homicide" would be applicable in any case where you are on a long family trip and all you have to listen to is the soundtrack to the Sylvester Stallone movie "Over the Top". _____________________________________________________________________________________ From CNN.com...PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania (AP) -- When
Punxsutawney Phil pops his head out of his hole on February 2 to tell people whether or
not they will experience six more weeks of winter, the famous groundhog may see more than
his shadow.
Because of the September 11 terrorist attacks, security will be stepped up at Phil's home,
Gobbler's Knob.
"They'll be checking people a little more, naturally, the way conditions are,"
said Barney Stockdale of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club.
People with backpacks or bags will be subject to a search when they go to Gobbler's Knob.
"We'll have a good contingency of troopers there this year to ensure everyone's
safety," said State Police spokesman Jamie LeVeir.
Yeah, but my thought is this; if Phil comes out of his hole, and gets blown to
smithereens by some Islamic zealot with a Nike shoe bomb, does that mean that we are in
store for more winter, or an early spring? Very confusing...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I read where Bill Clinton's dog, "Buddy", was killed in a hit and run vehicular strike at their New York home. My thought is, given the vast amount of people in Clinton's past who have died under mysterious circumstances, what was so bad that after poor "Buddy" witnessed it that Clinton had to have his dog rubbed out in a professional contract style hit?
Notice there were no witnesses to this 'accident', and the team of Secret Service agents (agents who are forced to pay rent for the privilege of guarding the Clintons just so the Clintons can use the government to pay for their rather large house note) were no where to be found. Poor Buddy. Yet another skeleton in Clinton's rather large closet of bones...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Imagine my surprise when I awoke the other morning to find that I was a murderer with a long history of criminal behavior ...
The world is a strange place, and when someone with your name does something bad or gets killed, it gives you an eerie feeling to read a story about someone else who has your name. When I was a teenager, a "Christopher Shields" was killed in a high speed car wreck. Four years later, when I saw one of my elementary school teachers (I was in high school), he looked like he had seen a ghost.
My teacher had read the newspaper article years before and had (wrongly) assumed that one of his more wild students had finally met his Maker. I assured him that I had not and that I was doing fine. For years after that, when I ran into people that I hadn't seen for a long time, they all mentioned the article in question and many of them thought that I had been killed in a automobile accident. After that, I kind of just started enjoying being a 'ghost until proven living'. When I would run into people from my past, somewhere in the conversation they would say "But I thought that you were killed ..." at which point I would smile and reply "Hell was full, so I came back."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Three questions I have regarding sperm banks:
1) Are your deposits insured by the Federal government?
2) Can your account be overdrawn?
3) Is there a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I want an Elephant Gun. No, I don't plan on hunting any elephants, I don't want that kind of elephant gun. I want the kind of elephant gun that shoots elephants, the kind of big gun where when you pull the trigger, a flaming, screaming pachyderm comes flying out the other end at high speed, kind of like that guy at the circus and his cannon. I bet you have to have some type of zoning ordinance to own this type of weapon not to mention a special license. It wouldn't be too portable so you would probably have to set it up in your backyard. It would be fun to have a elephant gun. I bet your neighbors wouldn't like you very much after you set yours up though. I bet ammunition would be expensive. You'd probably only want to shoot it on special occasions. Clearing a dud round or cleaning the gun would be a humongous bitch to do.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I was in Hardee's the other day and saw their display for chocolate chip cookies. The slogan read "Chunks as big as boulders." The ad didn't identify if this was the size going in or coming out. I felt it best to err on the side of caution and bypass this culinary anomaly.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A warning I think that UL needs to start putting on electric blankets.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Not an official NASCAR(tm) bumper sticker, but it should be...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Do homosexuals wear chastity belts backwards?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Did you ever notice that a burp is just a fart with really high aspirations...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Alabama has the friendliest people in all of America. I know this because, while passing through the Heart of Dixie, I stopped off at one of the state rest areas to go to the bathroom. These were amazingly clean restrooms for such high traffic public use areas. Well, it was early in the morning, before sunrise, and I thought that I was alone in the restroom. However, as I stood in front of the stand up urinal finishing up I heard the following conversation from the two bathroom stalls next to me:
Bathroom stall #1: "Well, I guess I've got to get back on the road..."
Bathroom stall #2: "It was good to meet you!"
Bathroom stall #1: "Yeah, good to meet you too! Take care, man!"
Bathroom stall #2: "Hey! You have a safe trip and a happy New Year, ya hear?"
Bathroom stall #1: "Hey! You too, man!"
I heard a toilet flush, followed by another toilet flush, and I got out of there quick! I mean, you have to be a friendly state if you can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger in the stall next to you while you are taking care of business!
I wasn't going to stick around to make any new friends or shake any offered hands either. Sometimes, there is a limit on just how friendly you can or should be.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I've heard on the radio that NAIR has recently released a hair removal formula especially designed for men. The reasoning behind this marketing scheme is that after decades of research, NAIR has determined that men sometimes shave more than just their beard and mustache. This has to be the greatest news in the world for Ron Jeremy...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Did you ever notice that the Hamburgler and Zorro both look strangely alike?
Maybe Zorro has a sidekick, you know, kind of like Batman has Robin.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I saw a used car for sale on the Gulf Coast today. The owner had written in white shoe polish on the windshield:
"MAKE OFFER. NEED HEAD."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I listen to talk radio a lot, especially when I am on the road travelling. Well, the local talk stations apparently just record new sponsors over their older tapes, and don't erase the tapes to begin with, which makes for some interesting tidbits of older sponsorships left behind in gaps that the new promotions don't quite fill up. Case in point: I was listening to a commercial about En-Zyte or something like that which was supposed to increase the size, firmness, and stamina of the male sexual reproduction organs, in some cases, by up to 31%. Damn! This is a variant of those pills that women take which make their breasts larger. The commercial even says so! Then, at the end of the commercial, after the contact information is given and this particular commercial signs off, it runs into the previous commercial that had occupied that spot on the tape and the part of that commercial which the current commercial did not record over. So here is the last few seconds of this bit of unintentional mirth.
"... can increase size by up to 31 % in some documented clinical studies. Contact your doctor today and ask them if En-Zyte is right for you. Or call 1-800-4ENZYTE...."
Right on the tail end of the commercial for En-Zyte came the following statement, obviously part of an older commercial, but it synced with perfect timing to coincide.
"This public service message was brought to you by the National Highway Safety Council."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In our current, compassionate, liberal politically correct world, why is there still an organization with the title of "United Negro College Fund"?
Shouldn't it be the "United N-Word College Fund"?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I know a guy who the closest he's ever gotten to culture was his girlfriend's last yeast infection.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
And speaking of yeast infections...
I was walking through the pharmacy section of Wal-Mart the other night and my eye caught the product on an end aisle sales display; Monistat 3. It's for feminine yeast infections for those of you who have been mercifully spared from the horrendously mind torturing brain numbing mother-daughter 'quiet talk' television commercials which are on almost 24 hours a day. Just around the corner of this was a display of Monistat 7. Now for those not in the know, the number behind the product name is the amount of days it takes to cure the infection (claimed by manufacturer). My thought is, from what I gather from my female friends, having no personal experience of my own, a yeast infection is not a pleasant thing.
Why would anyone buy Monistat 7 when Monistat 3 was available? That just doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. I can't compare a yeast infection to anything, but I know if I ever get Athletes Foot, I want that stuff gone yesterday. Giving me the choice of having it gone in a week or having it gone in three days is a no brainer, at least to me. I get tired of taking off my shoe strings and flossing between my toes just to get relief. The reverse imagery is kind of humorous, if you think about it.
I remember when we first had Monistat 7 commercials on the TV, then came Monistat 5, then Monistat 3. I kept thinking why didn't they just hold off introduction of this product until they got the damn formula right in the first place. I mean, its not like they introduced Preparation A, then B, then C and finally when they got the formula to where everyone was happy, they stopped at Preparation H and just left it there. I dare you to go find Preparation A-G anywhere on the store shelves!
And if the formula is right today, why still sell the version that takes longer to get well? Is it cheaper than the faster version? The world is a really strange place. WHY anyone suffering from something like this would buy a version that takes longer to work is beyond me... but apparently there is a market for it, otherwise it wouldn't be on the shelves.
"Well, I got this damn old yeast infection. I'd get Monistat 3 but Monistat 7 is cheaper and I need money for my beer and cigarettes."
Oh, now I understand the marketing scheme. Suddenly, it all makes perfect sense.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I cringe when I hear the incessant deflowering of the English language. Black people are notorious for destroying the English language and I turn a deeper shade of red anger when a black person comes up to me and says:
"Hey! Let me axe you a quetshun!"
Of course, this type of behavior isn't just limited to black people. It seems to be capable of affecting anyone capable of producing words associated with the English language. White people, rednecks in particular, are just as guilty of this crime and I get just as angry or more so with them I guess because working with them every day I'm exposed to a far greater share of it. I guess I get mad at people who think that ignorance is some kind of method to being cool, that if you talk like a moron, you are being original. I particularly hate class slang, i.e. terminology that you would only be familiar with if you belonged to a certain social group or type of people.
Case in point: rednecks.
The other day, I was on the road, way out of town and away from my usual stomping grounds. I casually mentioned that I was going to lunch and that anyone who wanted to go with me was welcome to come along.
"Where's is ewe going?" one scoggin asked me.
"I'm going to lunch." I restated.
'Ewe'? I thought. When did we start talking about sheep?
"Where's you plans on eatin' at?" he asked, staring at me in a way I wasn't entirely comfortable with.
I sighed. I wanted to tell him 'between the A and the T' but the irony would have been lost on him, surely. Imaginary red ink flowed across the mental visual of this conversation's scripting. I bet this guy chased cars when no one was watching him or he was let out of his leash...
"I guess I'll go try that burger joint down the road, what is it called ... Montana's."
The redneck slapped his knee and let out a blood curdling yell that could only mean a stump mounted ass raping was being planned for some poor luckless soul in the near future.
"Dog will hunt!" he shouted to everyone in the room, looking around. "Yes sir, THAT dog will HUNT!"
I had no idea what the guy was talking about so I left as quickly as basic societal politeness would allow.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Gimp and I were on the road the other day and during lunch, we saw a guy tongue wrestling with this total scag. Gimp shuddered, laughed, and pointed out the couple. My eyes got wide when I saw how ugly the woman was.
"Damn!" I muttered. "She's so ugly she would dry up a wet dream ..."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I went to Hardee's the other day to sample the "Six Dollar Burger". More like "Six Dollars and Fifty Cent Burger". Hardee's is advertising this ... thing as a 'restaurant style' burger, i.e. something you would get at a non-fast food place like Applebee's, TGIFridays, or Chili's. They call it the "Six Dollar Burger" because that is what you generally pay for a hamburger in your finer eating establishments. However, Hardee's says that they are only charging you $3.99 for the "Six Dollar Burger". Now, I'm not great with math, which is why I married a math teacher, but you have to wonder about a fast food place that advertises a "Six Dollar Burger" for sale at $3.99.
Could these people know less about math than I do?
Probably.
By the time I added fries and a drink to my burger, it came out to be the "Six and a half dollar burger", which I thought was unfair advertising. Everyone on the radio was making out like this was the Messiah of burgers, so having my brain preprogrammed into thinking that this burger was better than the invention of FDS in a convenient travel size, Gimp, Jeff, and I went to Hardees one Friday for lunch and all three ordered this burger.
The staff was the most lackluster I have ever seen operate at a fast food place, all of them were fat and lethargic, which generated visions of them consuming massive quantities of the new "Six dollar burger" when no one was looking. Well, expecting to get speedy service at a FAST FOOD franchise, we were instead each handed a small number like you get at a steak house or other fine establishment.
WTF?!
So, with drink in hand, and a little plastic number tag that would clearly allow me to be tracked by anthropologists studying the migratory feeding habits of commercial led herd animals, I went and found a table. I was soon joined by Gimp and Jeff, each with their own little numbers. And we waited. We made small talk. We drank some of our drinks. We went into deep philosophical and rhetorical discussions on the impact of the "Six Dollar Burger" on the continuing existence of mankind, and then our burgers arrived. Ten minutes after we ordered them. I expected a royal fanfare for that kind of money, or at least some sexual favors from the better looking members of the female kitchen staff. However, no trumpets blared, no carpets were rolled out, instead, our burgers were delivered on a blue plastic tray with all the fanfare of someone scooping up dogshit out of a neighbor's yard.
Ten minutes waiting for this slapped together culinary torture device kind of took the "fast" out of "Fast Food" now didn't it. Each burger came in a dainty little white cardboard box with some gold trimming like it was being served at the White House for an important international summit luncheon. We all looked up at the mouth breathing fat manager as he brought our three burgers to our table on a tray. He set them down like he was some concierge at a fancy California 5 star resort. I actually think he paused for a few seconds to see if we would tip him. We didn't and so he took his little plastic numbers and left in an obvious huff. If I wanted this kind of service, I'd have been willing to pay for it, but I expect those who serve me to be better dressed and in better shape.
Jeff, Gimp and I then proceeded to open our burgers in their protective boxes (boxes I might add that were wonderfully reminiscent of a time when McDonald's was a real burger place that put their burgers in Styrofoam boxes instead of some touchy feely Earth-friendly liberal tree hugging wannabe corporation who wraps their burgers in boring paper wrap like all the other places do) and then we stared at our "Six dollar burgers". And we stared. And if comic thought bubbles were part of reality, then you could have drawn one large thought bubble with the three of us all thinking the same thought.
"THIS is a "Six Dollar Burger"?! WTF!?"
The experience was, in a single hyphenated word, anti-climatic. We were staring at a repackaged "Back Yard Burger" with Hardee's eye candy. What a rip. It was our collective first and last "Six Dollar Burger". I'd like to say that for a "Six Dollar Burger", about two-fifty was all I could stand to eat. A woman behind us ordered TWO of them! The world is a strange place and we three souls left Hardees that day feeling like we had been intellectually reamed without the benefit of any foreplay.
This, of course, is to be expected from a company who's idea of a corporate spokesman is "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"Deliverance" would be a damn scary movie to watch if you were buck naked and drunk … _____________________________________________________________________________________ I was supposed to deposit a check into our savings account the other day and I let it slip. Folded, it managed to wind up hidden among several receipts in my pocket and go unnoticed until the next day. I had already tried to cover my ass and lie by telling my wife that I had deposited it. Well, the next day, I was sitting in line at the bank, waiting to deposit the check when my wife calls me on the cell phone. There is, of course, a problem with the check in that the teller doesn’t know which of our accounts to deposit it into. So, I’m caught, and I have to ask Cindy about the account and then I'm cold busted."You said you deposited that check yesterday!" she said, somewhat angry. "You told me a fib!"
"Yeah." I admitted. "But it was fibbed for your pleasure."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Either I’m getting heavier or someone is monkeying around with the gravity settings for the planet.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I don't think we are doing enough to glorify Dale Earnhardt.
Seriously.
A great gesture by this country would be if every city and town in America adopted an official Dale Earnhardt street. We did it for Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't we and he didn't do half of what Dale has done for this country! How many Martin Luther King, Jr. decals do you see in the back of people's car windows? No where near as many as you see for Dale Earnhardt. Credit where credit is due, I say! Of course, these two streets would probably be on entirely opposite sides of the town and the speed limit would probably be well below that typically seen in a NASCAR race, but still, it would be a really great gesture to a fallen American hero.
What about a national holiday in honor of Earnhardt. Call it Dale Earnhardt Day, and all government agencies would close in solemn remembrance. Of course, it would be a paid holiday for state and government employees.
Let's make Dale Earnhardt an official saint! Saint Earnhardt. I think it would be a nice gesture from the Catholic church, seeing as how Dale did more for the world than ten Mother Theresas. I think every trailer park should have a outdoor public shrine to Earnhardt with candles and incense burning 24 hours a day and country music playing softly in the background. All of this would , of course, be funded by revenue from the welfare system.
If you prayed to Saint Earnhardt, I bet he could probably carry your prayers to heaven real quick, well, if your prayers could get to heaven by going round and round in a big circle that is. Maybe 500 laps in a big loop and they would be there, kind of like having a victory lane for prayers that made it, unless like a bunch of prayers were trying to draft each other for better speed and one got sideways and caused a twenty prayer pile up on the front straightaway and a caution flag came out or something like that. Or maybe heaven is on like Turn One and Saint Earnhardt will be like the first saint to bring your prayer requests back to Earth. I bet he'd bump the other saints off the track on his way just so he could be first to get back to you. I believe that Dale would be a very aggressive saint, he wouldn't take crap off any of the other saints, that's for sure. I think the Catholic church should make Earnhardt a Saint. Enough people worship him already to easily qualify him for Sainthood.
Who knows, Earnhardt may even get to be bigger than Jesus...
I think in the presence of such a shining angelic power as Earnhardt, that even J.C. could use a little extra PR. Maybe we could get Jesus to sponsor NASCAR. Yeah, we could sign Him up for a rather lucrative advertising contract with Budweiser; something along the lines of "... and now, the King of kings for the King of beers."
Oh, wait! I forgot! Dale Earnhardt is in Hell so put a big scratch mark through that saint and shrine idea...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
At work, we have a lot of forms to fill out, many are multi-copy with one color going to one department, another color going to yet another department, etc. It gets a bit confusing sometimes because depending on what you are doing, you might get the same form sent to you, but on one form you keep the blue copy, and on the next form, you keep the red copy. I finally had enough and threw a bunch of the forms up in the air and watched the rainbow of paper fall back down around me.
"Damnit! This is like "Garanimals" for Bureaucrats..." I shouted.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
William Wallace would kick Helig Meyers' ass...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Well, since the September 11, 2001 attacks on NYC, I haven’t heard AC-DC’s song "I feel safe in New York City" being played much on the radio locally… coincidence? _____________________________________________________________________________________I was working on a computer problem the other day and it got overly complex really quickly, escalating into a race to save valuable data before critical hardware failure made that impossible. I managed to save the day and sighed as the last of the data made the transfer safely from one machine to another.
"That could have been ugly..." the user commented.
"Yeah." I replied. "Like a Waffle-House-waitress-having-sex-with-a-trucker kind of ugly..."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"AMERICAN TALIBAN"?
more like
"AMERICAN TRAITOR"!
American Taliban?! What an insult! Call it for what it is, please. Not since Hanoi Jane has there been a worse excuse for a human being. John Walker is a terrorist and a traitor. He stopped being an American citizen when he chose to join the Taliban and take up arms in their cause against us. It is that simple. He should be tried as a war criminal and executed as a traitor to his country. I’m sure that we’ll hear how John was a victim of something or the other, how the schools let him down, how society wasn’t there for him, he came from a broken home, he couldn't make the team due to other kids being more competitive than him, etc. The truth is, he was intelligent enough to understand a highly complex and very different language, he was smart enough to understand the fundamentals of a different religion, to adapt his life to that language and religion, and to go to another country seeking that same religion.
The fact that he joined a regime like the Taliban is yet another choice of his that he made freely. His ‘support’ of the September 11th attacks should be automatic grounds for removing his citizenship and any rights he has as an American citizen. If John Walker were my son, not only would I be ashamed, but I would disown him completely.
Wake up, America.
Knowing the way that this country works, John Walker will have his own TV talk show by this time next year and he’ll be a guest at the Democratic National Convention as a guest speaker on what is wrong with America. An American citizen fighting for and with the Taliban?! That is all you have to remember when you watch the news casts, people. Get some paper and a pen and make a little sign that says
"JOHN WALKER CHOSE TO FIGHT FOR THE TALIBAN AND SUPPORTS OSAMA BIN LADEN".
if that doesn't work, then try this one:
"JOHN WALKER SUPPORTED AND CELEBRATED THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS AS A VICTORY FOR ISLAM."
That will make your choice much easier if you can cut through the liberal media’s spin that Walker is a victim or something like that and that we should pity him instead of punish him.
Wrong!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Why is it that most of your cheap Nativity scenes for sale in stores at this time of the season have the figures all look like they are either suffering from heart burn or constipation. Mary and Joseph are usually cross-eyed and holding a hand to their stomach. The wise men look like they're about to do a commercial spill for Exlax. Look at their faces next time! It's hilarious...
That's what you get for a product made in Chad.
_____________________________________________________________________________________ Ewok (tm)- the other, other white meat._____________________________________________________________________________________
After sitting and squirming for a long time the other night at the ER, I had to adjust my underwear. Charlie, one of the staff on duty, started laughing as I over did it, jumping up and down, dog cussing, and actively putting on an impromptu slap stick comedy show for my gathered audience as I pantomimed trying to dislodge an evil wedgie in the making.
"You have Indian underwear on?" Charlie asked. "Is it sneaking up on you?"
"No." I replied, finding some relief at last. "Apparently this is French underwear..."
"French underwear?" Charlie asked, curious at the term.
"Yeah." I said. "It's not sneaking up on me ... It's trying to garrote my oui-oui!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How did we ever survive before the modern miracle of fiber optic lighting was added to ordinary Christmas ornaments?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
http://www.conseco.com/csp/stockcar_stocks_funds/index.html. NASCAR stock? That's pretty damn ridiculous. Your stock goes up and down while a bunch of rednecks go round and round. Want my portfolio advice? The Dale Earnhardt stock portfolio took a hard crash earlier this year and is still not doing well, but other stockcar stocks seem to be continuing to have a winning season… _____________________________________________________________________________________If great movies could be compared to great music, then Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope would be along the lines of the works of Beethoven, while Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace would be along the lines of N-SYNC or Britney Spears, and that is being nice.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
"My momma told me I was getting a pair of Magic Shoes." –Forrest Gump
After a long time, the elusive gizmo referred to only as "It" or "Ginger" has been unveiled to the public. After nearly a year of speculation and (completely overblown) media hype, inventor and entrepreneur Dean Kamen (who?) will unveil "Ginger" (who?) on ABC's "Good Morning America" Monday, an invention that some say could change the world and others believe is a motor scooter...
I’m sorry... I totally missed this little epoch of human evolutionary development. Was the country really sitting on the edge of their seats and holding their breath for something called "IT", and later called "Ginger"? Did they think it was going to be a bionic inflatable sex doll? A self cleaning toilet? A 100 mile per gallon carburetor? Well, what the hell is it? "IT" is an electric scooter that looks like a motorized version of a cargo dolly. What gives? Has America really shrunk that far down the intellectual ladder? I used to watch the guys from the Coke plant do tricks like this in the storeroom of the grocery store I used to work in when I was a teenager and they had un-electric dollys... Big whoopty deal.
"Apple Computer's Steve Jobs was quoted as saying that "... people will erect entire cities around "IT." "
Well, we all know that Steve Jobs is
an idiot to begin with and this only proves it. Can you see anyone building entire cities
around this thing? It's just a Razor scooter with a electric motor! Yeah,
they're going to build entire cities around the concept of this thing. Entire
cities of tree hugging liberal touchy-feely do-goody politically correct idiots. The
rest of us will just continue to use our SUVs to get to work and not feel guilty about
it. Look at how this thing is designed! I bet a snow plow on the front would
be a great aftermarket installed option for winter. Otherwise, you aren't going to
be going anywhere come the first snow fall.
A heavy duty brush guard on the front of your SUV should remove these 10mph electric
motorized environmentally friendly idiots from your path without too much effort.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How much electricity does an electric chair use? I mean, how much does it cost, money wise, to fry someone? Does this show up on the prison’s electric bill? Does the electric chair have one of those little meter boxes outside that some guy comes along every month and checks for usage?
I think somewhere there is an electric chair with a little decal on it that says:
"CONSERVE ENERGY- REMEMBER TO TURN THIS DEVICE OFF WHEN NOT IN USE."
Now that would be funny.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I hear where the liberal democrats want to undermine the President's authority for their own political benefit. These losers actually believe that the terrorists responsible for the September 11 attack should be tried in civil court, not formal military tribunals.
My thought is, if the liberals want to try the terrorists in a civil trial, will the terrorists be charged with a "hate crime"?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Well, crap... I had a funny idea, but that train of thought derailed and there were no survivors...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Here is another bumper sticker I came up with...
I think I'll market this one just to strike
back against the religious ignorant who think you can buy your way
to Heaven by slathering your vehicle with decals and listening to American Family Radio.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you have more than three air fresheners hanging from your rear view mirror, you need to consider that it might not be the CAR that stinks, hell, it might be YOU...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Picture this: You are a twenty-something man going to the mall looking for a date and you are wearing khaki shorts, brown dress socks, loafers, and a black T-shirt with yellow "WAFFLE HOUSE" logo on the front. The back of your T-shirt says "Eat My Grits", followed with smaller script saying "And Eggs" and smaller "And Bacon" and the list goes on and on. Chances are, this guy was going home the same way that he arrived at the mall: ALONE.
Not kidding. Actually saw someone dressed like this. It was sad... Guy will still be a virgin the day that they close the lid on his box. Now I understand why they invented "Garanimals".
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I woke up the other morning in the worst possible way... when the radio alarm went off, I heard something that no human being should ever have to endure; Dwight Yokem doing an incredibly horrible cover of Cheap Trick's "I want you (to want me)". Trust me, it was auditory torture. They say that country music is good for your heart, too bad it has to go through your ears to get there.
Dwight Yokem has a voice that would make two cats stop fucking...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I really get tired of women singing the national anthem and being 'artistic' with it, drawing one particular word out into a whole elongated breath, hanging on one note like their life depended on it. Give it up and just sing it like it is supposed to be sung.
Most women who try to sing the national anthem sound like someone just yanked their ovaries out by hand and is strangling them with them.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I heard a funny song last night, it was on a 'all 80's music special' on the radio; George Michael's "Monkey". While the title is funny in and of itself, the lyrics were hilarious, especially in hindsight to what his checkered past is with regard to his sexuality. One line of the song went "Why can't you set your monkey free?" I think the problem with George is he's already tried to set his monkey free ... in public. Twice.
Or as George Michael says in his song; "Do you love the monkey, or do you love me?"
Glory hole rides again... I knew he swung a different way when he had that ridiculous band "WHAM!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
You know, the movie ALIEN: RESURRECTION was so bad, I bet even Ed Wood thought it sucked. _____________________________________________________________________________________Face it. No matter how nice you dress or how much you spend on your clothes, if you are butt-ugly, clothes aren’t going to make you any less so.
_____________________________________________________________________________________Sometimes when I blow my horn at stupid people, they just look at me with this dumb expression. I wonder if they make car horns that are close captioned for the hearing impaired ...?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
No, I didn't see this, but it would be a
funny bumper sticker, don't you think? Kind of a complimentary addition to those
dumb "Yes Lord, we will ride with you!" stickers you see.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If anyone still believes that Jesse Jackson is a good person, this should finally shed the light on what this loser really stands for. Jesse Jackson has recently added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to his Rainbow / PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Mel Reynolds received a complete commutation of his six and a half year Federal sentence for FIFTEEN CONVICTIONS of wire fraud, bank fraud & and lies to the Federal Election Commission. Reynolds is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
This has to be a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.
Reynolds' new job at Jackson's Rainbow / PUSH Coalition?
Youth counselor.
All true.
Like that witch Hillary Clinton used to be so fond of saying; "I did it for the children."
Or in Bill, Jesse, and Mel's cases, "I did the children."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Do you know why NASCAR is a male dominated sport? Think about it... You have a big round track, you have forty or more rednecks going fast in a big circle and people think it is a 'sport'. No, it is a bunch of rednecks that have prostituted themselves for the sake of brand loyalty who are completely lost. It takes them 500 laps to find the finish line! Do you think baseball would be any fun to watch if the hitter had to run around the bases 500 times to score a run?
I doubt it.
500 times? That's not racing! That's repetition!
If women were driving those cars, the average NASCAR race would last one lap, maybe two. All the cars would pull out, go around the track at a sane speed, and then each woman would pull into the pit row, ask directions to the finish line, and the race would be over on the next lap.
Maybe we could call it MASCARACAR.
I think it would be funny if TAMPAX tampons sponsored a NASCAR event... Imagine: "The Tampax Light Days With Wings Mini-Pad 500"
It could happen ... be funny if it did.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes life is stranger than fiction...
We had a woman call the ER the other night asking for some advice. She wanted to know if Compound W(tm) would remove genital warts. She was told 'yes, but that isn't going to help you with your problem...'
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Can really tight pants lead to constipation?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I was pulling security for the local hospital the other morning and was back in X-ray talking to the day time X-ray technician. A patient came in for their early morning CT scan. The patient was asked if they had taken their chalk drink to allow their internals to show up better on the CT scan. The patient replied that they had not, so the X-ray tech explained that they had to take the chalk and wait for two hours before they could do the scan. The X-ray tech went into the other room and found some chalk already mixed up in a sports drink-type bottle. IIRC, the indicator on the side said 800 milliliters, it looked like a lot and that stuff tastes pretty nasty.
"What's THIS stuff?!" the patient asked as the X-ray tech undid the top and handed it to them to drink.
"Think of it as the rich taste of Colontene(tm)" I nonchalantly told the patient.
The X-ray tech spit his coffee out he was laughing so hard.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The other night we were discussing college history classes and the topic of Greek Mythology popped into the conversation. Amid talk of Medusa and the Minotaur and other well known heroes, we were each asked to tell our favorite Greek mythological figure. When it came time for me to tell mine, I introduced the characters of "Heterogeneous" and "Homogenous", a little known Trojan War story about a Greek soldier and his gay friend. I explained that Homogenous was responsible for the idea of the Trojan Horse and that the tail lifted up to allow the soldiers to enter and exit the huge artificial horse. As I was pronouncing their names "Hah-tra-jah-nus" and "Hah-Ma-Jah-Nus", it took one of the more learned in the group to catch on and explain to the others that "Homogenous" and "Heterogeneous" were not obscure Greek characters as I was telling them, but rather the two terms were states of dispersion in liquid materials.
I had them all going for about ten minutes before Mr. Smarty Pants went and spoiled it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This week on Sci-Fi: The Crossing Over with John Edward NASCAR(tm) DALE EARNHARDT(tm) Special
Devoted fans get to channel their deep love and admiration to NASCAR race car driver Dale Earnhardt. Don't miss this incredible one hour single spirit special as John Edwards links fans with their fallen hero from beyond the grave, channeling the spirit of the most beloved race car driver ever.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I was wondering if the urban marketing ad campaign for Kellogg's "Nuttin' Honey" cereal was redone to be more popular with the consumer market of big city inner urban ghetto consumer areas. I can imagine that Kellogg's would have repackaged their cereal and called it "Nuttin' Biiaatch!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From the "Songs with rather obvious masturbatory undertones" file...
Get a Grip
I heard this song on the radio and about wrecked the car I was laughing so hard! How do they get away with this stuff?! Oh, this is the same band that brought you that song "Closing Time". I'm sure you can imagine the up-beat tempo of this little piece.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Just wondering when Harley Davidson will release a "Dale Earnhardt Commemorative Edition" motorcycle...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I saw a bumper sticker today that made me think out loud. I mean, I've seen this same bumper sticker before, but I just never realized how truly DUMB this saying is when you think about it. The bumper sticker read:
"YES, LORD! WE WILL RIDE WITH YOU!"
I didn't know Jesus had a car! I wonder what He drives...? When Judgment Day does come these people had better hope to God that Jesus Christ doesn't come back down out of Heaven driving a Mazda Miata. Otherwise I think there are going to be a lot of really disappointed people having to thumb a ride to the Promised Land ....
Custom image courtesy of Longboy
Graphics Design LTD.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I saw another ridiculous bumper sticker on a pickup truck today. It was one of those damn Dale Earnhardt bumper stickers that trailer park tornado bait white trash rednecks hold so dear to their hearts. The bumper sticker read:
"IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE... BEHIND ME!"
Behind this silly witty message was the stylized number "3" followed by Dale Earnhardt's oft reproduced signature (which is the only way you will ever get it now...). My thought was this, if I'm right where I need to be and that is supposedly behind Dale Earnhardt, that doesn't sound like a place that I want to be. Face it, the man is DEAD and unless he had a special two seater coffin made just for him, I doubt anyone is behind him right now! Was his coffin even safety approved by NASCAR before Earnhardt was buried? We wouldn't want to have a pile up on turn 3 heading into Hell now would we? That would be a real disaster, what with lost souls all over the track and such...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From the "Truth is stranger than fiction" file ...
Check out the last entry for 'Other Top News'
Yes, folks, there is actually a "World Toilet Summit", believe it or not, and you thought that unilateral nuclear disarmament discussions were important?! Apparently not as important as advances in toilet technology! There is even a job description labeled "restroom professional". Man, wouldn't that look impressive on a business card! Found this little bit of news on CNN.com, which generally has some of the most ridiculous news 'fit' to print. They never let me down...
SINGAPORE -- Singapore aims to cash in on the humble toilet while
promoting
its reputation for being squeaky-clean, when it hosts the World Toilet
Summit next week.
Some 500 restroom professionals from around the world are expected to troop
to Singapore for a three-day summit beginning November 20, featuring
state-of-the-art restroom designs.
The restroom industry has developed to a point "where it was necessary to
create a significant international forum to highlight the contributions,
state-of-art and practices of the restroom trade and profession," the summit
organizer, the Restroom Association of Singapore, said in a statement.
The organizers added that Singapore is well placed to host the premiere
event, since it has excellent amenities and cleanliness.
Incidentally, China is sending 20 delegates to join the summit, apparently
to improve its notoriously foul public toilets, in time for the 2008
Olympics.
The official China Daily earlier reported that Beijing officials had agreed
to a two-year renovation plan for the 452 public toilets at 305 tourist
sites.
In addition to case studies on toilets in South Korea, Malaysia, Japan,
China, Korea, India, England, Finland and Australia, the seminar will also
include a forum on investments in toilets.
The event organizer has also planned a tour for the delegates to visit
Singapore's top three restrooms including themed lavatories at two downtown
shopping malls and the zoo.
Singapore's Zoo loo has toilets with rock walls and vegetation to give users
an outdoor experience, and regularly shines in Singapore's annual "Clean
Public Toilets" campaign.
Here, a busy traveler checks out Version 3.0 of CUCMEPEE, the latest and hottest
in toilet cam software ...
You know, folks, you have to be pretty far down on the reporter totem pole to get assigned a story like this. I pity the poor fool who had to do this write-up.
You know what is sad? That one day you are going to see a velvet painting of Elvis hung right next to a velvet painting of Dale Earnhardt.
Think... Somewhere, someone has actually put Perrier in their bong and thought they were being trendy by doing it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Read the fourth news link very carefully.
Is CNN advertising an actual news story, or
is this the title for a really bad Asian kung-fu movie?
Discourtesy of CNN.com
_____________________________________________________________________________________
And I thought this was pretty damn stupid …
"The Godfather of Soul ~ he's JAMES BROWN!! And he's feelin' good!! So good that he's Dancin' and Shoutin' it for everyone to hear. He stands 20" tall! Press the button on the base and its showtime!! He swings his hips and arms, turns his head from side to side and moves his mouth to the words to his trademark song, "I Got You (I Feel Good)". He is wearing leather like trousers and vest. His vest is embroidered with JB. What a perfect Christmas gift for any James Brown fan!! Requires 4-AA batteries, or a 6-volt adapter. Synchro-Motion, a cutting edge technology in animation which utilizes specially designed electronic components to synchronize the motion of the mouth to words or phrases, making an inanimate object come to life-magically!!"
That or the toy is demonically possessed... Well, I'm sure that this 'gift' is a better choice than giving someone one of those little ceramic black horse jockey figurines that some people have in their yards. You can only get this abomination at Walgreens, it's an exclusive offer available no where else, which might just be a leading indicator of the kind of person who shops Walgreens.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Saw a new Dale Earnhardt collectible the other day, NASCAR Dale Earnhardt car shaped walkie talkies. Perfect for the little NASCAR fan to run around outside and play with?
"Dale! Dale! Can you hear me? This is Timmy! Dale?"
"Aw, what's the matter, son? Are your new NASCAR DALE EARNHARDT WALKIE TALKIES(tm) not working right?"
"They work fine, dad, it's just that I can’t get Dale Earnhardt to answer me."
"Well, that’s because Dale Earnhardt is in hell, son, and I don’t think those little walkie talkies will reach that far."
Is there NO shame in making money off of a dead man...? I guess not. He's going to make as much if not MORE money for NASCAR than he did when he was alive.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
There is a commercial playing on the radio right now, I’m assuming it is produced by some power company or consortium somewhere. It starts off with this ridiculous notion that the announcer is going to try to get you, the listener, to become an environmentalist, and what better way to become an environmentalist than to interview a moose. Well, the moose doesn’t talk, so the announcer kind of plays stupid and then the real message behind the commercial plays out that adjusting your home thermostat will help save the environment. My thought is this, why didn’t they just say that in the first place instead of acting like people are a bunch of sheep that need a ridiculously stupid attempt at humor to get them to pay attention to an important fact? I mean, if we had cut out the entire ‘let’s interview a moose on what he thinks it takes to be an environmentalist and why isn’t the moose talking, oh, because animals can’t talk, hahahaha, oh here’s an important message about conserving energy".
After listening to this commercial time and time again on the radio, I’ve determined the best way to make someone an environmentalist… you open up their skull and remove three quarters of their brain. People are sheep.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
www.manbeef.com
No, it's not a homosexual porno site but rather something much, much more disturbing. It came to me via a friend's email, and all I can say about this is, well, it lends a whole new meaning to the term "ground Chuck". I personally wanted to run down the hall shouting "Soylent Green is people!"
I'm pretty sure it's a hoax, but it's a damn good one.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Those who are familiar with Amway will realize the network scheme required to make money in this company. Someone brings you in, getting a profit from what you sell, and it is up to you to find other people and bring them in below you, in turn you are making a profit off of what they sell.The people below you are referred to in Amway doublespeak as a ‘Down Line’.
I prefer to refer to this form of networking as "chumming".
_____________________________________________________________________________________I wonder if anyone ever seriously considered polishing anything with ear wax...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How long before Jane Fonda visits the Taliban
and apologizes for America bombing them?
I’d thought I’d try my hand at some cheap romance writing. I came up with the following few lines:
"Her throes of passion shook her like a epileptic hippo on a king-size waterbed during an earthquake."I think it’s Harlequin Romance material myself, but I may be wrong…
_____________________________________________________________________________________I saw something funny today… it was a pale blue Suzuki Sidekick with a radar detector on the dash.
I’m sorry, I didn’t think those things could get going fast enough to warrant having to use a radar detector.
_____________________________________________________________________________________I saw something scary today. It was a silver Ford Festiva L. The rear window had a white "AIN’T SKEERED" decal in the middle. As I drove by, the feminine thing driving looked over at me and smiled with all four good teeth. She may not have been scared, but I sure was!
"Arggggghhh!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "It’s Sastwat!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________One of the greatest examples of an oxymoron in the English language has to be the term
"Urinal Cake"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If I invented artificial plant fertilizer spikes for artificial plants, I’m sure someone, somewhere out there would pay good money for them.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Gimp and I got behind two black guys at the drive up ATM the other day. The passenger looked like he was passed out in the side seat, the driver kept putting a card in this way, then that way, then upside down, and getting the same error beeps and message. There were five cars behind them including me, it was lunch time, and we were all getting pretty damn impatient with this guy. What was he trying to do? Take out a home mortgage at the ATM?
I blew my horn and he threw me a gang sign before just driving off real slow and cool like.
"NSF" means "Needs Some Funds" in your account, brother!" I shouted as he drove away.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I wonder if the Rush Limbaugh show will now be closed captioned for the hearing impaired?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Someone asked me the other day if I woke up on the right side of the bed or not that morning...
I told them no, I usually slept on the left side…
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I saw a guy standing on the corner today, he had a obviously dyed jet black crew-cut, dark glasses, and a sleeveless flannel vest / shirt with black cargo pants tucked down into dull old combat boots. He was talking on a cell phone and he seemed pretty serious about whatever the conversation revolved around.
I told Gimp that it looked like "The Matrix" had finally collided head-on with "Hee-Haw".
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I think the easy availability of cheap 1982 to 1992 Camaros and Firebirds has been responsible for the rapid growth of the mobile home industry and market more so than any other single factor.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
[RANT WARNING]
For weeks now I’ve been warning those who think like I do (via private email) that while America was guarding things it thought were important (the Washington Monument, etc.) that terrorists would strike at things that we may not be guarding so closely. One of the targets I listed was the Golden Gate bridge. My wife returned from a meeting last night with supper and news that California was rushing to protect several bridges from what became known as ‘credible threats’. The amount of email I received that night was to the tune of ‘Damn! You were right!’.
It’s not clairvoyance.
It’s common sense.
A bunch of rental trucks have been reported stolen since Bloody Tuesday. We all know what a fertilizer bomb will do when it is mounted in a mid sized rental truck, the Murray building in Oklahoma City was testament to that. Imagine what a similar bomb would do to the middle of the Golden Gate bridge. Imagine rush hour, the bridge full of traffic, and some suicide bomber deciding it was the best time to meet Allah.
We also talk of biowarfare. So far, the biowarfare has been pretty much limited and except for careless mail handling, relatively contained to a few target areas. With simple precautions, this type of warfare can be contained even further; but the public has to be educated, something that the government has been working hard against for like the past 10 years. People are sheep, and Anthrax is a disease of sheep. This saying is never more true than now, sadly.
My thought is this: IS anthrax our main worry? There would seem to be better ways of conducting biowarfare. Indeed, Anthrax is a rather primitive method for attacking an enemy in large numbers. The recent threats reported by Canadian intelligence show that something ‘credible’ is going to happen in the next few days or weeks. We’re told that Osama Bin-Laden may have access to nuclear weapons grade material courtesy of some religious zealots with PHDs in Pakistan, and we’re worried about Anthrax. Personally I think the Anthrax is a red herring, sure some people are going to die, but no where near as many people as died in the first attack. Anthrax is a pitiful weapon to use as a biowarfare device, Sarin would be much more effective, especially if, like the Japanese learned, it is released in an underground or relatively closed environment such as a subway or a large shopping mall. Biowarfare to me is a red herring. Someone who has enough money and enough intelligence to orchestrate the attacks of Bloody Tuesday could and, let me reiterate, WOULD do better than Anthrax.
The government is worried about a crude, man portable fission device (atomic bomb to you civvies) that could be constructed easily and cheaply. Such a device would be child’s play to construct by any of the super powers (indeed, how do you think the term ‘briefcase nuke’ came into being…), a far more primitive and far more insidious (long term effects) ‘dirty’ device would be even easier to produce. What are you going to do? Ban briefcases and backpacks? Make cars have to have clear plastic trunks and hoods so people can see inside to know if a bomb is there?
I was right about the bridges in California. I hope I’m not right about what I’m about to present to you. A backpack nuke would be a bad thing in the heart of a major city. But a larger, better built nuclear device would be pure murder if detonated at a critical juncture of the San Andreas Fault Line. Are we patrolling and guarding the fault line? I doubt it. Nuclear scientists are a rare breed in the world, but apparently, Osama had two from Pakistan on his staff, and maybe others. The fall of Russia has produced ‘nukes for food’ as a viable market option.
My point is, if nuclear scientists are comparably rare in the world, especially the Third World, and Osama Bin-Laden has at least two confirmed to be in his pocket, how rare do you think geographers and seismologists are, especially in an oil rich area of the world? Oil companies have used geographers and seismologists for decades over there to find oil. Those jobs are plenty and readily available compared to the job of finding a nuclear scientist. How had do you think it would be for Bin-Laden to get a hold of information on the layout of the fault line? How hard do you think it would be for him to get a nuclear device to the fault line? Remember the California earthquake that toppled highways and sat overpasses down on the cars in the lanes below? Remember how we all thought that was horrible? That was a natural earthquake. Imagine one triggered on demand from a artificial nuclear detonation. Good bye California, off into the ocean with you? Possible, unlikely, but possible depending on the nature of the damage. This was a proposed threat decades ago when we had an enemy with Russia. I think the threat should be a very real scare now. A man-made earthquake would make the WTC and the Pentagon look like the work of amateurs. Would military targets be affected? Yes. But so would civilian targets, which is the goal of terrorist operations. Civilian casualties and the demoralization of the enemy from within.
Terrorists with nukes? You say no way? You would probably say Bloody Tuesday was impossible as well, but it happened. Our current line of thinking needs to not be ‘how?’ but more along the lines of ‘when?’. Osama has atomic or nuclear weapons, that much I’m pretty sure. When he will use them is the critical problem. Will he use them against troops on the ground in Afghanistan? I doubt it. His nukes are intended for civilian targets.
People claim that the Pentagon was a civilian target. I beg to differ. The Pentagon is the chief center of military command and operations in this country. How anyone can see it as a ‘civilian’ operation is beyond me. Sure, the military employs civilians in various positions, but that is the hazard of working for the military. You accept the same risks. The old saying goes "you are judged by the company that you keep", if you hang around military targets of importance, the enemy is going to judge the target by its most important aspect. This time, when attacking the Pentagon, the military leaders were judged to be more important as a target. The fact that these military leaders have surrounded themselves often with civilian counterparts is just part of the equation. If you work with soldiers, you are going to be treated in the same way as the soldiers are, i.e. the enemy is not going to discriminate when the ordinance starts arriving on target.
Which brings me to another contention with the US public. Osama killed over 6000 of our civilians, men, women, police, firefighters, non-combatants, on Bloody Tuesday. And we are to shed a tear and get all choked up because a few Afghan citizens are dying? A few third worlders who don’t have sense enough to get out of a war zone? Cry me a river, liberal. I still think in the death toll for civilians, Osama is way ahead and we probably won’t ever catch him. When American bombs start killing more Afghan civilians than Al Qaeda's bombs have killed American civilians, then I might start to question our military strategy. Until then, I say bombs away, and if your house is being used as a storage depot for weapons for Al Qaeda, and you keep your family inside to pretend it is a civilian target, then don’t cry to Allah when we flatten your house with a 500 pound bomb.
You had a choice, you made it, you live with the consequences. That’s a lot more than the people in the WTC had, trust me.
[RANT WARNING LIFTED]
_____________________________________________________________________________________
My thought is this: If Dale Earnhardt was so DAMN
great, how come
he didn't come back from the dead after three days...?
_____________________________________________________________________________________