When I have a week of emails that are typical of the following example, it’s kind of like that little clown car at the circus, you know, the little car where clown after clown gets out of the car and you wonder how they got that many clowns to fit in one little car. Except that when it comes to this kind of email, it’s not a bunch of clowns climbing out of a little clown car at the circus at all…

No.

Instead it’s the short yellow bus at the Special Ed program and there’s a never ending line of retards stepping off the bus and marching right up to my inbox.

Mr. Laughlin here (you’ll note he is a junior which means his parents simply weren’t creative enough to give him a name of his very own) is a very disturbed individual with a lot of dangerous angst for the import crowd and more especially so for sport bike owners. He claims that he once owned a Ninja but now owns a Harley proving that he has the God given sense of a used oil filter.

Mr. Laughlin’s email is simply another ridiculous series of barely related personal stabs at me, my character, my occupation, my family and, of course, my genitals (long may they reign). He spices up his brain droppings by mixing them with his own special meandering thought processes.

From:             "Russell D. Laughlin Jr."
To:                  blackecho
Subject:         Website
Sent:               Tue, 25 May 2004 09:55:04

Interesting little site you've built. I'm surprised a tiny little town like
Columbia, MS has internet access. Heck, I'm impressed they've got phone
access.

But I've got to ask... Why the extreme rage and anger at one segment of the
motorcycling community? At first glance, it's almost humorous. But after
reading all the drivel you've wasted internet bandwidth to spout, I've got
to question your motivation.

You see, there's plenty of people out there that hate all of us. Sportbike
riders, Harley riders, metric cruiser riders, dirt bikers, whatever. If
we're on 2 wheels, we're evil scum. So we tend to bond together as
'motorcyclists', no matter what we ride. That's why we wave.

Jerks like you, on the other hand, give a bad name to the segment of the
community you represent. You don't care about riding. You're more
concerned with your 'sportbike' image than anything. For you it's not about
the ride. It's about the visceral 'look at me pretending to be Eddie
Lawson' you portray on your plastic bike in matching helmet and leathers.

Today's Japanese sportbikes are like today's computers. If you don't have
the latest model, you're riding outdated machinery. You're the subject of
ridicule and humor within your circle of riding buddies. And when your bike
is tired out, it's ready for scrap. Look at the market for 10 year old
sportbikes. Oh.. nevermind... there isn't one. Why? Because the latest
and greatest is the only thing worth having?

And let's not even discuss the size wars. To be the baddest sportbiker, you
need the baddest bike. Forget that the machine is too much for all but the
most talented, experienced riders. If it's not a liter bike, you're a
pussy. Nevermind that you'll never approach the capabilities of the bike on
public roads. It's all about the image. Sure, you may rail some turns at
double the posted limit, and see 150 MPH in 4th gear on the interstate. But
riding like that in public is risky, dangerous, and a menace to society.
And I won't even begin to discuss the whole stunting fad. Seeing idiots
riding 80 MPH stand up wheelies on I-12 makes me want to slowly drift into
their lane when I'm in my cage.

Another question... if Harleys are such awful bikes, then why are the
Japanese doing all they can to emulate them? Kawasaki just introduced the
Vulcan 2000, a HUGE V-twin with a separate gearbox, much like a Harley. And
the Yamaha Road Star bikes are aircooled and use pushrods. Also, much like
the bikes out of Milwaukee.

You are a fool. Your site is a joke. You're attitude is awful. You are
the worst kind of ambassador for motorcycling. You belong in the same
category as the kids in the Civics with the fart cannon exhaust and aluminum
wings. You treat the public roadway system like your own personal
racetrack. In no way do you portray motorcycling in a responsible manner.
Yet you continue to rant on about the inadequacies of a Harley owner? If
anyone is trying to make up for anatomical shortcomings, it's guys like you
that can't respect other rider's desires.

And while you so proudly proclaim the stereotype of the Harley owner, you
don't look in the mirror. What you call the target market for Harley
Davidson, those of us with an education and culture would just as easily
call the typical Columbia, MS resident.

Another thing... and I quote: "You won't see me going around to every rider
about to get on a Harley and saying 'Hey You, Why don't you get a real
bike'". Yet your website is just that.

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I just finished digging around your festering cesspool of a website and
figured out why you are like you are:

Mr. tough guy rural cop. Go down south to New Orleans, engage in some real
police work, and chase a drug dealer or gang banger instead of setting yet
another speed trap. Your badge should read 'tax collector' or 'revenue
generator', not 'Police Officer'.

Columbia MS SWAT badge. For when the sheep is held in a hostage situation.

AR-15, unsecured in the vehicle, with the necessary scope. For that next
race riot. Glad to see you're prepared with the pseudo military rifle.
Tell me, is the gang crime that bad that you need to carry such a weapon?
Or is it for intimidation at your speed trap?

And last but not least, your wife/sister. I see the family resemblance.
Poor girl. Married to the guy with the worst case of "little dick syndrome"
I've ever seen.

All your efforts to bash Harley riders could be so better put to use to
foster goodwill between motorcyclists and the rest of the public. Join
ABATE or the AMA. Go teach the MSF course for new riders. Wave at old
ladies from the bike. Anything. It's us vs. them out there, and they don't
care what we ride. Just that we ride. Your attitude should be the same.
Don't give a damn what someone else chooses to ride, just respect the fact
that they ride.

And as an FYI... I used to own a Ninja. But I sold it to buy a Harley. And
I'm just as happy on my Harley as you were on your Ninja.

So tell me, what is in your garage now?

 

_____________________

To which I have replied...
_____________________

Interesting little site you've built. I'm surprised a tiny little town like
Columbia, MS has internet access. Heck, I'm impressed they've got phone
access.
 

Welp, let me tels yaw whut, joonyor! Nawt onlee duzz we’s dun gawn an gots all of thet ther hiuh teknoluhjee tellyfone aksess, buh we’s dun allso gones and gots thut ther eelektrishutitty tew! Hell! I evun gots my verry ohn satuhlight desh. No lye! I jess luv thut ther hiuh spede intraweb to. Why, it’s almos as much dam fun as watchen NASCAR wile yur buk-ass nekkid! Almos. I say thet ahcause ain’t nuthin reely dun kan beet watchin NASCAR buk-ass nekkid an thets thuh truth, I surly swears it am. If’n yoo’s wuz empresed and surprized by all of thet thar moddurn prugress, then I gess you’s jess a gawt dam simpultun, now ain’t cha?

“But I've got to ask... Why the extreme rage and anger at one segment of the
motorcycling community? At first glance, it's almost humorous. But after
reading all the drivel you've wasted internet bandwidth to spout, I've got
to question your motivation.”

“Drivel?”

“Drivel” is an awfully big word for a tiny minded Harley owner like you to be just throwing around, don’t you think? In fact, I’d wager that if you tried to use the word “drivel” in a conversation at Sturgis or Daytona, half of the Harley riders that you were talking to would either instinctively raise their sleeve to wipe their chin while the other half would be looking to the sky to see if they needed to get out their rain suits.

I don’t think that what you’re reading on my site is so much rage and anger as it is my own special recipe of pure mirth brought to you piping hot and fresh while being served up with a hearty portion of enlightenment and garnished with a generous sprinkling of common sense.

”You see, there's plenty of people out there that hate all of us. Sportbike
riders, Harley riders, metric cruiser riders, dirt bikers, whatever. If
we're on 2 wheels, we're evil scum. So we tend to bond together as
'motorcyclists', no matter what we ride. That's why we wave.”

Oh, cry me a river, you middle-of-the-fence-riding, boo-hooing liberal pansy.

”Jerks like you, on the other hand, give a bad name to the segment of the
community you represent. You don't care about riding. You're more
concerned with your 'sportbike' image than anything. For you it's not about
the ride. It's about the visceral 'look at me pretending to be Eddie
Lawson' you portray on your plastic bike in matching helmet and leathers.”

I don’t think you, as a proud Harley owner, really want to preach to me about image or about pretending to be someone that you are not. If you do, then you have very little, if any, room upon which to stand.  I have yet to see any Harley rider who wasn’t festooned from head to foot with multiple examples of “The Holy Logo.” For you and your kind, image is everything simply because it is the only thing that you have.

Not so with Dale Earnhardt.

”Today's Japanese sportbikes are like today's computers. If you don't have the latest model, you're riding outdated machinery. You're the subject of ridicule and humor within your circle of riding buddies. And when your bike is tired out, it's ready for scrap. Look at the market for ten-year old sportbikes. Oh.. never mind... there isn't one. Why? Because the latest and greatest is the only thing worth having? And let's not even discuss the size wars. To be the baddest sportbiker, you need the baddest bike. Forget that the machine is too much for all but the most talented, experienced riders. If it's not a liter bike, you're a pussy. Nevermind that you'll never approach the capabilities of the bike on
public roads. It's all about the image.”

I am constantly amazed at the amount of sheer hay-seed ignorance that is collectively experienced by Milwaukee’s faithful flock.  It is not about image, junior. It is about performance, something that is completely unknown to Harley Davidson.
 

“How fast? Try mid-10-second quarter miles and top speeds approaching 160 mph. And on the roadrace track, showroom-stock save for race-compound tires, these street-legal motorcycles are capable of lapping within 5 percent of the best times set by professional racers on factory-prepped Supersport machines and within 10 percent of full-blow, 180 horsepower Superbikes.” -CYCLE WORLD (May, 2003)
 

Darwin abides.
 

“Sure, you may rail some turns at double the posted limit, and see 150 MPH in 4th gear on the interstate. But riding like that in public is risky, dangerous, and a menace to society. And I won't even begin to discuss the whole stunting fad. Seeing idiots riding 80 MPH stand up wheelies on I-12 makes me want to slowly drift into their lane when I'm in my cage.”
 

I find it interesting that you would describe someone riding a sport bike fast in traffic as being a risk, of being dangerous and a menace to society yet you say that you actually fantasize about using your car as a deadly weapon to seriously hurt or even kill this unsuspecting motorcyclist?

The fact that you even entertain the thought of taking someone’s life and destroying the lives of their family simply because you don’t like how they are riding or perhaps because you don’t like the bike that they are riding on is totally unforgivable. It never ceases to amaze me how the typical Harley owner wants to destroy or smash anything which goes contrary to their own limited beliefs. Ned Lud would be proud.
 

I truly believe that the only public risk, the only danger and the only real menace to society is you, junior, when you’re angry and behind the wheel of your cage. I’m sure that if you ever did use your car to kill the unsuspecting sport bike rider that, as you were being led away in handcuffs, you would probably tell the cops:
 

“Yeah, well, that young punk got just what he deserved, being an idiot and riding like that! Why, he might have killed someone!”
 

The news camera would at that point pan slowly across the bumper of your car, and zoom in on the “Kill a biker. Go to jail” bumper sticker.
 

Oh, I do have a question for you though and please be honest with us now.
 

Would you wave to the sport biker before you ran him down with your car or would you keep both hands on the wheel for that extra bit of safety and control? I’m just curious because you do seem to put a high emphasis on waving at other bikers all the time. I was just curious to see if this brotherly sign of universal friendship among motorcyclists would apply to this situation as well…

”Another question... if Harleys are such awful bikes, then why are the
Japanese doing all they can to emulate them? Kawasaki just introduced the
Vulcan 2000, a HUGE V-twin with a separate gearbox, much like a Harley. And
the Yamaha Road Star bikes are aircooled and use pushrods. Also, much like
the bikes out of Milwaukee.”
 

I always have to laugh out loud when some Harley sycophant ignorantly claims that Japan is copying Milwaukee simply because they think that the bikes are starting to vaguely look similar. If the Japanese really were doing all they could to emulate Harley, then they would stop making sport bikes all together, drop out of all world class performance competition, close all of their high tech factories, make all of their engineers commit hari-kari and start hiring high school dropouts for employees. However, even if Japan did all of this, I honestly think they would still be at least a decade or a decade and a half ahead of Milwaukee in both technology and production capacity.
 

If Harley is such a powerful world leader in motorcycles and technology then why can’t they build a sport bike? Why don’t they build a sport bike? The market is out there, young kids want fast bikes that look sporty, but Harley builds nothing for the younger generation. Where are Harley’s sport tourers? Why did their racing program (the VR1000) fall laughably on its face time and time again? Why, in ten years of effort, could the VR1000 never once achieve a first place victory? Ten years is a long time to lose, but then Harley’s been losing to the rest of the world since the first British and Japanese invasion of the ‘60’s. Harley has created a financial empire out of catering to a generation that is even now petering out of the purchase of material goods. Harley has gotten rich quick off of the Baby Boomer generation, but it is the generation that follows that will decide if Harley survives or not. It’s going to be a rough ride, that’s for sure, because my generation doesn’t see Harley in the same light that my father’s generation did.
 

Now, this may come as a shock to many of my regular visitors, but during the last two years, I kept an open mind when looking for a new motorcycle and I even entertained thoughts of owning a cruiser or a standard, if one matched my fancy or really pulled at the strings of my soul. I was particularly interested in the Suzuki Intruder, the Honda VTX, the Honda Shadow and even looked at a Buell Firebolt, which really intrigued me for its design (though the belt drive was a big turn off). The Suzuki and Honda cruisers were what I considered to be the finest examples of the import cruisers and the best looking ones as well, IMHO. The Buell Firebolt soon fell by the wayside in final choices as too many Buell owners warned me away from the Firebolt or any Buell product for that matter.
 

Honestly, I always liked the Japanese cruisers and standards because they were easily identifiable from their Milwaukee counterparts. Sadly, even I must admit that isn’t always true now. The Japanese cruisers of yesteryear were sharper, their lines were clearly defined and their forms were a no-nonsense approach to engineering using modern knowledge. Today, I couldn’t find one cruiser or standard that really stirred my soul, and I find that to be quite sad. Most were overweight (nearly 600 pounds) and they all looked the same, at least to me; it was hard for me to tell what was a Shadow and what was a VTX.
 

Not so with the CBR.
 

The 600RR’s shape was unmistakable and it easily set itself apart from every other bike on the showroom floor, which is initially what attracted me to it. The black frame and black bodywork were seamlessly integrated, the silver ‘wing’ emblem on the side was also tastefully done and it looked like a hawk. The mean, angular, aggressive aerodynamics were poetry rendered into physical form and the center up exhaust really upped the neatness factor (besides being fully functional). Everything on the CBR was utilitarian, no flash, no wasted cosmetics, no frivolous eye candy. It was the bare minimum required to achieve its goals, and that is where I fell in love with it. The CBR wasn’t designed to look fast, it was designed to be fast. It gets its looks as a byproduct of its design, not as the center point of its design.
I guess that is why I like sport bikes so much, because even if the Japanese and American cruisers are starting to look similar, you will never, ever mistake the fact that a sport bike is a sport bike and that sport bikes are not indigenous to the United States (which I find strange since we, as a culture, put such a high emphasis on competition and sports). No one will ever look at a Ninja or a CBR and wonder “is that a Harley or a Japanese bike?” Sport bikes always have been, are today, and probably forever will be pure in their designs. I like sport bikes because they are different, they are unmistakable, and they are clearly built with superior engineering, forward thinking and contemporary (if not sometimes cutting edge) technology.
 

The fact is that the import manufacturers can build many types of bikes, from slow cruisers to ultra fast sport bikes, from off road dirt bikes and ATVs to high performance watercraft is a slap in the face to Milwaukee. Harley builds motorcycles. Only. They don’t build ATVs, they don’t build personal water craft. They used to build dirt bikes, I’m not sure if they do anymore. I understand that they were pretty good dirt bikes, back during the ‘70’s which I guess is in direct contrast to the quality of their street bikes back then during the reign of AMF. Harley did at one time build golf carts, or so I’m told, but they don’t anymore. I guess the course owners didn’t like seeing all those patches of black where the golf carts leaked oil on the well kept greens. The fact is, Harley can only build a few types of bikes because they are using the same designs over and over again, trading parts from one model to another and calling it a “new” model with a new jumble of letters and a suitable rise in retail price. Their greatest innovation lately was adding better bushings to their motor mounts to reduce vibration in some models. Yeah, there’s cutting edge engineering for you. Harley Davidson is stagnant, they are the mechanical and engineering equivalent of inbred, and it shows in their designs and their product. Year after year, decade after decade, it shows.
 

Form follows function, junior, to a large degree, but it is the market that ultimately dictates aesthetic design and what truly sells. Currently, what is driving the market for cruisers and standards is a trend known as retro-styling. This trend, put simply, means that people want motorcycles that look nostalgic. Retro is in (unless you own a sport bike) and so, as the market has spoken, the various manufacturers have responded. No one ever claimed that the market was full of smart people (look at the alarming success of NASCAR, reality TV and (c)rap music) but the market is a powerful driving force that influences every decision made in the business world, like it or not.
 

Of course, when it came to this new trend in retro styling, Milwaukee didn’t really have to change anything in the way that they built motorcycles because they’ve been building motorcycles like it was the year 1959 ever since it really was the year 1959.

”You are a fool. Your site is a joke. You're attitude is awful. You are
the worst kind of ambassador for motorcycling.”

Your overall ignorance is equaled only in depth by your own glaring stupidity, and at this point in the race, they’re neck and neck in a photo-finish for first place.

Ambassador for motorcycling?
 

That’s funny, because I don’t remember volunteering or being asked to be any ambassador of motorcycling. If it’s a steady job with a steady income, then I believe that not only am I owed a decade of back pay, but that I have some hazardous duty bonuses coming as well.
 

Ambassador for motorcycling?
 

Hell, I’m just an average Joe who breaks his back doing an honest living and who isn’t afraid to tell it like it freaking is with no apologies and no holds barred. I have an opinion, I’m entitled to it, and I will defend it with all the intelligence, humor, education and wisdom that God has granted me in this life. If your feelings get hurt in the process, too damn bad.
 

My money is hard to come by so the last thing I’m going to do is waste it on is an outdated, underpowered piece of overpriced, trendy glitter bling or being a chromosexual. If I present my arguments in an articulate manner, if I use correct grammar and proper English, if I spell big words correctly and represent my chosen ride as someone who has both an education and intelligence, therefore setting a better example for those who also chose to ride bikes like mine, then you are welcome to try to put those facets down. If all of that makes me some kind of pariah of motorcycling, then so be it. I promise you I won’t lose any sleep over it.
 

Like I’ve said before, the opinion of sheep matters not to the wolf.
 

“You belong in the same category as the kids in the Civics with the fart cannon exhaust and aluminum wings. You treat the public roadway system like your own personal racetrack. In no way do you portray motorcycling in a responsible manner.”
 

Now you are comparing me to a ricer boy? Will the wonders of your stupidity ever cease? I’ve not been called a ricer boy before or even compared to those no-life skating retards. I find it funny that you should mention those posers, or so erroneously compare me to them as I make fun of those performance wannabes over on my SPO site (where I nail their fragile little image-driven egos to the wall with as much aplomb as I do all of the Harley riders).
 

Ricer boy ... ?
 

I find it interesting that you should compare me to that particular ignorant subculture because it has long been my opinion that Harley Davidson owners are closer to ricer boys than even they would like to think. Harley owners are very similar to ricer boys in most ways; both subcultures pose, both think image is more important than performance, and both own ridiculous pieces of junk that they have invested large amounts of time and money into.
 

You could do an exhaustive college level study of how similar the two subcultures are, but with one important difference: I don’t see the ricer boys naming their children after the import car companies that they worship and adore. I mean, it’s not hard to find someone named Harley Jones or Harley Ann Smith (Harley appears to be usable for either sex with equal aplomb) but when was the last time you ran into someone named Mitsubishi Carter or Hyundai Smith or Toyota Jones? You probably never have and you probably never will. If you do, it will be as a nickname, and not their legal name.
 

Ricer boys have a lot in common with Harley owners in that both know very little about the machines that they own and both are more concerned with sound and image than any actual performance. With Harley owners it’s an overdose of chrome and the liberal slathering of the American flag. With ricer boys it’s neon and kanji. Loud pipes and coffee can exhausts, you both have them, you just call them different things but they’re the same in essence and engineering. The bottom line is that you both stick loud ass exhaust systems on sub-par engines and think it means you have a lot of power and you use every opportunity you can to open the throttle to prove it.
 

I would have thought that your hillbilly mindset would have felt right at home with the coffee can exhaust concept or do you now see the ridiculous nature of putting large diameter open pipes on small, laughably underpowered motors and calling it performance? If a two liter four cylinder with an oversized exhaust sounds like liquid shit funneled at high speed through an electric fan, what do you think a motor half that size with half the cylinders is going to sound like?
 

Oh, right. You and your kind call it “American Thunder.”
 

The rest of us call it “noise.”
 

Here’s a clue, junior.  Noise isn’t power and loud pipes don’t save lives, they just annoy the ever living fuck out of other people in traffic.
 

“Yet you continue to rant on about the inadequacies of a Harley owner? If
anyone is trying to make up for anatomical shortcomings, it's guys like you
that can't respect other rider's desires.”
 

I don’t respect other riders’ desires?

Please don’t make me laugh.  I could care less what your desires are in this world for they have no bearing at all on my desires or my life.  I believe that you, instead, meant to say that I don't respect other rider's choices.

Hey, junior! Where the hell have you been for the last decade? This site exists ONLY because your kind had a severe lack of respect for me and my kind (and still does as evidenced by the numerous emails which I receive including this one). Harley owners are some of the most two faced, shallowest, narrow minded people in the world, but that is to be expected from people who choose to buy their life rather than make one of their own. The typical Harley owner pro-import bike, extend the hand in friendship statement goes something like this:
 

“Hey, you cheap ass gook whore loving commie bastard! Why can’t you be nice and respect other riders’ motorcycles? Why can’t we just all get along, huh? I respect your little rice burning fag bike, why can’t you respect my real, made in America bike in return, you stupid asshole?”
 

It’s in your nature to hate and despise anything not exactly like you, junior, because you surround yourself with mediocrity and inferiority. If you truly knew any better, if you ascribed to be more than someone else’s idea of an outdated fantasy, then you wouldn’t be riding a Harley. Remember, a Harley isn’t a sign of success, rather it is an indication of failure in everything from common sense, fiscal responsibility up to and including your ability to be your own person and to show some originality.
 

As for my penis size, let me just say that what my penis can’t reach, it can spit on. Furthermore, in regard to my penis, I have absolutely no regrets to what size God chose to endow me with (being somewhat gifted in that area for a white boy). Yes, if I had to make a professional guess, I’d say that my penis not only meets the required operating standards and mission critical specs of its intended role, but that it carries out its assigned tasks flawlessly and without error each and every time that it is asked to perform, consistently rising above and beyond the call of duty to carry out its mission with rousing success.

“And while you so proudly proclaim the stereotype of the Harley owner, you
don't look in the mirror. What you call the target market for Harley
Davidson, those of us with an education and culture would just as easily
call the typical Columbia, MS resident.”

Junior, the closest you’ve ever come to culture was your sister’s yeast infection.


”Another thing... and I quote: "You won't see me going around to every rider
about to get on a Harley and saying 'Hey You, Why don't you get a real
bike'". Yet your website is just that.”

If this is the silver bullet of your argument, I’m afraid that your firing pin just fell on a dud round.
 

Sorry. I don’t go around to every Harley rider and tell them to get a real bike, only the ones who confront me in real life or send me piss-poor examples of barely readable email. I only tear apart those Harley riders who ignorantly think that their bike is somehow superior to mine and base that laughable assumption solely on easily refuted criteria and hillbilly schools of logic. I’m perfectly willing to let you ride around in complete ignorant bliss because it’s quite funny to watch you pose and posture. I find it amusing to see how serious you take your pretend lifestyle and to what depths your collective gullibility extends to.
 

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(Insert the Jeopardy theme here for kicks and grins.  What kind of moron inserts a dramatic pause like this in an EMAIL?  Duh. -BE)
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”I just finished digging around your festering cesspool of a website and
figured out why you are like you are: Mr. tough guy rural cop. Go down south to New Orleans, engage in some real police work, and chase a drug dealer or gang banger instead of setting yet another speed trap. Your badge should read 'tax collector' or 'revenue generator', not 'Police Officer'.”

Mr. tough guy rural cop? Oh, dear. You’re not even smart enough to know the difference between a police department and a sheriff’s department. The sheriff’s department handles law enforcement anywhere in the county, including the city. The police department is only able to carry out law enforcement within the city limits (unless requested by the SO to leave the city limits and approved by the watch commander). I’m municipal, not rural

As far as tickets go, I write very few of them, the least of which go to speeding.  Most of my paper work is for arrests.  I'm an easy guy to get along with, especially when I wear a badge so you really have to be booking it along for me to issue you some paper on it (I give you a generous 10mph over the limit before I even pull you over).  Generally, I'll pull you over, ask you to slow down, and we'll both get on about our business.  You can take that as a warning or not.  If I see you again doing the same thing, it's going to cost you some paper. 

If the city of Columbia is relying on me to generate tax revenue for them, then they're in a whole lot of trouble.  I'm more into interdiction which means that I work at taking drug users, drug runners, drug dealers, and drunk drivers off the street.  In fact, just the other Saturday night, my shift ended at midnight.  I was bone tired, so I just climbed into the Grand Prix GTP, full gear, and decided to go home.  Not a mile from the PD, this green Bonneville pulls right out in front of me.  He saw me coming, he just didn't care.  I flash my headlights at him but notice his window tint is so dark it probably didn't even register on him.  He crosses the center line.  Fine, I think, he's just not paying attention.  He does it again, for longer.  I'm willing to let him do it twice since he might be after a CD or something.  He gets in the oncoming lane and starts driving, meandering back and forth.  I call him in to my partner, who vectors in from another area of the city and together with the shift commander (regular unit, smooth top unit, and my black Grand Prix GTP) we pull this guy over.  The driver goes DUI and both passengers go public drunk.  I go back to the PD and punch in for another hour and a half of paper work and processing as we tow their car and throw them in jail.  I don't get home until 2am.
 

No.  I think I’ll stay in Columbia, thank you very much. We have our own share of gang bangers and drug dealers. Just because we’re a smaller city than, say, New Orleans doesn’t mean that we don’t have gangs, drugs, prostitution, murder, rape, and all the other good things that you find in today’s society. We’ve got our own share of these things. After all, we are talking about Columbia, MS, not Mayberry.
 

”Columbia MS SWAT badge. For when the sheep is held in a hostage situation.”
 

Well, junior, the last SWAT callout that I answered at 2:30am in the morning had us deploying in response to a 28 year old man armed with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol and possibly other weapons. The suspect had barricaded himself in an apartment with seven small children who were not related to him. Now if you want to call those children “sheep” in a hostage situation, be my guest. It doesn’t change the situation or the potential for pain and suffering.
 

SWAT: it’s how cops dial 9-1-1.
 

”AR-15, unsecured in the vehicle, with the necessary scope. For that next race riot. Glad to see you're prepared with the pseudo military rifle. Tell me, is the gang crime that bad that you need to carry such a weapon? Or is it for intimidation at your speed trap?”

AR-15?

For your information, junior, that is not an AR-15.

The AR-15 is the civilian version of the highly successful and world renowned Colt M-16 series assault rifle but then I’d expect a clueless firearm virgin such as yourself to make a glaring mistake like that. What you see pictured is a Bushmaster Model XM15-E2S “shorty” tactical carbine chambered for 5.56mm NATO (.223 caliber) ammunition. It is semi-automatic feeding from a 30 round box magazine and has a match grade heavy barrel with a one in nine twist for precision long range shots. The telescopic sight was mounted (and sighted in) for when all there might be time for was a single critical, life saving shot and that shot had to absolutely count.
 

Pseudo military rifle ... ?

Hell, junior, I am pleasantly surprised, given your alarming amount of deep rooted, rampant hillbilly ignorance, that you didn’t simply call my tactical duty rifle a “boom stick.”

“And last but not least, your wife/sister. I see the family resemblance. Poor girl. Married to the guy with the worst case of "little dick syndrome" I've ever seen.”

Ah! Insulting my penis again and twice in one email! Will the predictability of the typical Harley owner never cease? I’m Laughlin, sorry, laughing at you, junior.

No, really, I am.
 

”All your efforts to bash Harley riders could be so better put to use to foster goodwill between motorcyclists and the rest of the public. Join ABATE or the AMA. Go teach the MSF course for new riders. Wave at old ladies from the bike. Anything. It's us vs. them out there, and they don't care what we ride. Just that we ride. Your attitude should be the same. Don't give a damn what someone else chooses to ride, just respect the fact that they ride.”

Whoa! You know, I think you’re right!

By God, why don’t all of us bikers just get together, do a big group hug around a huge roaring camp fire, toast us some smores and sing Kum-ba-yah or listen to John Mellencamp's greatest hits.

No, wait…. I’ve got an even better idea, junior.
 

How about you attend an anger management course or seek professional psychiatric help where you can work out your dark desire to use your car to run over other motorcycle riders that don’t share the same outlook on life that you do or who ride motorcycles that aren’t exactly like yours.
 

Seek therapy, chimp. When you’re done, get a life, if you have the balls to stand apart from the crowd, that is.
 

“And as an FYI... I used to own a Ninja. But I sold it to buy a Harley. And I'm just as happy on my Harley as you were on your Ninja.”
 

Congratulations on going from a Ninja to a Harley. That’s like trading a Hostess Twinkie for a dog turd and thinking you got the better end of the deal.

”So tell me, what is in your garage now?”

Oh, not much that would interest you. There’s the wife’s car (228 horsepower 4.6 liter modular V8 motored silver ’03 Mercury Grand Marquis GS) which is a carbon copy of the Ford Crown Victoria that I drive for the Police department. I’ve always thought the Grand Marquis was a sportier version of that body style, and that it was not so much the grandma-car that the Crown Vic was.
 

My guess is that you’ve got a beat up old Chevy Nova parked next to your rattle trap Sportster. Oh, and we can’t forget the “Kill a biker. Go to jail.” bumper sticker on the rear of your car, now can we? No, it’s probably right next to the “Imports suck” sticker and the big Harley Davidson decal in the rear window.


 

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