Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.

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Probably out of all the ancient Greek philosophers, it would be Heraclites who would most agree with the aspect of time dilation in regard to Einstein's theory of relativity.

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I wonder if a subsidiary of the PEZ (tm) company makes those birth control pill dispensers...

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If you wince physically and mentally at the thought that there is now a new voting block out there known as "NASCAR dads" (which is the PC term for "ignorant white trash") then you will double over in abject gut spasming nausea to discover that there are now also "NASCAR moms."  It wouldn't take a great leap of faith to understand that there are probably "NASCAR families" as well.

Not only are there "NASCAR moms," but apparently they are actually proud of the title.  Take the following letter to a local newspaper as an example of this disturbing trend.  For some things, even I'm left speechless.  Yes, it's a local native responding to a local newspaper...

Don't forget all (of) us 'NASCAR moms'

I am writing in response to the Dec. 30 article entitled "NASCAR DADS: 'Soccer moms' losing ground to racier label." First off, how many "non" soccer moms did the reporter at The Orange County Register interview for this piece? There are many more NASCAR Moms than one would think.

I, for one, am a NASCAR mom. I have a room in my house with, get this, race cars and tags, and NASCAR dolls and parts of the cars. I also own a Limited Edition Richard Childress/Dale Earnhardt Monte Carlo, #3312 of 3333 with a NASCAR, Miss., license plate!  I want the furniture from racing furniture.com for my race collection; I want to go to Richard Petty's Driving experience and drive a race car!

Am I not the typical race fan? No? Is it because I am a woman? Don't get me started. The piece in The Clarion-Ledger made me fume!

My dream is to one day be able to go to the Daytona 500!

I, the mom, took my 17-year-old son to his first race. He and I had the time of our lives. My husband knows how big a race fan I am and when I had the chance to take my son in the fall he got me the tickets.

My son and I went because he knows how much I love the races.

I'll bet the reporter thinks men should be the ones taking their teenage sons to the races. Well, this is very much a family sport, and my son didn't mind one bit going with his mother to a race.

Yes I can even get to a racetrack by myself.

Send reporters to Talladega one year and look at how many women are going to the track because they want to see the race — and not just tag along with their husbands.

In fact, my sister-in-law and I have pre-reserved our tickets each year for the April race in Talladega. Those tickets are in the "women's'" names and we even take care of the hotel reservations six months ahead of time.

Our husbands both like racing, but when we go to Talladega, they are along for the ride! I have much more I could say, but I think now the newspaper should go back and do some more research on this subject.

Melissa Dearman
Jackson

I may look like I'm laughing on the outside, but inside I'm crying. -BE

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From the "Give me a frigging break!" file ...

The deep thinkers at Indymedia have come to the conclusion that the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy paints a "racist stereotypical tapestry" that does a disservice to young viewers everywhere.

Lloyd Hart says people of color are all associated with the Dark Lord Sauron in the movie and the elephant-riding mercenaries too closely resemble the cultures of Africa, Persia and East Asia. The Uruk-hai also too closely resemble Native Americans, which is sure to cause "a great deal of cultural and racial alienation."

The fact that King Theoden, a white guy, calls his troops the "great warriors of the West" clinches it in Hart’s eyes.

"Can you imagine how people of skin color, of Persian, Arab and East Asian ethnic background feel when they come out of these films where all the heroes are white and all the 'evil doers' are of dark skin," Hart writes.

Hmmm.  It's been a good four months since the last LOTR movie came out, Mr. Hart, and I'm still waiting on this "great deal of cultural and racial alienation" to manifest itself.  Oh, wait, it's just a movie and you're just another overpaid idiot at the helm of a lackluster think-tank.  -BE
 

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A liberal is what you get when you extend the right to vote to the naive.

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I wonder if it is possible to get both a Mississippi Disabled / Handicapped tag and a NASCAR tag. The way most of these people with state issued NASCAR tags drive, I think they should merge the two tags and make them one in the same.

It would cut down on a lot of paperwork, that's for sure.

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Why are there still Dale Earnhardt #3 NASCAR car tags available in the state?  Isn't that hill scoggin dead now a couple of years?  I think that having a car tag representing a dead man would somehow violate the separation of church and state, wouldn't it?  I mean, you don't see Mississippi having a Jesus Christ tag, and that's a man who's been dead for nearly two thousand years, but then Jesus actually did something with His life, which I guess is the reason why there's not a Mississippi car tag commemorating Him.

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I've always made fun of the big purple dinosaur "Barney" and swore that his vile presence would never invade my house.  Well, apparently, at my child's daycare, they show a couple of Barney videos.  My daughter came home humming the "Barney Song."  Sigh.  My wife and I found ourselves groaning, but realized that if Barney could make Amanda Catherine smile or teach her music and words at an early age, it was a good investment, so at Wal-Mart, we bought a musical Barney doll for our daughter for Easter.  Easter morning came and while our daughter was hugging the Barney doll and listening to the Barney Song (she's 16 months old now and was dancing around her crib to the music), I smiled.  Cindy took the Barney doll and started looking for the battery.  We wanted to make sure that if the Barney Song got too annoying, we could 'let the magic smoke out' where the doll didn't work any more.  I told her to check his back for some type of seal.  She flipped the Barney doll over and found out he had a butt, literally, two cloth flaps on his ass parted to reveal the inner cavity where the music box and battery were stored.  She spread Barney wide in a Goatsecx pose and I just shook my head, grimacing.

Cindy just leaned on my shoulder and dropped the Barney doll she was laughing so hard.

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What you call a Jerry Lewis Telethon, Michael Jackson calls the Home Shopping Network.

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I know someone who thinks that seminal refers to a type of American Indian.

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I know someone who thinks that an apostate is something you need
to get checked by a doctor once a year when you get older.

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I know someone who thinks an oaf is something you use to row a boat.

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I hear the Paris Hilton is a pretty good place to spend the night.

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Several people have told me that they play games on their cell phone or take a Gameboy into the bathroom when Nature calls. I thought this was interesting, since other people also take magazines, newspapers, or the Wall Street Journal with them when they have to take a dump (a high school friend kept his Playboys in there, but I think he was possibly multi-tasking, if you know what I mean).

If you look at this behavior, it can only go back logically to the invention of the written word.

So what did people do before the written word?

My guess is that they took a stick and drew pictures in the dirt in front of them to help pass the time.

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Gimp and I were walking around the Turtle Creek mall the other day during lunch and I spied this. 
Either it's a half off sale, or it's the new Fall lineup from the Brittany Spears collection.

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There is something that is just so NOT right about the way that
 this stuffed animal is positioned in the store window.

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Get the all new . . . Ann Coulter Talking Action Figure

Ann says she loves this replica of her.  "I think it's terrific!" Ann says, "This action figure can talk, wear different outfits and hairstyles."  But that's not all. Ann adds, "It also kills terrorist leaders and converts their followers to Christianity."

(Holy snikes!  It does?! That's unreal!!!!! It must have the same computer chip in it that those guys from SMALL SOLDIERS did... -BE)

I wonder if it's anatomically correct
and if Barbie's clothes will fit it?

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I think it would be funny if Motorhead did an album of heavy metal nursery rhymes. Think about it, Lenny singing "Patty Cake" would be hilarious.

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I see where McDonald's has introduced new "Chicken McNuggets."  Shouldn't that be new "Chicken" McNuggets?  I guess it took them over twenty years to finally get it to where their McNuggets really did taste like chicken.

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I don't like professional sports and the one sport that I really hate is football.  One fun thing to do is turn the sound all the way down and make up your own referee calls.  I've included a few here for your entertainment.

18) "Do these pants make my butt look big?"
19) Everybody disco!
20) All right, break up the man train.
21) I'm dead sexy, I am.  (twists nipples and rubs breasts)
22) "All hail Caesar!"

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I saw perhaps the dumbest shirt the other day.  It was a T-shirt that showed a cloud, with a stylized number 3 on it equipped with a halo and little angel wings.  The 'angel' number 3 was sending some kind of rays of light down to a stylized #8 on the ground below and the caption read "Help from above."

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't divine intervention be an unfair advantage in NASCAR?  I mean they have restrictor plates...

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I wonder if cotton candy is a good source of fiber.

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From the "WTF is wrong with you people?!" file

Researchers have decided that age-old fairy tales such as Cinderella and Snow White contain so many stereotypes that they are just as harmful to children’s psyches as the misogynist, violent, drug-addled videos of current popular culture.

The Press Association reports that researchers in America found that the tales passed down since the 1800s put too much emphasis on physical beauty and could harm kids’ self-esteem as a result.

"There is a lot of association between beauty and goodness and then conversely between ugliness and evil and laziness," said study co-author Liz Grauerholz.

Grauerholz tells HealthDayNews that parents should change the stories. Tell Cinderella to your child as if she were male. Or change the ending so she decides the prince wasn't right for her after all and lived happily ever after by making her own life.

Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!  What kind of new age liberal touchy-feely bullshit is this now?  Change the fairy tales so that Cinderella is a man?!  What are we teaching our children here, that cross dressing saves the day?  I've got a better idea, how about we rearrange it so that Cinderella is a lesbian and doesn't even like men at all but runs off with another woman she meets at the ball?  Then we could rearrange Snow White and the Seven Dwarves to be Snow White and the Seven Height Challenged But Still To Be Respected Male Members of Society.  And why does it have to be Snow White?  I think that the name is racist in and of itself and I'm surprised there hasn't been more of an outcry against this movie. 

Listen to me, folks.  They are taking away everything that is good and wholesome with this nation, first it was God and prayer in schools, now it's the reshaping of fairy tales.  What next? -BE

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The other day I went through the Burger King drive thru.  When I got my order, it seemed kind of bulky, like someone had stuck something else down inside the bag.  At first I thought it might be one of those Dr. Seuss Christmas ornaments, but when I opened the bag, I found an AOL CD.  That kind of griped me, because it was a new way to spam me. What next, one in my box of cereal?

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I recently saw the Stephen King movie "Dreamcatcher" on DVD.  Now I don't consider myself an elitist when it comes to movies, if I like it, I like it, regardless of what other people may think of the movie.  I've enjoyed some real stinkers before, stuff that other people have truly hated and I thought was either all right or even good, but this was the absolute worst two hours of my life.  It was even worse than reading the Michael Crichton book "Sphere", which was itself an exercise in excruciating mental agony.  This movie made absolutely no sense and it was a criminal waste of a perfectly good DVD.  Those are two hours of my life which I cannot get back and I am actually dumber for having watched it.  I think I would rather have had colon cancer for two hours of my life than have sat there and watched this Hollywood abortion. 

I was duped. 

Apparently, I honestly thought that Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore wouldn't sign their names to an utter piece of crap.  I was wrong.  Not even Morgan Freeman saying the words "shit weasel" could save this movie, which, coincidentally, is what the aliens are, as described by the government agents.  Shit weasels?  Come on!  What was King thinking of?  The whole movie was about aliens who gestated in a human body then chewed a large hole out your posterior before sliding around in the resulting goop.  And if you think the ending of the movie is stupid, wait until you watch the original ending which they cut out of the movie.  More brain cells and IQ points gone forever...

Consider this a warning to those of you who might not have seen this movie yet (and are contemplating it).  Go attach jumper cables to either your titties or your testicles and jump around screaming for two hours.  You'll feel better much afterwards if you do that rather than watch this movie.

Excuse me now, I'm just going to go drill a hole in my head and pour in a whole bottle of Bactine(tm) in order to make my brain stop hurting.

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