Studies have shown that you are using only  10% of your total brain capacity...   (3% if you are a NASCAR fan)

Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?

optipessimism: looking forward to seeing the dumb in people.

BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I didn't go out much the other day.  I had heard a weather report that we could expect 6 to 8 inches that afternoon.  Damn if I was going to bend over in public once someone told me that...

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A woman I work with was quite proud of her new shoes.   When she held up her foot so I could look at the shoes, I read the name of the shoe that was emblazoned down the middle.

"Skeechers?" I asked.   "Don't they spray around here for those?"

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If you remember that you are number one, and that everyone else in the world is out there to rip you off, screw you over, or use you as a stepping stone, you'll be ahead in the rat race, as well as the human race.

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Another woman I worked with had some nice slippers on for work in the hospital.  When she stopped near where I was seated, I looked at her shoes, reached down and gently stroked the top of the slipper, nodding in approval at the choice of material.

"You like those?"  She asked.   "They're real comfortable..."

"I bet they are!" I replied.   "They're genuine muppet, right?"

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I had a bad case of bronchitis and pneumonia, so much so that I finally had to check myself into the ER to get treated.  I was pulling security duty at the time and simply triaged myself, filled out my own forms, etc.   Well, after getting a pair of prescriptions, the doctor said that I needed a steroid shot.  I hate shots, but I'm not scared of them.  Big difference.   So, since all of the triage stations were full with other patients, the nurse and I were forced to go into the nursing station medicine locker.  I took off my duty rig, and pulled my pants down enough so that she could administer the shot.   She told me it would burn as the medicine went in but I was so miserable that I was ready for any relief.  I felt her rub my skin right below my belt line, and then she jabbed me.   Ouch!  I don't remember jerking or anything, I was too out of it with being sick, but I remember that after she said "All right, that's it!" and I pulled my BDUs back up and put my duty rig back on, man!  That medicine started feeling like 5 pounds of hot led in my hip.  I kind of staggered out of the nursing station and into the ER area.  As I stood there, where no one could see me, rubbing my hip, I saw the ER doors slide open.  A black male staggered in, holding his face with both of his hands.  Blood was flowing from between his clenched fingers, dripping down on the floor.

"Hey, man!" I said as the guy leaned up against the wall, looking up at me, tears in his eyes.  "What's wrong!?"

"Eyed bend shot!" the guy exclaimed.

I rubbed my hip gingerly.

"So have I, brother..." I said.   "So have I."

Damn that medicine hurt.

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I saw something today that kind of made me think and laugh.  It was a hearse.  For some of you out there, I'm talking about the long car that they carry caskets and dead people in, not something that cowboys ride off into the sunset.   Well, I've seen all kinds of hearses in my life but this one just kind of made me laugh a little.

This was a fairly new hearse, but what struck me was the fact that not only was it a Cadillac, it was equipped with one of the new 32 valve Northstar engines.  Said so on the driver's side of the tail gate.   I thought that was funny, a hearse with 300 plus horsepower on tap...

I wonder if ON*STAR is an option on hearses...

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Why is everything that can go wrong with a woman always start with the prefix of "Men-"?  I get tired of it and lets face it, someone out there named a lot of bad stuff for us men.  Women suffer from MENstrual cramps, PMS Pre MENstrual Syndrome, MENopause, etc. and then they go and get a HYS(his?)terectomy...  Now, in a perfect world, don't you think that it would be more appropriate if women suffered from WOMENstrual cramps, PWS Pre WOMENstrual Syndrome, WOMENopause and if they occasionally had to get a HERSterectomy?   Think about it...

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I thought about something the other day when I was watching a special on South American reptiles and I had a thought...  God didn't give snakes a reverse gear, did He?  Think about it...

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Two questions:

1) If you spank your monkey, can you get in trouble with the SPCA?

and

2)  What do monkeys spank?

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You all know where this is heading, don't you?   As faithful students of deep, dark thoughts, this could only lead to changing one word in Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey" and we have a whole new song...

Spank the Monkey- Peter Gabriel

Spank the monkey to life
Spank the monkey to life

Cover me when I run
Cover me through the fire
Something knocked me out' the trees
Now I'm on my knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know when you're going to spank the monkey

Fox the fox
Rat the rat
You can ape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of I can't take any more
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Something's burning
Don't like it but I guess I'm learning

Spank! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I breathe
You throw your pearls before the swine
Make the monkey blind
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Spank! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey to life

_____________________________________________________________________________________

That abysmal waste of perfectly good film, Star Trek VI, the Undiscovered Country came on the other night and it had the Klingons speaking Shakespeare.  When questioned about this, the Klingons replied that you didn't fully appreciate Shakespeare until you had read it as the Klingons translated it.   I thought that was pretty dumb.

I bet the movie "Deliverance" would be pretty damn funny if it were redone by the Klingons...

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I heard a local power company ad today on the radio.  These people always have these "Waltons" type ads where they talk about good old family values, and then they lead into a spill about how having dependable power is like the feeling you get as a child when you put two quarters into the offering plate at Sunday school.  This commercial  was about a old fashioned country wedding.  The bride was nervous and the grandparents came in to comfort her.  At first I thought it was a cross between the lost Walton's episode and a life insurance commercial, then they started talking about making plans for the future, dependability, and how marriage was a lot like having a dependable electrical power provider.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.  I guess using that kind of logic we can assume that having a miscarriage is like having an overdue library book.

The commercial had one great line in it, though.  Among all the talk of dependability, trust, marriage, and a life long commitment to service and being there for one another (scary when the word marriage is mixed into that sentence), there was one line that made listening to the whole commercial worthwhile.  Apparently, the groom was named "Peter" and the line went ...

Bride: "I don't think I could ever live without my Peter..."

I laughed out loud at that.  I couldn't believe they didn't see that one coming!  Like I've said before.   If you think this commercial was bad, imagine the ones that were rejected.

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Got this one a few months ago.  Local Walgreen's pharmacy.

Nice to know if you ever leave 'them' at home, you can pick up a replacement pair at your local Walgreens.

Heavy D and da Boyz.  Back in action.

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"Stone Cold Steve Austin could so too kick Dale Earnhardt's ass!"

If you shout this in a crowded scoggin bar, the Mirthometer(tm) will probably overload in the ensuing chaotic melee.

"Dale Earnhardt drove like a scared little girl !"

This one works even better, but your odds of survival are greatly diminished.

Only for serious and experienced scoggin provokers / marathon runners!

Wear good running shoes, and clothes that tear away easily like those pro-football uniforms
do on TV when some big guy grabs another big guy...

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Ever notice that there is only one letter difference between "garage" and "garbage"?  I think most people don't see that simple fact when they head to these "garage" sales.  If someone is throwing something away... let them!

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I bet this guy makes fun of people who watch Star Trek...

That's a number "3" shaved into his head for my slower visitors.

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT: A new low standard in Dead Earnhardt tacky-crap has been set !

That's right.  I was filling up the GTP last night at Chevron in Hattiesburg (on Hwy 98 by Super Kmart) and when I went to pay the cashier, I saw something near the register that just made me realize that although I thought that I had seen everything, that I had in fact just discovered the new benchmark for low standards in tacky-crap...  There, arranged in a little cardboard display near the register was this scene of three little girls with halos and wings looking up toward heaven.  Behind them fading out to the edges were the familiar checkered flags of racing fame.  The words "ANGEL RACER" were proudly presented on the display card, and the carton was full of little metal and clear glass crystal caricatures of angels holding ... something ... that was dangling beneath them by a small piece of chain.  These were tiny pins, like you wear on your shirt or jacket.  Curious as to what these 'angels' could be holding, and thinking that it might be some sort of interesting quasi-Christian junk trinket for the pseudo religious trailer park flocks, I read the title on the display, "ANGEL RACER" again.   A dark calm came over me, the very bad spirits started hooting and hollering deep within me as I reached over toward the little item and slowly picked up one of the individual angels out of the display to look closer at it.   What I saw made my mind go completely numb...

Hanging from the bottom of the angel, like it was carrying it on a short piece of chain, was a large stylized number "3".  Very stylized, so much so that there was no mistaking the characteristic 'font' of the number and script.  It was the infamous "Intimidator 3".  It looked something like this...

I looked on the individual unit tags, on the box, etc.  I could find NO mention of a parent company or who manufactured this crap other than it was, drum roll... MADE IN CHINA.  Since the ANGEL RACER KEEPSAKE PINs were $3.99 each, there was no way in hell I was going to buy one, so you'll just have to look at my sketch above and be on the lookout for these POS at your local (in)convenience stores.  I'll continue to try to track down the manufacturer and other information on this incredible piece of tacky crap.  I bet it cost all of $0.15 to make...

These pins had NOTHING to do, as advertised, with NASCAR or Dead Earnhardt, except for the stylized number '3', and that every single unit in the display was exactly the same.  That and the display sure looked like a NASCAR inspired display, except for the three little girl angels all with their hands clasped together.   Now I might think otherwise  if there were different numbers and different angel pins in the collection.  That might imply that the stupid NASCAR fan could find their favorite racer and wear his number and angel as a sort of pagan ignorant good luck charm to protect their chosen flock champion from PK-Zipping himself into a 30% smaller volume against a concrete safety wall like the Intimidator did...  However, ALL of these 'angels' were carrying the same stylized number '3' hung beneath them, so I am forced to conclude that this is a way off-beat attempt to coax yet more money from ignorant knuckle dragging, stump humping, hill scoggins.

You would have to be pretty stupid to buy something like this and I'm not stupid...  I know for a fact that Dale Earnhardt can't be in heaven.   How do I know this?  Because God absolutely hates "Hee-Haw", that's why.

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I was in New Orleans, "The Big Easy", on Monday night picking my wife up from the airport on her return flight from Tampa, FL.  On the way out of the Big Easy, we had to stop for gas.  I pulled off the interstate and made a wrong turn.  Realizing my mistake I went to turn around in a convenience store parking lot and stopped, staring at the front of the store.  A big neon sign above the entrance proclaimed:

"YOU CAN'T BEAT WAGNER'S MEAT"

New Orleans is a strange place after dark...

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Hardee's Famous Star Kids Meal Toy Mistaken For  Hardee’s Famous Star Promotional Antenna Topper,
Toy Then Repeatedly Violated In Parking Lot By Retired FL Couple

My wife and I went out last night to get something to eat.  There was a mix-up in where we thought the other wanted to go, so when I pulled into the parking lot of one of our favorite places, Villie's Deli, out in Oak Grove, she was pleasantly surprised.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was 9:20pm, and I didn't know when Villie's closed.  Pulling up in front of the Deli, we saw that it was empty, but the sign on the door said that they stayed open until 10:00pm Monday through Thursday, so I pulled the car into a vacant parking space and we started to walk toward the deli.  A man, in Villie's uniform attire, opened the front door and started to get into his Honda as we approached.

"Folks..." he said as we approached.   "I'm sorry but the restaurant is closed."

I looked at the door.  It said 10:00pm was closing time.  I guess my expression gave me away.

"Well, we're closed for people who want to eat inside.  We're still doing take-outs until ten tonight.  You see, we had the health inspector come by yesterday and he really wrote us up hard so we're having to close early tonight and the next few nights until we clean up a lot of things in the back and around the restaurant."

And he said this with complete honesty and a straight face.  There was a long, uncomfortable silence as the three of us stared at each other across the parking lot.  My mental gears were processing all of this information, working on a retort but the only sound that I could produce sounded like someone was trying to choke the life out of me.  It sounded something like "Gagggghhhhhhh!" and I emitted this sound as I did a perfect military about face and started fast stepping back to the GTP.  Cindy was pulled along at my pace by me.   She reached over and hit me and said it wasn't nice of me to act like that to that poor guy.

I merely reminded her that where we were about to eat had just only barely passed the health inspector's visit and that they were having to shut down partial operations in order to meet local food and health codes for compliance in order to continue to do business at all.  I told her to think about what that meant and did she want to eat there tonight or not.

It took her about five seconds to reach a decision.

I didn't marry a dumb woman...

We went somewhere else for dinner.

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We recently moved the office copier out into the hall.  In its place, we installed a large high capacity Hewlett Packard network printer, a 8100N model which is huge and very heavy. 

After several days, we had to put a notice on the HP 8100N printer that read:

THIS IS A NETWORK PRINTER, NOT A COPYING MACHINE.
THE COPYING MACHINE IS NOW LOCATED IN THE HALL.

We were having a lot of problems with people opening up the various service panels on the HP8100N, trying to put their paper in to be "copied" through the wrong slots, punching buttons at random until the printer went offline or lost its connection and generally we got tired of people coming to us and asking us how to work the "new copier".  One person even opened up the toner bay, removed the cartridge, and tried to figure out the inner workings of why this 'copier' wasn't like other 'copiers'.

Yes, it truly boggled the educated mind...

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A very disturbing old song that I recently heard on the radio while heading to New Orleans, LA. ...

KEEP IT GAY
Perry Como

Keep it gay, keep it light
Keep it fresh, keep it fair
Let it bloom ev'ry night
Give it room, give it air
Keep your love a lovely dream and never wake it
Make it happy and be happy as you make it

Let it sing like a nightingale in May
Keep it gay, keep it free
Or you'll frighten it away
Take it easy and enjoy it while you take it
Keep it gay, keep it gay Keep it gay

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Amnesty International and Hardee's Announce "The Safe Return Of The California Raisins."

AP Barb Wire Story- After a 15 year long exile, Amnesty International and Hardee's have finally negotiated the release of the wrongly imprisoned California Raisins from their sordid jail cell in southern Chad. The California Raisins, which first appeared in a series of commercials and ad campaigns starting in 1986, were on the first leg of a world tour when they were apprehended by authorities in the African nation of Chad.  While the wisdom of including famine stricken third world countries in a publicity tour that was centered around plump, juicy, talking and dancing fruit can certainly be questioned in hindsight, "... At the time it seemed like the right thing to do..." says CR spokesman T. C. "Jive" Raisin, former manager and now spokesman for a natural laxatives website.

The California Raisins were detained by local authorities shortly after appearing on stage at their second show in Chad.  The original criminal charges, many based on the fact that fruit should not be able to sing and dance on its own, and that any fruit which did such must surely be possessed by Satan and his minions, have finally been fully explained by the Amnesty International defense team lawyers. The "magic" of claymation was finally and irrefutably shown not to be evil magic but rather simply a special effects making method.  This process whereby the use of talented artists, special clay, keyed lighting, and the careful use of photography was explained, proved that it was possible to achieve the 'look' of magic without really involving Satan and his minions at all. With this startling new evidence entered into their case, the judge took just three weeks to decided in favor of the California Raisins, dismissing all charges, and allowing the Raisins to return to the United States.

Sadly, when the California Raisins returned home, fifteen long years after their rising star had finally set, they found that no one really gave a damn about them any more and the only job that they could find was as a cheap promotion item for lackluster burger corporation, Hardee's.   Hardee's is currently employing four members of the California Raisins in a promotional campaign under the slogan "The Return of the California Raisins".

"They're okay as far as cheap cost to benefit promotions go..." said Hardee's spokesperson Irene Smith.  "I tried to creatively package them as part of a new Jurassic Park III Kids Meal, you know, have the Raptors chase and eat the Raisins, but we lost the deal for the JP3 promotion, and I think the Raptor eating the Raisins angle would have been hard to get past the Raisins' agents... still, it would have done better than this ad campaign."

Other members of the original group could not be reached for comment but were reportedly bitter that only four members were offered employment by Hardee's.  Rumors of name calling such as "sellout" and "uncle tom raisin" were listed by a source which desired to remain anonymous.

So far, the highest customer satisfaction has been observed when the newly re-introduced promotional raisins were offered to family pets on long vacation trips to be used as a chew toy.

A group shot of the California Raisins before they left for an ill-fated 1986 world tour.

Fifteen years later, only four of the original members of the group would be able to find gainful employment upon their return.

Amnesty International is investigating reports of prisoner abuse that may have occurred in the Chad jails.  The photo above shows some of the signs of abuse suffered by one of the California Raisins while imprisoned.  You'll notice that despite signs of physical abuse, morale among the California Raisins always remained high.

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Have you ever changed just one word in a song and managed to rewrite the whole song?  Try it sometime, but do it while you are driving instead of when someone else is driving.   It is safer that way I've discovered.  I did this the other day, the first song was an oldie, Daryl Hall and John Oates "Your Kiss Is On My List".  I changed the word "kiss" to "tits" and the song still made perfect sense.

"(Because your tits) your tits are on my list (Because your tits) your tits are on my list Because your tits are on my list of the best things in life ..." I sang.

We had to pull over for obvious safety reasons.

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I just read where the government banned any attempt at human cloning.  I guess that comes as a shock, I thought everybody in Washington wanted an exact copy of Monica...  Think about it.  Human cloning.  Politicians without end, and interns for everyone.

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Does John Fogerty ever sing about anything other than baseball, old men, and swamps...?

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I recently discovered that there is no truth in advertising to the movie "SNATCH".  It is a gritty crime drama in the Pulp Fiction tradition and a very good one, though this is not entirely what I expected from the rather naughty title.

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"Never underestimate the reliability of stupidity..."

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And now, from the very choicest cuts of SPAM, I present yet another
golden award winner that I found in my email box...

(all spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors are intact and presented as they were received originally)

Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 09:05:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: william wanahi <wwmadu@hyperia.net>
To: blackecho@usa.net
Subject: to god be the

UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
Our Ref:
Your Ref:
 
              
 First, I must solicit your confidence in this ansaction;

this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret.Though
I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the
day. We have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction,



as we have been reliably informed of your discreetness and ability in transaction of this nature.

 Let me start by introducing myself properly to you. I am DR WILLIAMS A MADU Credit Officer with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc, Lagos. I came to know you in my Private Search for a Reliable and Reputable Person to handle this Confidential Transaction, which involves the transfer of Huge Sum of Money to a Foreign Account requiring Maximum Confidence.

 THE PROPOSITION:

 A Foreigner an American, Late Engr. John Creek (Snr.) an Oil Merchant with The Federal Government of igeria, until his death months ago in Kenya Air Bus (A310 - 300) Flight KQ430, Banked with us at Union Bank of Nigeria Plc, Lagos and had a closing balance as at the end of September, 2000 worth S$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million United State Dollars), the bank now expects a next of kin as beneficiary. Valuable fforts are being made by the Union Bank of Nigeria to get in touch with any of the Creek's Family or Relatives
but to no success.

 It is because of the perceived possibility of not being able to locate any of Late Engr. John Creek (Snr.)'s next of kin (He had no wife or children
that is known to us). The Management under the influence of our Chairman and Members of the Board of directors, that arrangement has been made for
the fund to be declared "Unclaimed" and subsequently be donated to the trust fund for arms and ammunition to further enhance the course of War in Africa and the World General.

 In order to avert this negative development, some of my trusted colleagues and I now seek your permission to have you stand as next of kin to Late Engr. John Creek (Snr.) so that the fund US$30 Million will be released and paid into your Account as the neficiary's next of kin. All documents and proves to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out. We
have secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of deceased beneficiaries, and more so we are assuring you that this business is 100%
Risk Free involvement. Your share stays while the rest be for myself and my colleagues for investment purpose, according to agreement within both
parties.

 As soon as we receive an acknowledgment of receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business roposal, we would furnish you with the necessary
modalities and disbursement ratio to suite both arties without any conflict.

 If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not make undue advantage of the trust we have bestowed in you.

PLEASE DO PUT YOUR TEL/FAX NO;ON RYPLAING


Best Regards.

DR WILLIAMS A MADU
CREDIT OFFICER(UBN)

Yummy!  This SPAM just gets tastier and tastier, doesn't it?  I mean, you could almost write a book... hey, that's not a bad idea!

Here is the link to more information on this scam... http://home.rica.net/alphae/419coal/

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I was in Jackson yesterday, and passed by a institution labeled "THE CENTER FOR BLIND INDUSTRIES".  This is a state run program where blind people are given productive jobs and allowed to earn a decent wage making products.   There is a cross walk in front of the building with flashing lights and a pedestrian symbol followed by the word "BLIND" on it for the workers to cross the road safely.  However, when I looked over, the center had a large parking lot that was full of cars and trucks, filled to capacity.

Think about it.  I did, and I didn't like the conclusions that I began to draw.  I kind of understand now why there are Braille markings on drive up ATMs.

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From the "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... I told you so." file

ST. LOUIS, Missouri -- The Missouri attorney general has filed two lawsuits against a television psychic hotline for false advertising, fraud and other unlawful business practices, alleging the company bilked consumers out of money and caused them significant injury.

The hotline advertises services by Miss Cleo, who speaks with a Caribbean accent and promises psychic and tarot card readings. The commercial, which has been broadcast across the nation, offers to "find the answers for free" with the slogan "Keepin' it Real."

"They should've seen it coming, whether they were psychic or not," state Attorney General Jay Nixon told CNN.

"The fact that they didn't see it coming shows they aren't psychic."

In a suit filed in Jackson County Circuit Court, Nixon charges Access Resource Services Inc., based in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, falsely advertises that certain services -- like tarot readings and psychic readings -- are free, and that no fees will be charged for the first three minutes of a call.

He said the company in fact uses the first three minutes to gather a customer's name and phone number, after which a caller is put on hold to wait for a "psychic" without being advised of the charges.

The company also has billed consumers for calls never made or calls made by minors who did not first receive parental consent, Nixon said. The TV ads say the services are only for people older than 18.

Nixon also said the company has sent bills to people for calls supposedly made after their death. (Wouldn't that be more of Ouija instead of Tarot? -BE)

"These unfair and unlawful practices," Nixon said in the suit, "presented a risk of, and/or have caused, significant injury to consumers."

Nixon is seeking a temporary restraining order and preliminary injunction to prevent the company from selling or advertising "'psychic' or entertainment services or pay-per-call services of any stripe."

In the suit filed in St. Louis Circuit Court, Nixon says the company violated Missouri's "telemarketing no-call list" law by calling residents who have been placed on a list of customers who do not want telephone solicitations. Nixon said more than 1.65 million Missourians are covered by the law.

Nixon alleges 94 such violations of the law. The no-call list is available to any business, Nixon said, but Access Resource Services did not request a copy.

The company faces a fine of up to $5,000 for each violation of the no-call law.

"This group isn't really a psychic, obviously," Nixon told CNN. "This is a group that has been very aggressive in telemarketing, not only this product but others."

Too bad there isn't a common sense law in Missouri...  You know the drill people.  If you call a psychic hotline, then you are a total _ _ _ _ _.  Say it with me.  I know that you can. Sounds like Miss Cleo was "Keepin' it Real" profitable.

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Why are there  no "DO NOT PUT BABY IN MICROWAVE" warning decals on microwave ovens?  What?!  Do you mean that someone, somewhere not been THIS dumb yet and then tried to sue the manufacturer over it?  Every time I crank up my lawn mower to cut my grass, I look down at that "DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THE GRASS CHUTE WHEN THE MOWER IS RUNNING BECAUSE THE MOWER BLADE IS SPINNING REALLY FAST AND IT IS SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF!" decal and I laugh and then I invariably think about it...  You know, someone, somewhere actually did that, and when their hand came off, they turned around and probably sued the mower manufacturer claiming "Waaaaaaa!  But YOU didn't warn me that it would hurt if I tried to grab the blade while the mower was running..."

And they WON!  I can tell this because lawn mower manufacturers started putting idiot decals on their products to keep OTHER people from sticking their hands up under the mower while it was running.

I bet you it was someone down in Florida, probably in the same city where they couldn't even figure out how to vote.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

People are sheep.  And they must be told, in the simplest terms possible, EXACTLY what to do, otherwise they are simply lost.

A bumper sticker I'm seriously thinking about marketing...   Let me know if you want one.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I heard a news story the other day about a giant meteor that was seen off the East Coast, from one state to another, a great flaming object in the sky.   People called their police departments, fire departments, and even the armed forces and the government.  Remember, if you see a large flaming object in the sky, CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN!  Chances are he's probably doing nothing better than boffing some 18 year old intern that has been hired by his office ("My God!  Is that my daughter I hear there in the background?!?!  It is?!  Well put her on, please.   I need to speak with her about her grades.") so make your elected officials earn their money for a change.

The best explanation that we have so far for this phenomena is "We think it was a meteor..."  Remember, this object is so bright that it appears in broad daylight as a visible object hurtling across the sky, and the best explanation that the government can give is "We think it was a meteor..."

Don't we have radar to detect objects like this?  I mean, it could have been a meteor, it could have been a Russian nuclear missile, or it could have been a Yugo burning up on reentry, but my point is this: didn't we know that this thing was out there flying, on fire, along the Eastern seaboard long before people started to call, or did it take a bunch of scared constituents tying up the phone lines before the government said "Huh?!  There's a what where?!  Now calm down.  We'll check this out right now."

Later it was reported that the technology that we currently have scanning the skies can't find anything smaller than "10 to 20 meters" in size.   Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't most strategic nuclear MIRVs (Multiple Independent Reentry Vehicles-"warheads") not more than 3 meters long at the largest?  That means that if there were a flight of ten to fifteen Russian MIRVs making reentry, each packing a 25 megaton city-busting nuclear warhead, and each about 3 meters (10 feet) long, we wouldn't even know it until the mushroom clouds started popping up.

Scary thought.  I mean, that is what NORAD and SAC are for, right?

I'm really beginning to understand the logic behind the Pentagon paying $500 for a hammer.

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I went home and took a nap today and for some strange reason, I woke up in a panic, ran outside and shouted "Father!  The sleeper has awakened!"  After the shout faded, I realized I was probably just having a bad David Lynch film flashback.

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A bumper sticker I designed...

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FROM THE "ADS WE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SEE..." FILE

Yeah, I know.  I'm going to burn for this one...

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From the "Another Useless Waste Of Bandwidth And Storage Space On The Internet ..." files...

Well, you just have to go here and see for yourselves why I truly despise NASCAR fans and especially Dale Earnhardt fans in particular...

HTTP://WWW.DEARNHARDT.COM

Let me break down what this lemming is trying to accomplish.   After Dale Earnhardt died, this ghoul went out and registered every single Earnhardt related domain that he could because he saw a chance to make some money off the retarded scoggins that are referred to more commonly as "NASCAR fans".  Now he is trying to out scoggin these scoggins for a nice profit, even though HE doesn't own the first right to the Earnhardt name. 

Let's put the Truth In Advertising(tm) Filter over this and see what we come up with...

ATTENTION: This Domain and 5 others are for immediate sale.

(I need money to pay my trailer note and get some new monster gumbo mudder tires for my El Camino...)

Contact : nrhl@mindspring.com

(the NRHL stands for "NASCAR Redneck Handicapped Lemming", pretty easy to remember, ya'll think? ...)

(Here is a list of all the asinine "Dale Earnhardt" domains this retarded inbred hill scoggin has come up with and registered for sale...  Yeah, pretty damn lame, aren't they?  Apparently, the average Happy Meal(tm) from McDonald's has more mental staying power than this guy can muster up on demand... but let's look at them just for fun, shall we?)

www.theintimidator3.com $200 Firm

www.daletheintimidator.com $200 Firm

www.earnhardtcar3.com $250 Firm

www.earnhardttribute.com $300 Firm

www.dearnhardt.com $400 Firm

www.dalearnhardt3.com $125 Firm

(Now I've done gone and tried every combination of Dale Earnhardt, Intimidator, and the number 3 that I can thinks of.  Dam.  My head is hurting, my beer bottle's about empty and the last swig left is warmer than dog piss on a summer afternoon.  I need another Pabst Blue Ribbon... think I got some in the fridge out back.  I wonder if wrestlin' is on yet or not... while I'm out there I'll turn the antenner and see if I can get old Stone Cold on the Zenith.  Oh, and firm means FIRM dam you!  I ain't going to dick around on these low, low, low prices so don't even try.  I got dam bills to pay, dam you, and three illigimit kids to feed and put clothes on not to mention that I already told yaw that I need a new set of mud grip tires for the El Camino ya cheap skate sumbastiches, so don't even ask!!!)

ALL SIX DOMAINS SOLD TO ONE PERSON IS: $1100 FIRM. ( Save $375 )

(See you don't need to graduate high school to do basic math or get a GED let alone spell it...)

This is NOT an email to send condolences.

(What?!  You think I actually CARE about Earnhardt!  It's all about the money, so unless you have green in hand, don't come crying to me...   This guy is dead and he's still worth a mint and I'm going to make my share off of him, by Gawd!)

Contact us at nrhl@mindspring.com for immediate sale.

(Remember: that's NASCAR Redneck Handicapped Lemming at Mindspring dot com!  Now I can't afford no dam operators to stand by so I'll just sit next to the phone in my old patched up duct tape covered recliner and watch flies get zapped by that electric fly killer I got at K-mart the other day.)

God Bless the Intimidator, you will surely be missed.

(God bless you Dale Earnhardt!  You is going to keep my trailer from getting repossessed, my kids in clothes and buy me some new big gumbo mudder tires for my El Camino!  Saying that helps me sleep better at night knowing that I'm ripping off a dead man and his family for my own personal private profit motives, but hey, us live folks got to eat too, know what I mean?  God bless the Intimidator, you will surely be missed.  And don't you folks miss out on this fantastic deal of a lifetime!  You can have your very own Dale Earnhardt URL and domain for the low, low, low price of just, well, check out the prices yourself and hurry up and call, dam you.  My ass is going to sleep from sitting in this chair waiting on the gawd-dam phone to ring and it be someone other than my half brother Cletus wanting to borry my riding mower again to cut his yard...  Hell, I just put a K&N filter on it and a Flowmaster muffler and there he goes and wants to borrow it after I got it all waxed and shit... )

10% of the amount of the sale will be donated to "Foundation for the Carolinas in Charlotte", which is a foundation that the Earnhardts are asking for donations for.

(Hell, if I sells all of these URLs, I can make like ... uh ... nearly $1500!  That's more money than I seen in a month of Sundays!  Since it only costed me $50 to register each of them there domain names, I'm going to make a killing off of these NASCAR fans!  That dam phone better start ringing soon because I had to go and title pawn the Camino to get the money to buy them domains.  Huh?  Oh, well.  Yeah.  I guess I can afford to give 10% of that to a charity for the Earnhardts... dam there goes the roll bar and the KC lights for the 'Camino...  10% dam you, and not one red penny more!  Hell, if I give away any more I won't be able to get that Warn winch for the front bumper...! )

REMEMBER

10% of the amount of the sale will be donated to "Foundation for the Carolinas in Charlotte", which is a foundation that the Earnhardts are asking for donations for.

Aw, bless that NASCAR Redneck Handicapped Lemming's little bleeding heart for being so damn generous... - BE

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As seen on the front of an office complex yesterday on the way home, scanned in for verification
and for your amusement from the local white pages of my phone book.

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FROM THE "ADS WE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SEE..." FILE

NOW PACKING MORE IMPACT THAN A GM GOODWRENCH MONTE CARLO
HITTING A CONCRETE SAFETY WALL AT 200MPH!

ALTOIDS: THE CURIOUSLY STRONG MINT

NASCAR TESTED.  TIN SURVIVED.  FAN APPROVED.

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My wife, Cindy, called me and asked me how my night was going at the ER.  I told her we had just received a dead adult male, no identification, I told her it was a "John Doe."  She asked how the man had died.  I told her a single vehicle accident on one of the back roads, car caught fire, and he was trapped inside and burnt beyond recognition.

"Oh!  You mean they brought you a 'John Done'?" she asked.

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I guess I've never considered the GEO Storm to be much more than a light drizzle at best.

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From the "We thought you weren't supposed to drink and drive..." file

"In the competitive world of stock-car racing there was only one Intimidator. Dale Earnhardt. Stock-car champion seven times. Winner of more than $30 million in career earnings. The Dale Earnhardt legacy will continue with this world-premier collector tankard from The Franklin Mint. Capturing all the excitement of championship stock-car racing, the custom-designed tankard features a full-color illustration of Dale Earnhardt's awesome Chevrolet Monte Carlo. The handsome cast lid richly accented in 24 karat gold features Dale Earnhardt's signature mark and Number 3 sculptured in high relief. And, the thumb piece is fashioned in the shape of a gear shifter."

Or how truth in advertising would read:

In the competitive world of stock-car racing there was only one Intimidator (but many, many other rednecks with equally dumb nicknames). Dale Earnhardt (also known as "The Intimidator"). Stock-car champion seven times (and still a redneck hill scoggin). Winner of more than $30 million in career earnings (and boy, do we want our fair share of that money!). The Dale Earnhardt legacy will continue with this world-premier collector tankard from The Franklin Mint (Rewritten to read "The Dale Earnhardt legacy will continue to rake in money hand over fist as long as his family continues to prostitute his once great name and allow it to be used for everything from NASCAR toilet paper and tampons to utter crap like this. As long as there are ignorant, six toed hill scoggins who are willing to spend their hard earned blue collar factory line money on the cheapest ass junk that the homo-butt gnomes over at the Franklin Mint can cobble together and pander, then the Dale Earnhardt legacy will never truly go away.  One day, he could even be bigger than Elvis...). Capturing all the excitement of championship stock-car racing (hmmm, how does a German beer stein capture all the excitement of American championship stock car racing?  Does anyone even remotely related to anyone who likes NASCAR actually drink their beer out of something like this?  I thought most NASCAR fans were doing good to slurp their beer out of mason jars or old Hellmann's mayonnaise bottles...), the custom-designed tankard (that's German for 'beer mug', not to be confused with the Exxon Valdez which was a 'tanker') features a full-color illustration of Dale Earnhardt's awesome Chevrolet Monte Carlo (before it hit the wall, after which it didn't look so awesome...). The handsome (handsome!?) cast lid richly accented in 24 karat gold (that makes it a lot more valuable to the average hill scoggin) features Dale Earnhardt's signature mark (his signature makes it even more valuable than the gold...) and Number 3 sculptured in high relief ("High Relief" means it has raised edges that will leave a nice imprint upside another scoggin's head when you hit them with it during your heated barroom debate over who the greatest NASCAR driver ever was and whether or not the number "3" should be retired by NASCAR and never used again...). And, the thumb piece is fashioned in the shape of a gear shifter (for when you have to shift gears drinking beer, I guess...)

Remember kids, don't drink and drive.  You might hit a safety wall at 200mph and spill your drink ...

Now really, how MANY NASCAR fans do you know of who are civilized or cultured enough to drink their beer out of a tankard?  I mean, these people are doing good to figure out a pop-top and a ice chest lid.  But you would expect that from someone who thinks going around in a big circle is 'racing'.  If you own one of these tankards, or you are planning on ordering one, please realize that you are an utter hill scoggin and your scrote-sack should be removed with a pair of rusty old hedge clippers before you can contaminate the rest of the gene pool with your stale, inbred seed.

You scoggins could save a lot of money if you just bought a Earnhardt sticker out of one of those vending machines at the convenience store, took a Hellmann's mayonnaise jar, cleaned it out, spray painted it black, put the sticker on the outside of the jar, took a red magic marker, and drew a big number "3" on the other side and used that instead.  I think your total expenditure would be about $4.38, adjusted for inflation.  You poorer scoggins could use a Miracle Whip(tm) jar instead and the really, really poor scoggins will just have to make do with something suitable from the BAMA line of products...

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I was going to work the other morning, and had to stop at a four way stop sign in a residential area.  It was a pleasant morning, so I had the driver's window down and the sunroof back.  I looked over casually out the driver's side window and saw something that made my eyeballs dry up in their sockets.   There was this obese older white man walking out to get the paper off of his sidewalk.  Think Marlon Brando in a black speedo, lots of gold rings on his fingers, with brown dress shoes on, brown dress socks, and those ridiculous little male leg suspenders that hold up the socks.  And that was IT!  My mouth dropped open for a second before I shouted at the top of my lungs:

"Arrrgh!  Oh!  Hey!  Don't!   Man!  I mean, MAN!  Get a robe on or something!  I did NOT need to SEE THAT this MORNING!"

He looked up just as I turned back around and drove off shaking my head.  He waved the paper at me and then started to turn around to go back in the house but I averted my eyes at the last second.  I'm glad I didn't get to see the rear view of that!  I think the words "Thong on a hippo" should do the trick for you all.

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Well, I was pulling security duty at the local ER last night when it got kind of slow.  We all gathered together in the nurses station and started talking about whatever.  Whatever soon came to the subject of tattoos and how liquor is probably the number one cause of people getting tattoos.   This was then followed smartly by a discussion of the various types of good liquors and then on to mixed drinks.  Here's how the conversation came to a screeching halt followed by a long, uncomfortable silence:

Charles:  "My drink was always vodka.   I knew how to mix a wicked orange screwdriver.  Anyone here ever had a 'Slow Screw'?"

Itonya:  "They always have funny names for those drinks...  What about "Sex on the Beach?", that's a good drink.  I love those!"

Mikey:  "Or a "Naked Lady", that's a drink that will knock you down quick!"

Charles: "Man!  There is this drink that my friend ordered one time, it was called a "Screaming Orgasm"!"

Suzi:  "I've never had a Screaming Orgasm before!  Are those any good?"

Uncomfortable silence inserted here...

(yes, the names have been changed to protect the guilty...)

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I've come to the conclusion that if you've heard one Thin Lizzy song, you pretty much have heard them all...

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Well, was going through the junk snail mail the other day and found one of those new AOL CDs in the DVD box.  This was the label on the back.

I'm told it is a automatic generator which gives you these passwords.

I think I would get another generator program, but then again, AOL stands for Alot Of Losers, and anyone who uses AOL is a sheep.  If you can't figure out a local ISP then ...

"Bendy-Cough", wasn't he a Russian Cosmonaut back in the '60's?

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From the "People are sheep!" files...

TODAY'S CHILLING QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism, but under the name of liberalism they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program until one day America will be a socialist nation without ever knowing how it happened." --Norman Thomas, six-time Socialist Party presidential candidate and one of the founders of the ACLU.

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OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure on the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the dreaded "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally a woman who was stupid enough not to realize that coffee is hot and was awarded a huge payout caused Common Sense to finally throw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, bicycle helmets and mandatory air bags.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his sons, Reason and Justice.

He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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Walked into the local Chevron (in)convenience store today past the end of isle 4 junk-crap display.  There among the various "We miss you, Big Guy!" Daryl Earnhardt crap (it was crap when he was alive, it's just more expensive crap now that he's dead), 'Magic Boy' dolls (a obvious rip off of Harry Potter), Magic Boy glasses (again...), temporary tattoos, diecast images of the Ford BIGFOOT monster truck, and various crystals, etc. was this little gem...

I had to stop in my tracks and just stare at this trinket.   Yes, it is lip balm in a little plastic toilet on a keychain.  It is sold under the "POTTY MOUTH" label, and you can find the company that makes this crap at www.noveltyinc.com.  Now, come on, who would be such a moron as to buy lip balm in a little plastic toilet where you have to lift up the seat to get to the balm?  Now I know where they got the name "Chap-Stick" from...

Call me different and I don't know about you, but instinct and conditioned behavior just says that you don't spread ANYTHING that comes out of a toilet on your lips and around your mouth...

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Professional Wrestling- really bad soap opera for men.

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Damn!  I figured it out!

Grimace was like the advanced prototype for Barney!

Barney must be the G1000!

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I was at the PD the other day checking on some paperwork when I stopped by the dispatch office.  The TV up in the corner was on one of those movie channels and "TITANIC" was being shown.  It was the scene where the musicians were playing on the deck of the  ship as the ship was sinking.

"Why the HELL don't they get in the lifeboats?!" the dispatcher asked, looking at me and pointing at the screen.

"Now, now..." I said softly.   "Remember!  There's always room for cello!"

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Separated at birth?  You be the judge! 

Clowns are evil.  Especially ones that come back from the dead.
Especially ones that wear spandex and try to wrestle you.
Wrestling clowns are the evilest... especially when they won't die.

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Here's an interesting dark thought...

What do you call a person who graduates LAST in their class at medical school?

Doctor.

Think about it.  Yeah, scary.

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And while we are on the subject of 'doctors'... this via email and it was so good, I thought it was worthy of a 'dark thought' placement.

Statistics:

Number of physicians in the US:          700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year:          120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician....     0.171

(Information courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US:          80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups)          1,500.

Accidental deaths per gun owner:          0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

FACT:

Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this  gets out of hand.  Notify your nearest stupid liberal in power (SLIP) of this newest threat to civilization as we know it...

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From the "Really, Really Sucky Ways To DIE!" file... (local accident)

FLYING MOWER BLADE SHATTERS WINDSHIELD, KILLS ARK. WOMAN DRIVING FAMILY TO VACATION

Freak accident occurs on I-55; several passengers treated at hospital- by Marlo Rossilli

A Brinkley, Ark., woman on her way to a Florida vacation died on I-55 Monday when a flying bush hog blade shattered her windshield and severed her spine, officials say.

Culpepper would not comment further while his insurance agency is investigating the accident.

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Well, I get some strange email on occasion, and here is the latest run.  Someone thought that GOINGFASTER.COM was a weapons warehouse or would be interested in buying ex-Soviet bloc junk.  Enjoy.  I am so very evil sometimes, but then I have little patience for idiots...

Dear Sirs,

Hema Makina A.S.operates as the marketing, sales and research company for industrial activities of the group. Hema Makina A.S. represents some major international manufacturers. These manufacturers and their products include; automatic transmissions of Allison Transmissions Co., diesel engines of Detroit Diesel Co. for military applications, defense products and their related production facilities of F.N. Herstal Co., hunting and leisure products of Browning S.A. and Winchester S.A., air divisions of Moravan Co. from Czech Republic.

Also, our group of companies has a well-documented record in Turkish Defense Industry. Thanks to our long and successful experience in this sector, we have established close contacts with defense procurement authorities.

Kindly be informed that Turkish Gendarmerie Forces has announced a tender for procurement some spare parts of 5,56 mm G 41 Rifle,Dragunov, 92 FS Baretta, 5,56 mm M16 A2 Rifle. If you are interested in this tender we can provide you with the technical and administrative specifications ASAP. We can cooperate on this tender as one case, later we can create more opportunities to improve our strategy for the future projects.

We are also awaiting your comments which way we shall fallow to supply these 5,56 mm G 41 Rifle, Dragunov, 92 FS Baretta, 5,56 mm M16 A2 Rifle Spare Parts,As you know Turkey is of a big potential for these rifles and their spare parts but unfortunately we are not sure if you are being informed about the latest developments on that market by your representative if you already have here in Turkey.

Also we can discuss about the future projects and the facilities of cooperation in Turkish market at the earliest convenience. Please also send us your catalogue and brochures.

We would be pleased to co-operate with you in with this or other future projects. Please do not hesitate to contact us for project details.

For more information about our company and its area of working and the relations with Turkish Defense Ministry authorities you can visit our web site at www.hema.com

We are looking forward to hearing you soon.

Thanks in advance and best regards,

Z.Özgür ÖZTÜRK
Sales Manager
ozturko@hema-makina.com.tr
HEMA Makina A.S.
Filistin Sok. 43 GOP - ANKARA
TURKEY
Tlf: + 90 312 446 77 03
Fax:+90 312 446 77 45

...........................................................

Well, it had been a long day, and I just decided to have some fun so I replied with this…

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your offer but I’m afraid that right now I am up to my eyeballs in spare 5.56mm parts and 5.56mm SLAP (Sabot Light Armor Piercing) ammo. I’m also overstocked on Olin 20mm and 23mm HE, HEAP, KEAP, and KEAPER ammunition. We recently acquired twenty metric tons of ex-Soviet bloc tungsten carbide sabot encased penetrators for $0.02 USD on the US dollar, quite a bargain, especially since the material was marked as ‘scrap’ and sold as such but I assure you that the quality of the ammunition is superior.

Are you planning on stocking and shipping nano-technology within the next six months. We are currently filling our warehouses with the basics and more advanced surplus from the United States MAP (Man Amplification Program) is arriving next week. Cybionic prosthetics and ocular replacements are already in stock and we have good supplies of the televisual as well as HRIR implants. If you are planning to carry nano-technology in the next six months as well, maybe a partnership could be formed. Nano is the next big thing in military technology for this century, and anyone not selling nano by this time next year will instead find themselves selling fruit and flowers from a push cart in some undeveloped third world country.

Would you by chance have any Type IV Model 12 reflux regulators for the nuclear power cell as installed on the limited production run of model year 2000 Cadillac Gage M4C "modular" main battle tanks? I’m in need of twelve of these (I have an impatient client in the Middle East) if you can find them for me, but they must be the type with the magnetic semi-permeable sphincter that oscillates at 45mHz per second, otherwise you are simply wasting my (and my clients) time.  If I can't find any of the T4M12R regulators, then my technicians are going to have to yank out the nuclear power cells and install the more complicated 1200bhp gas turbines.  If you can't locate these for me, that is fine.  I have three other companies looking for them as well.  The supplier went out of business and the spares were bought up by the US government before I ever got a chance to stake a bid.

I also need 15 cases of Ibutaprophonol, in the 30cc individual styrettes. I prefer the orange flavor with the hint of cinnamon but I’ll take raspberry if you don’t have anything else. I predict a Pakistani push this winter using the new Ferovirus IV aerosols and I want to corner the market on having the only antidote to this new chemical weapon system.  I have 20 cases now, but an extra 15 cases won't hurt, just in case.  I already have shipped forty cases to India, and they are asking for 35 more.

Looking forward to any information you can give me regarding these items and thank you for your time in this matter.

Best regards,

Christopher T. Shields

Owner, GOINGFASTER, LTD.
International Small Arms and Chia Pet Distributor

"Peace sells,  but who's buying?"

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Ever wonder....

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece for those bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards! NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are called the "Bucs", what does one call the Tennessee Titans?

If, according to most major commercials, 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Wow!  A Cajun snack vending machine!

Yes, folks, it is a LIVE BAIT vending machine.
Insert your money and make your selections for minners, crickets, wurms, and other fishin' bait.

For the redneck on the go with a pocket full of change and no sense.

Found this little beauty at the Chevron in Wiggins, MS. just off US Highway 49 South.

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This is what happens when Muppets go bad...

Let's give it up for SUPERGREG. 

He's the SUPER DAVE OSBOURNE of Indo-British quasi-(c)rap...

Check out his site for a good, deep laugh.

Yes, he's serious.

I love the jogging suit and the monobrow.  He looks like Bert on crack.
I wonder if Ernie still lives with him or not.

"This is my home site for all home boys and home chicks, giving U a flava of the Super Greg Concept.  If U have a problem with it or think U can do it better, it's your problem (not mine).  Sorry if I sound a little upset in the beginning of this site, but I can promise U the rest of the site is a lot nicer. Stay fresh!" - Love, Super Greg

Another Muppet gone bad...   Terribly, horribly bad.

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Happy 4th of July!!!

No, it's not Evel Knieval...  It's the Wheelie-ing Elvises (or is that Elvi) prepare to roll during the Arlington, TX, Fourth of July parade.   Well, at least you have a benchmark now to judge if you are weird or not.  If your life is better than this, then chances are, you don't need chemical therapy.

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From the "Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction" files...

July 4th, 2001  MINISTER KILLED DURING LONG POLICE STANDOFF...

LYNNPORT, Pa.- Police shot and killed a minister dressed as a ninja Wednesday after an extended stand off that began when they tried to take him to a mental hospital.

State police said the Rev. Robert W. Furler, 44, had leveled a gun at a trooper outside his home just before the office killed him before dawn. They said he was carrying two semi-automatic pistols, a long-barreled shotgun, and a sword.

Furler was a former Lutheran minister who had recently started his own congregation, the Christ Our Refuge Church. It was not immediately clear why officers were trying to put him in a mental hospital. State police Capt. Theodore Kohuth said the shooting was justified. He did not release the name of the trooper who shot Furler and said there would be an investigation.

-AP Wire news story from July 5th edition of the Hattiesburg American, page 4, upper right corner.

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Well, another X10 camera ad that needs no explanation.

______________________________________________________________________________________

"GATORADE: IS IT IN YOU?"

Apparently, the new slogan for Gatorade(tm) would be better advertised as:

"GATORADE: IS IT ON YOU?"

It's sad when you have to use MS Paint to draw your product dripping down some model's face.
What is this, a sports drink or a advertisement for an amateur facial fetish site?!

And just what in the hell is this girl doing ...

That new "PROPEL" flavored sports water must be good stuff!

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Gimp told me that he saw a bumper sticker today that almost made him wreck his car.  This is what it said:

"SO, WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?"

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Okay.  I found this link and it just really plain outright disturbed me.

Here is their 'mission statement':

"We believe God created the cosmos, and planet earth as a beautiful habitation for mankind. We believe man, God's special creation, was given dominion over the earth, to partake of, and govern all its resources wisely. We further believe that the art of hunting with bow and arrow is a time proven means of human survival and resource management and that it is in harmony with the divine plan."

Now I'm a Christian, but this is way 'over thar' on the Far Side for associations.  No, its not a joke.  Yes, it is real.  I think that too many people try to attach God to too much in this life.   What next?  Civil War Reinactivists for Christ?  Whale Hunters for Christ?  Christian Seal Clubbers of America?  Where does it end? 

Mark Longmire sent this via email:  " 'Awaiting His Arrival Archers'?  Sounds like an ambush to me..."

It's a trap!  Run, Lord!  Run!

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Sigh.

I saw this intelligence statement in the back window of a older model Mustang GT on the way to work this morning.  If you have this decal displayed anywhere on your vehicle, or you constantly use the letter 'Z' to replace the letter 'S' in your vocabulary (and if you are prone to wearing your clothes backwards...), please report to the nearest public access personal suicide booth immediately.  We will forgo the normal $0.25 surcharge for the service in your case.

Just one more way to tell if a person is a total retard or not.   Check to see if they start to spell words and speak using the letter "Z" instead of the letter "S".  I mean, shouldn't it really say "BAD AZZ BOYZ DRIVE BAD AZZ TOYZ".  Only a total azz clown would ever put something like this on their vehicle.

Suicide booths are standing by for your convenience.

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ATTENTION CARD CARRYING NRA MEMBERS!  This just in!   HUNTER DAN(tm) ACTION FIGURES!  That's right!  Give your liberal friend's kids the gift that will piss their parents off!  Give them HUNTER DAN(tm)!

Jeff, Cindy and I went to High Dollar Sports, sorry, Big Buck Sports in Hattiesburg yesterday to look at lots of guns, you know, the kind that make liberals go crazy, lots of bullets in each magazine and really big openings in the end where the hurty stuff comes screaming out of.   I'm pretty happy with my choice of firearms but Jeff likes to trade a bunch, he goes through guns like he goes through women.  I'm just the opposite, I find one I like and stick with it.  Women that is.  I try not to form any romantic attachments to inanimate objects.

Well, while Jeff was trying out a variety of automatics, Cindy and I wandered around the store and what did we come upon but a big display of this...

That's right!  These are realistic hunting action figures!  Yes, they are real.  Here is the description of one of the figures from the site.

Create your own hunting scenarios! Imagine the Dogwood trees are in full bloom and the sun is just beginning to peek over the horizon as HUNTER DAN® owl hoots and awaits that first thunderous gobble of the morning. Maybe this will be the day that the sweet notes from HUNTER DAN's® M.A.D. box call will lure in "BOSS TOM" (not included). Help guide HUNTER DAN® as he sets up on ol' "Boss" in hopes of calling in the mighty warrior in full strut.

This 8" poseable figure comes with the following:
Mossy Oak Break-Up shirt and pants
Authentic hunting boots
Remington 11/87 shotgun
Turkey hunting vest w/padded seat
M.A.D. "Hammer" Box Call
Binoculars
Outlaw silhouette decoys w/ mesh bag

Also, apparently, the dog is not included, but will sit you back an additional $4.99 for a plastic dog that just sits there with a duck in its mouth.  I mean, I could understand five bucks for a dog figure with articulated legs and head, a tail you could position, and a duck that would fit in its mouth or out, but $5 for a non-moveable dog figure?!  What the... oh, wait.  I forgot the target market for this toy line.  Sorry.

Really, go to Hunter Dan's website and you too can order the most politically incorrect toys that ever made a card carrying member of the NRA smile and a liberal turn livid.  Make sure you order the wild turkey and the 'Old Wooden Bridge 10 point buck' enemy deer action figures (otherwise, Hunter Dan will just have to go in the woods and shoot at other Hunter Dan(tm) action figures.  That is, until the 4" taller and much better armed Hasbro GI Joe action figures show up on the scene and whip Hunter Dan's(tm) ass like he was an Iraqi soldier and it was February 1991 all over again ...)

So, if you have an annoying liberal friend with kids, be sure to stock up on these great deals for the perfect birthday and Christmas presents.  Nothing rubs it in better than giving a liberal's kid a bone-ified realistic huntin' action figure!  Junior NRA membership kit sold separately.

I don't know... Jeff, Cindy and I all thought that HUNTER DAN(tm) looked very familiar.  We just couldn't place who they might have used as a model for this action figure toy.  Oh well, I'm sure it will come to us eventually...

You be the judge!

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You've seen them, you hate them.  Those annoying "Calvin" decals which show him urinating on something or the other.  Like the artist ever intended for his cartoon to be used in that way.  Nothing says 'redneck' or 'loser' faster than a 'Calvin wizzing on something' decal in the window of your vehicle.

Well, Gimp and I were in a (in)convenience store the other day getting some snacks for the office.  Near the register was a turn-rack with a bunch of those cheap-ass window decals on them, you know the "REDNECK" and other type decals.   One of them was a decal of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame) praying before a cross.  The caption read:

I about lost it I was laughing so hard!  That is just great!   I loved it!

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And speaking of window decals...  Today's "HOW TO MAKE A MORON WEBSITE" AWARD goes to

QUICK'S

Makers of fine vinyl decals and home to one of the trashiest looking cootchy mammas around.

My but she has big, manly hands!

"I show guys how to apply vinyl decals to your car or truck."

... and I bet you probably show guys a whole lot more, don't you, Peaches?  Damn this is just sad.  No, it is pathetic.  I really love the legs spread with the cheap-ass cowboy boots look.  Are you trying to show us how to put on vinyl decals on our vehicles, or trying out that amateur X10 home porn camera on your laptop (see below)?  By the quality of the pictures, I'd say the latter.   Get this girl a PBR and make sure you install her a cup holder in the bed of the truck so she has a place to set her drink!  That last picture just screams "knows how to please a man and gets drunk at economical speed."

How in the world do I run across this stuff?  The internet is one big exercise in stupidity, I mean, they really should idiot-check sites before they ever get the ability to come online.  I was surfing to find one of those "Pissing Calvin" decals that every redneck and wannabe has plastered to the back of their vehicles for my story above when I found this site, QUICK'S,  that sold custom decals.   Along the information headers were two URLs which read "Guy Install" and a "Girl Install".  Did this company really need two install pages, a 'guy' and a 'girl' install page?  Why not just a simple 'How to Install Your Vinyl Decal' type page?  But being the curious sort, I clicked on the "guy install" and this is what assaulted my intelligence.  Amid badly focused pictures of what is supposed to be some trailer park queen, we get some really basic how to peel and stick a decal to your window type tech article, stuff that anyone past a third grade education already knew...  and of course, they pick a girl with no bra, no panties, a skimpy shirt, a tattoo on her shoulder blade, and daisy dukes to do the presentation when a simple "Step 1-2-3" would have done just as well.    You would think that if they were going to try to pass this chick off as halfway attractive, or if you were going to take their services and product seriously, that they would at least get a GOOD digital camera to take the pictures.  If you look at the second to last picture on this page, well, she just has some manly hands which is scary.

Before you go there, I think the guys get it far better than the girls.  If you are a female, and you click on 'girl install', check out the homey that tells all you ladies how to install your decals.  Yeah, sexy, isn't he?   We're talking Chippendales material for sure.  The fact that if you go to the 'Girl Install' which is guess is either for homos or for women.  The "Girl Install" has the typical rice boy looking freakazoid with the current trendy sunglasses and the baseball cap on backwards (which signifies that he is a total retard).  Ladies, you may scoff at the trailer park queen pictured above, but for you, we reserved this beautiful example of a White Boy Gone All Wrong(tm).

"I’ll be glad give you girls out there instructions on how to install your vinyl decals."  

Ladies, I think you got gypped on the model that they chose to 'cater' to your womanly desires... but that's just my opinion.  Neither one is ever going to be on the front of Cosmo or GQ for that matter, that's for sure.  Oh!  Check out these instructions written with the total idiot in mind:

"You will need a few items for applying the letters ...    ... A piece of hard plastic, we call a "squeegee", or  a plastic putty knife will work fine."

Well, I'm glad that you made that clear.  I wouldn't have known what a "squeegee" was if you hadn't told me, Poindexter.  Besides the lack of spell checking and grammar checking, the horrendously bad instructions then just kind of get ... well, down right naughty in parts.  Are we trying to teach someone how to install vinyl lettering on their vehicle or trying to teach them how to get laid for the first time?!  You be the judge!

"Why don't we take a look at it together."

"Before applying, flatten it out in a warm room."

"This is only if you want to do a wet application."

"Wait for a nice day."

"Patience, good preparation, a steady hand, and good weather will produce the best results."

"First Clean the surface until it is free of dirt and grease."

"Place it where you think it should go. Go ahead!  You can always move it if you don't like the position."

"Stand back and take a moment to look at its position.  If you have a good eye you can see if it looks correct or straight.   If not, measure it again and again if need be. This is the most important part so get the measurement and placement as accurate as possible."

"You can do this next process “wet” or ”dry”.  We think dry is best."

"Don’t over wet"

"ALWAYS work from the center toward the edges! Do this to avoid trapping air or water bubbles."

"Finish off the other half the same way (from the center to the edges, then from the middle to the top and bottom)."

Man, there goes a few more brain cells lost to the perils of surfing... 

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OH MY GOD!  And now, from the "People really are sheep..." files...

Gibson Dale Earnhardt "The Intimidator" Les Paul

"Sometimes you just gotta strap in, rev up, and lay a little rubber. This nitro-burning road warrior will blow ‘em right off the track. It’s adorned by the artwork of motorsports artist, Sam Bass, the first officially licensed artist of NASCAR, and features the Goodwrench Plus Chevrolet Monte Carlo Earnhardt has been driving all season. The back has a drawing of Dale himself, looking cool. The top features a full-face, riveted-on metal pickguard and chrome lug nut volume and tone knobs. The Simpson racing harness strap is secured with authentic hood pin strap locks (complete with cotter pins).

The paint is an iridescent deep metal flake Anniversary Silver, and the mahogany body resonates beautifully with the set mahogany 24-3/4" neck. The ebony fingerboard is set with jumbo frets and inlaid with "The Intimidator." The headstock features a "Gibson" inlay and "3" decal on the front with a serial number plate and "GM Goodwrench Service Plus Racing" decal on the back. If you’re the kind of player who can’t decide whether you’d rather be racing or rocking, this fully blown, dual humbuckered speed machine might just need to find its way into your collection. The fact that it’s one of only 333 made means it will certainly grow in value. Comes with TKL custom hardshell case, certificate of authenticity, strap, and three Dale Earnhardt picks."

For just $3500, this piece of crap too, can be yours!  Nothing would say "I'm a stupid commercial driven trend humping NASCAR following redneck lemming." better than having a Dale Earnhardt gee-tar in your living room.  Not kidding, this thing is REAL!  Here is the link...

Gibson Dale Earnhardt "The Intimidator" Les Paul Guitar

I think Mark Longmire said it best:  "A Dale Earnhardt commemorative guitar? Oh, you've got to be kidding. Will this NASCAR devotion ever end? I guess the first thing to do, immediately for safety reasons, with this guitar is to replace the strap that comes with it."

Thanks go to Gimp for finding this waste of an otherwise perfectly good Les Paul guitar.

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There is a guy who lives down the road from me.  I've seen his big old Chevy 4x4 around, but never noticed that he had a new personalized tag on it.  His tag reads 1IDWILY or "One Eyed Willy" as in "One Eyed Willy The Wonder Snake".

I about wrecked my Blazer when I saw his tag in front of me.  The stuff they let you get away with at the tag office...

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I was in Wal-Mart the other day (I know...) getting some house hold supplies when I heard someone use a word that I've always heard but never fully or truly understood.  The word was "She-Bang", as in "Well, that was the end of that she-bang, I tell you what!".  I had to stop for a second and think about that one.  Now, when you're dressed like the leading design engineer for Harley Davidson at their Milwaukee production plant (dirty overalls, sweat stained white T-shirt, rubber fishing boots with the overalls tucked down into them, Harley Davidson baseball cap, chewin' backy in your cheek, 'backy pouch hanging out your back pocket of your overalls, wallet on a chain, half full Mountain Dew plastic bottle used as a spit receptacle, etc.) and you say something really loud in Wal-Mart, something like...

"Well, that was the end of that she-bang, I tell you what!"

You kind of have to wonder if the poor woman survived this so called 'she-bang'.  Is this some sort of primitive rural initiation into manhood, or some sort of weird redneck mating ritual?  I don't know... but I'm sure that some bleeding heart sociologist has done a study on it somewhere and probably used good tax payer's hard earned money in a government grant to do so.

I've heard this term all through my life but never really wondered what it really meant, not until I heard this three tooth hill scoggin use it in this manner and tone of voice.  You know, right after he said this, I swear I heard those dueling banjos from DELIVERANCE start mournfully playing off in the distance.

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While Gimp and I were eating the other day, we saw a farmer in old dirty overalls with a John Deere cap on talking on a cell phone a few tables away from us.   He was pretty loud with his conversation which seemed to be with a person of equal mentality and was filled with lots of ignorant quotes and quaintisms.  He signed off with the usual farmer 'howdy-good-bye' type saying and made a great effort of using his index finger from one hand to stab to death the off button of the phone held in his other hand.

"This thing picks up real good!" he said when he put the cell phone away in the front pocket of his overalls.

Right, Elmer Fudd.  It was obviously a moment when low education and high technology collided in an ugly train wreck of dissociative karma that clearly left no survivors at the scene of the accident.

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Well, I was checking my email on NetAddress and as I logged off, I managed to stop myself and hit the back key before the session was terminated.  I had seen ... something ... out of the corner of my eye and the bad spirits were pointing and screaming at me to go back like a pack of four year old ill-mannered urchins on a long summer vacation trip and you just drove past McDonald's with a playground out front.   What grabbed my attention was the link with the title "MATRIMONIAL LINK- Join the Indian Premier Matrimonial Link".  Well, I'm part cat (I always land on my feet...) curiosity got the better of me and, well, I followed the link to:

THE INDIAN PREMIER MATRIMONIAL SITE

Yes, it does exist.  Yes, it is real.  Man!  This is GREAT entertainment!  A Hindu / Sunni / Muslim personals site!  Bwahahahha!   Go to the "women", look at "women with pictures", and get ready for some laughs.  Some of them are not too bad looking (sure beats those mail order brides in the back of SOLDIER OF FORTUNE magazine) but the text and description included with some was just beyond hilarious!  I think I got to the second page of photos and found one labeled "GENERIC PERSON".  Oh, I had to go and read about this woman, so here, under her profile, is the reason why she...

Yikes!  Hope you like a BIG family!  Here are some other good lines from the "Wants to get married because:" area of the form for each woman.

And the list of their attributes ranges from religious views to diet.  Here's one I couldn't pass up.  Sorry.

Well, I'm not touching THAT statement.  Nope.  It's just too obvious a pun waiting to happen.  However, all is not lost.  Some of the women are quite attractive, such as this "Jutt Punjabi female living in Canada."   Rowwwwr!  She's 32 years old, divorced with children, but...

Now there is a reason to go out and fetch you an online ordered mate if ever there was one.  Enjoy, you'll have hours of entertainment on this site, and who knows, some of you one-handed dweeb surfers out there might just get lucky and land a "Jasmine" look-alike.

Scary the things I find online.

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Have you ever wondered about the concept of racing stripes on pickup trucks?  I have... and only one question comes to mind.  "Why?"

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Gimp and I went to the local Wards for lunch, it's a burger and dog shop for those who don't know, and I think it's pretty much a Southern thing.   Well, there is a 6 foot and some odd inch brunette behind the counter.  I've offered to buy Gimp lunch today since he's spending his money on other things (like bills).  I give the girl my order and tell her that Gimp and I are together.   She rings up my order and gives me a total, punching the drawer open.

"We're together." I say, motioning from myself to Gimp and back.  "It's on the same ticket.  For here."

She looks at me like she's trying out for the sitcom "FRIENDS".  I don't care, I mean, take my money, give me change back, then ring Gimp up separate.  It does NOT make a difference.  Apparently, though, to her it did.  Leaving the cash drawer open (she must have felt safe with me wearing my badge and sidearm standing in front of her across the counter...), she takes Gimp's order and then has to use a pencil on the ticket to do some quick 'rithmatic to get the total right.  Couldn't she have just said "Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you when you said it was all on one ticket...", taken my money, given me change, and then rang up his order.  I pay her, she gives me back change from memory, I don't count it, it's close enough for government work or a high school only education so I accept it.  She slams the cash drawer shut and stomps off to get our order.

Gimp and I step down to the far end of the counter to await our food.  The girl fills up Gimp's rootbeer, slaps the lid on the wax cup, slams it down on the counter, and slides it across to Gimp like it was a country western bar.  It slides to a stop, rootbeer foam coming out of the sides and top of the lid.   I'm wearing khaki dress pants, if she had slid / pushed that cup along the counter anymore faster or harder, I'd be wearing rootbeer across my groin.  I stare at the cup that is about two inches from falling off the counter and splashing across the front of my Dockers(tm).  I look up at her as she starts to do the same thing with my cup of tea.

"Hey, Peaches..." I mutter.  "This isn't COYOTE UGLY."

She just stares at me, puts the tea down gently, and stomps off again.  Gimp starts busting out laughing and the girl turns to look at us again, fuming.  She puts our food in a bag, cramming it down, and then kind of just drops the bag on the counter in front of us.  If you eat in, you get a tray to put your food on, if you want it to go, you get a bag.  I think back... yes, I did tell her that the order was 'for here.'  She must have been having a bad day...  I thank her, tell her to have a nice day, and we turn to find a table to sit at.

The "Peaches" comment probably didn't help her attitude much either, but man, it sure did make me feel better.

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Explain THIS to me.  Please.
(seen at a McDonald's in Gulfport, MS)

And these people used to have part of their menu that said
"Please ask to see our Braille menus."
Think about it.

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I saw perhaps the greatest piece of redneck engineering today... it was a Ford Ranger with one of those plastic bed liners.  The owner had screwed into place two of those plastic drink holders (like you hang on the side of your door inside) to the rear of the bed liner, behind the cab.  Now that, folks, is a party truck!  Even the people riding in the bed have a place to put their Pabst Blue Ribbons when they go mud-bogging.

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Gimp and I were sitting in the traffic light at the intersection and the Lincoln Towncar next to us had a elderly couple in it.  The old man was driving and we watched with loudly verbalized horror as this man blew the contents of his nose into what appeared to be a towel from Holiday Inn and then proceeded to review the contents of his nasal discharge, holding it up so that even people on the Mir space station could view it.  Gimp and I emitted a plethora of ghastly wails:

"I really didn't need to see THAT!!"

and

"Dear GOD!  He didn't just do that and then hold it up to look at it, did he?!"

The old codger then starts to dig in his ear with his finger, quite feverishly, going from index finger to pinky.  After this provides apparently NO relief, he takes the toothpick out of his mouth that he's been chomping on and starts to use that to excavate his ear canal.  Gimp and I are staring at this guy in abject horror as he removes the toothpick from his ear, scrutinizes whatever it is that he has impaled on it, flicks this stuff off with his other hand and finger, then STICKS THE TOOTHPICK BACK IN HIS MOUTH!  Mercifully the light turned green and amid spastic jerks from Gimp and I followed by more screaming and denial at the top of our lungs, we headed back to the office.

I really, and I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT!!!

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I saw a minivan and a station wagon today, each had one of those I'm-such-a-wannabe-poser "NO FEAR" decals on the rear window.  I got a chuckle out of that, I mean, "NO FEAR" and they're driving a minivan and a station wagon.  Who's going to believe that, right?

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Well, my coworker and I went to McDonald's for lunch today and were once again reminded that the quest for the Almighty Dollar takes precedence over common sense any day.  As you may know, the new movie "ATLANTIS" is being sponsored by McDonald's who can't wait for your screaming kids to use their shrill voices to beg for one of the cheap ass toys offered as a tie-in with the movie marketing. Lunch today just proved my theory all over again when I looked at the piece of paper that was used to line my serving tray.  There was the usual spill about the movie and McDonald's, etc. and the marketing caption read:

"DISCOVER TWO WORLDS: ONE OF TASTE.   ONE OF MYSTERY."

Now, I personally don't think that the words "DISCOVER", "TASTE", and "MYSTERY" need to be used in the same advertising context.

Hmmm!?  What is this MYSTERY TASTE that I have DISCOVERED?   I thought maybe we were finally going to learn the real ingredients of McNuggets or the atomic weight for that thick milky material that they pass off as a chocolate shake.

Mark Longmire also reminded me that Pizza Hut had a similar problem a while ago with one of their new cheese filled pizzas when they ran the marketing caption:

"We're putting cheese in places you never imagined."

... or words to that effect.   Yikes!  That just isn't even pleasant to think about.  How do these bloopers ever get through marketing unless there are idiots at the helm as well?

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Well, where have I been for the last year or so?   I didn't even know that Toyota was coming out with a new SUV, let alone going to call it the 'Highlander".  I guess they had pretty much used up all the possible connotations of the word "runner" with 4-Runner, Pre-Runner, etc.  and I guess 'Low Runner" wouldn't sell many units either, so they opted to call it the "Highlander".

Here is what Toyota says about their new SUV:   "The new Toyota Highlander. An unexpected bit of comfort in the rugged world of the SUV. Breaking new ground is nothing new to Toyota, but this time around, we've built a vehicle that boldly redefines everything you've come to expect from a sport utility vehicle. Highlander gives you uncommon comfort and unparalleled smoothness in an unmistakable form. It's designed for those drivers who crave the versatility and space of an SUV, but aren't willing to sacrifice a refined, comfortable ride. With exceptionally smooth handling, clean, unique styling and a spacious interior, Highlander is the civilized ride you've been looking for."

All I could think of when I saw my first ever Highlander drive past today is Christopher Lambert sneering and saying "There can be only one!"

If you ever see two Toyota Highlanders in traffic together, RUN! There is probably fixing to be some really intense fighting and afterwards, after one Toyota Highlander is triumphant, really funky lightning will dance around it, lifting it off the ground as its horn blows and lights flash.

I wonder if Toyota dealers are telling the new Highlander owners about "The Gathering"?  Naw, probably not.  Their sales would probably fall off if the new buyers knew that in the end, there could be only one Highlander left driving in this world.

DMR emailed me to remind me of the advertising slogan for JEEP- "There is only one."  Yikes!  I had completely forgotten about THAT!   Thanks, man!  Can you see the major cataclysmic SUV battle unfurling here folks?  It's the Final Countdown and the Final Conflict between SUV owners where only the 4x4s will prevail.  It is going to be the 'mother of all battles' that is only going to leave burning Yugos and Hyundais on the highways of America and across the surface of the globe...

Remember, Nostradamus warned you to have a 4x4 by Y2K, oh ye fools!

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The wrong thing to hear when you walk into your local neighborhood Wal-Mart.

Store greeter to little girl with her mother:  "Hey little lady!  Would you like me to give you the smiley stick?"

WTF?  I guess it was some kind of kids promotion, candy or a school ruler or something, I didn't stop long enough to find out because I didn't want to be asked if I wanted to be given the 'smiley stick'.  I just kept on laughing and walking.  So that's what they're calling them now, huh?  "Smiley sticks"?  Bwahahahaha...  Well, I guess that beats "jolly log" any day.

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Ever wonder what other people are asking on the Internet search engines?  Wonder NO more!   Here is a link that will take you to a 'voyeur' type site which shows a portion of the requested information links for the past 30 seconds.  It is refreshed every 30 seconds, so you have to read quick.  Some of this stuff is priceless, people really are sheep.  Check out these information requests from the "ASK JEEVES" voyeur site:  Strange, do you notice a pattern forming toward the end?  I about fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!  People are such sheep...  so grab a cold drink, tune in to these sites for a few minutes, and realize just how NORMAL you really are.  At least compared to these people!

The askjeeves.com 'peek' site: http://www.askjeeves.com/docs/peek/

Please enter the type of pictures you would like to see: Pie.

Where can I get a fake I.D.?

What is the answer to the career-planning question: what are the best companies for minority workers?

What is the biggest penis size on record?

Do women really care about penis size?

What disease or condition could be indicated by the symptom swallowing difficulty?

Where can I learn about the sexual practice oral sex?

A list of several 'peek' sites can be found here: http://searchenginewatch.com/facts/searches.html

I think that my favorite request that I've ever seen has to be

"Where can I find out how to build my own lightsaber?"

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Is it just me or are you sick and tired of these annoying X10 camera ads popping up in, well, pop up windows all over the Internet.  You can't escape them!  And folks, let's be frank, OK.  What are you REALLY going to do with a camera that is "so tiny it fits ANYWHERE!"?  That's right, see the last suggestion of the ad.  BEDROOM.  You're going to film yourself or your significant other doing the naughty and then try to huck it on the internet and try to make money out of it.

So, look at the ads.  Read them from a third person removed perspective and just think about it.

You have two 'beautiful' women posing for the camera, like if you used the camera for 'nursery, front porch, backyard, pool or garage' like the suggestion is, that you would get people in the camera image looking like this.  These women are posing to imply the one true use of this camera.  Getting chicks nekked and sharing the pictures with other people on the internet.  Plain and simple.

Right.  Why do these ads show beautiful women and the caption "fits anywhere!"?  Because the only place that they didn't list (but readily popped to mind) was MOIST BODY ORIFICE!  Like you're going to mount this camera in your nursery or garage, like you're going to sit at your computer and monitor different areas of your house through a tiny camera.  What kind of lazy parent are you that you don't have the time to get off your ass and go check on the baby in the nursery down the hall.  Oh, sorry, you're a parent filming the latest amateur porn pictures to upload.   People are sheep.  You have to read between the lines folks, this camera and ad is for one purpose only; making your own home grown porn.  If you use it for anything else, well, that's just a bonus.

Sigh.  More spam for the masses of sheep.  I get tired of seeing this ad everywhere I go.  Netaddress is pretty bad about it.   Every time you log out, there is a 50% chance that ONE of these two ads is going to pop up.

"So tiny it fits ANYWHERE!"  Yeah, with a good running start and some KY jelly, I bet it does...

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I got this in my email the other day, here is how it appeared when I opened my inbox.  Listed under all of the other email was this one particular email that grabbed my attention just because it was so frigging ludicrous. 

Folks, not only is this obviously blatant 'spam', but its spam that's been done badly... and that has to be the worst kind of spam.  I copied this down for your amusement and deleted the file without ever opening it.  Maybe "Andrew" (who claims to be a webmaster but is far from proficient at this task) will learn how to use his "10 million email address for just $99.95" that he probably bought and the program that lets him bulkmail his crap unto an unsuspecting world.  Andrew is betting his financial future on you all being sheep, and you know what, he's probably right...  Let's hope that the other 9,999,999 people on his bulk Email list might be kinder than I am and actually read what he had to say, which was probably some scheme of his on how I should send HIM some of MY money.

The email is gone, so I don't know where Andrew is a 'webmaster' at, but since the address starts with "S", maybe it is

That would be my first guess.  I could be wrong...

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My wife and I were in K-mart the other day (Super K-Mart, I might add, not the regular 'redneck variety' Kmart, but SUPER Kmart.  There is a difference...), which is a store that I totally abhor.  I rather go to Wal-Mart than K-mart, but that's my personal opinion.  Well, you men know how it is, you want to go look at the toys or the guns or the electronics (all three are pretty much interchangeable when you are in a department store because your wife needs to 'pick up a few things' and you don't need squat) but she says that she needs you to push the shopping cart.  So you oblige, because you are a good husband and then you notice that she's headed right for the feminine section...

Sigh.

Well, as she was looking through shampoos and conditioners and cosmetics, I started looking for interesting bottles for kit bashing projects.   Shampoo and deodorant bottles make some of the best kit bashing / scratch building parts around.  My eyes were playing over the shelves of bottles when I came upon two very phallic shaped bottles (think male penis) and I was like ...

"WTF!?  NO way someone would make a bottle shaped like THAT!"

... and then I verified my own dark thought; they were products made for women.  By men, for women.  Yeah, go figure that one folks.  So, without further adieu (which is French for 'delay', I think... or if it is not, then it should be), I show you Umberto Giannini's latest shampoo products.  You tell me, was there some subliminal advertising going on here or not.

These two are very suspect, I picked the gray one up just to make sure it didn't have a twist on mode of operation or a little label on the bottom that said "Batteries Not Included".  No wonder Umberto is the number one hairdresser in England!  With products like that, apparently he really knows what women want.

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Ever notice that men tend to join the 'Disgruntled Husbands Club' over at the magazine racks in places like Wal-Mart or Target or K-mart?  When the wife drags us in to these stores because she just 'needs to pick up a few things', then savvy men know that the experience is going to turn into a two hour bargain safari for her and a eternity in hell for them.  Did you ever notice that the magazine section of a department store is like the 'Lost Husband Pick Up Area'?

Why is this?  Because men shop differently than women.   A man will have a mental list of what he wants or needs, will go into the store, home in directly on those products and items which he needs, take those in his arms or shopping cart, proceed to the checkout counter, pay for his items, and leave.  All in record time.  Women, on the other hand, generally take about ten minutes per item on their list because they 'bargain' shop or 'comparison' shop.  This means that they spend ten minutes trying to find the lowest price on a bottle of hair conditioner, then go to look at the dresses, try a dress on, realize that they really like the dress, but that the conditioner that they bought just won't make their hair look good, so they go back to the conditioners and try to match the dress to the best conditioner.  It defies all manner of Freudian and Euclidean geometry or mathematics, but that is what happens and if the woman has brought her husband along under the Absolute Flat Out Lie of 'I only need to pick up a few things at the store...' then that poor male soul is bound for needless suffering.

Men?

When men can't find their wives in a department store like Kmart or Wal-Mart, where is the first place that they go?  Right.  The magazine racks. Because they know that when their WIFE can't find THEM, that is the FIRST place that SHE will look for her husband.  I guess it is just a non-verbal but fully understood part of marriage today.  While a woman could be anywhere in the store (including in the automotive section, believe it or not!), men tend to congregate or migrate to the one part of the store that they truly feel comfortable in; the magazine display racks.  I mean, usually you don't see many women at the magazine racks in one of these stores, but you sure do see a lot of men.  It's like the day-care for disgruntled husbands, or a waiting room at the doctors, only it has all the latest magazines and a lot more variety to choose from and you don't have to bend over and cough.

If any of these sad inmates were to turn to another and ask them "What are YOU in here for?" the answer would be almost universally the same.

"My wife said she needed to get a few things."

And others would nod as the cloak of silence was once again reestablished.

Sadly, these poor victims gather in ones and twos, and spend their time trying to act natural, to act like they haven't been dragged into an experience not of their own will or desire.  The attitude that they project is that this is the only place in the entire store that they feel comfortable being in when they had no other reason for entering the store other than because they were forcefully dragged there.   They try not to start up conversations with other inmates of the magazine rack, because they all know why they are there, it is an unspoken, understood truth.  They remain brothers in quiet suffering with only the occasional hushed cough or covered sneeze to break the interminable silence.  Parole only comes when the wife pushes the heavily laden buggy up to the entrance to the magazine isle, looks over all the men standing or sitting there with magazines, and exclaims "Oh, THERE you are!".   Amid this joyous exultation of immanent release from torture, the wife will make eye contact with you, tell you to "come on" and proceed to claim you back to her care.  As the two of you and the buggy full of far more than 'just a few things' heads for the nearest, shortest check out line, you breathe a sigh of relief that is not shared by your fellow inmates of the magazine rack.  Behind you, other men are hoping that the next sound of buggy wheels on waxed floor will be one of their wives coming to free them from their intellectual cage, from the bonds of shopping and self imposed exile to the magazine rack.  I think that one of the worst things that can happen to a member of the DHC is that when the wife finally appears at the magazine racks, that she decides that SHE needs a magazine (or two or three) and so your term is prolonged as she does for the next fifteen minutes what you have been doing for the last hour and a half.   These next fifteen minutes will stretch on for an eternity as she finds new magazines that she has not yet read or looked through, while you look back at a long rack of magazines that you have already read EACH AND EVERY ONE.  TWICE.

Yes, it is the "Disgruntled Husbands Club" that is mostly responsible for all of the magazines being out of order, put back sideways, all those subscription stubs laying around all over the floor, and the wrinkled, torn covers on most of the front magazines in the display.  I've seen this, and yes, I'm not just a reporter of this phenomena, I'm also a member of the "Collective Disgruntled Husbands Club".  I've spent my time in hell there at the magazine rack, waiting on the wife to finish shopping while I try to find something interesting to dive into like "Guns and Weapons of Law Enforcement", "Soldier of Fortune", and anything that deals with computer games yet doesn't have a picture of Pokémon on the cover.

All men are eligible to join us at the magazine rack.  All that is required for membership is a wife who uses the phrase "I just need to stop by here for a few things."

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