PhIL pRoVeS tHaT WhEn yOu UsE AoL aNd YoU TyPe In ALL CAPS
iT ShOwS ThAt yOu GoTs tHe GaY.

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From:        PHBVER@aol.com

To:                blackecho

Subject:   LOL

Sent:           Wed, 9 Oct 2002

BOY YOU ARE ONE PIECE OF WORK....LOL.....JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR IGNORANCE AMUSED ME......CYA...WOULDNT WANT TO BE YA.......LOL.....

OH, ONE MORE THING I PROVIDED MY NAME(UNLIKE YOU DID) PHIL...SAN DIEGO CA

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From:      PHBVER@aol.com

To:                blackecho

Subject:    ONE MORE THING

Sent:            Wed, 9 Oct 2002

i looked through your site, lol, man how can you be a cop and have time to dedicate yourself to show the world what morons cops are.....lol.......mississippi huh?.......lol........dont think you'll be running into me anytime soon, (lucky for you by the way)......lol……..but thanks for the pics.....lol……..now i know what you resemble......lol……..oh how i am hoping you reply .....lol....have a good day officer...phil..san diego ca

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To which I replied

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Phil,

Email has been a generally accepted derivative of common, written social communication for well over ten years now, so by this point in the Information Age you really have no excuse for not being educated in its proper use.  After all, the prerequisite skills required to utilize this particular form of communication are currently being mastered (without any great deal of effort) by the average third grader (third grade apparently being the primary target market for something like AOL).  You, on the other hand, seem to have a lot of difficulty using even the rudimentary functions of email to communicate with other members of the human race.  The fact that you had to send me two separate emails within an hour all in order to basically complete what amounts to one long ignorant meandering thought goes a long way towards indicating not only the unbelievable depth of your stupidity, but its incredible width as well. 

You should also know that typing in ALL CAPS and excessively using the acronym “LOL” is considered not only to be the mark of a rank amateur on the Internet, but also a clear indicator that you are probably spending way too much time as a conductor on the man train.  

In your case, “LOL” clearly stands for “Loser On Line”.

BOY YOU ARE ONE PIECE OF WORK....LOL.....JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR IGNORANCE AMUSED ME......CYA...WOULDNT WANT TO BE YA.......LOL.....

Where you claim that my ‘ignorance’ amused you, as clearly evidenced in your email by the nine separate instances of the often highly overused and now very clichéd acronym “LOL”  (the quintessential favorite acronym of all time of pre-pubescent AOLosers, I might add), I can in turn state the fact that your ignorance does not amuse me, not even in the slightest.  I have been known to find mirth in just about every aspect of life or any given situation no matter how dire, but your email brings only tears of sadness to my soul and makes me cringe in dismay on the inside.  Your email is more concrete proof that the basic education system of America has fallen into catastrophic disarray.

Phil, you seriously need to update your repertoire, because what you have presented is quite stale and, in a word someone of your mental stature is sure not to recognize; peddling.  Of course this is to be expected from someone who uses AOL like it was a good thing.  The fact that you laugh at your own rather inane statements also raises suspicion that you may be more than just a slight bit on the mentally retarded side.  Your ignorance saddens me, Phil, it really does.  Not because it exists, but because it is so fucking and utterly complete.   I used to believe that nothing man-made was perfect, but ignorance is what you make of it, and I have to say that in your case, you’ve just about approached perfection in your pursuit of simplistic, pedantic stupidity.

You should know that AOL is considered by countless many Internet savvy users, myself included, to be the short bus of the World Wide Web.  The clearest indicator that you are a member of the bewildered herd is if you require an annoying wav file to let you know that “You’ve Got Mail!” and if your email address ends in “@AOL.COM”.  The fact that you have an AOLoser account clearly indicates that not only do you not know the first fucking thing about the Internet (and therefore are little more than an annoyance to those of us who do) but that you are obviously also up way past your proscribed bedtime.  Mommy and daddy should use a variety of commercially available software packages as well as a few choice, if not creative, methods of negative reinforcement to keep a spastic bedwetting little fudge puppet like yourself from using the home computer when you are not being directly supervised by a responsible, toilet trained adult (which may be next to impossible to find in your current household).

With all the evidence presented, I simply must come to the inescapable conclusion that you really are one stupid Twinkie dick monkey fuck.  And a rather lame one at that. Your parents must truly regret not choosing abortion when they still had the option, though in your case, I think the clinic would have used a high pressure enema instead of a rusty old bent coat hanger to get the job done.

OH, ONE MORE THING I PROVIDED MY NAME(UNLIKE YOU DID) PHIL...SAN DIEGO CA

Yes, that’s nice, Phil.  I’m so very pleased with your progress thus far in the journey that is life.  I guess you don’t have a last name, or that you just aren’t capable of pronouncing big words with more than one syllable.  Maybe you could give us an initial for your last name?

Oh, never mind.

Your mommy probably wrote it in with a permanent marker on the tag of your underwear.  A lot of parents sew or write their child’s name inside their child’s under clothes.  This lasts until about the end of the third grade which means that you still have a while left to go.   It’s a time honored tradition and part of the basic learning and growing process.  One day soon you may even be able to say your whole name all by yourself! And then when you’ve mastered that, we’ll move on to more complex but no less essential life and social skills like basic potty training and learning how to tie your very own shoe laces all by yourself.

ONE MORE THING.  i looked through your site, lol,  

Oh, I am truly pleased to know that you have finally discovered how to turn off the [CAPS LOCK] key.  I see that you also have learned how to properly navigate simple fucking hyperlinks, a skill based entirely on the overly difficult concepts of "point" and "click."  Congratulations, Phil!  You are well on your way to evolving into what some might one day consider a basic tool using simian, albeit a somewhat retarded and homely one.

Let’s review what you have accomplished so far, my unruly little simian.

First you have discovered how to turn your parents’ computer on (probably without them knowing) and while this is not anything truly amazing to the rest of us at the top of the food chain, it does prove that you can at least understand the basic concepts of advanced technology and that electricity (which isn't magic) is required to run that advanced technology. Next you humped your hand silly over the rudimentary basics of getting on the Internet and sending email, and finally you have explored the modern miracle of one click hyperlinks as included for easy navigation within a contemporary designed website.

Oh, I forgot!  You learned how to turn off the [CAPS LOCK] key all by yourself !  I bet you almost wet yourself when you figured out that one.

Jinkies, Phil, all of this progress in the space of less than an hour online!  You must be so proud of yourself!  Will wonders never cease?!

“man how can you be a cop and have time to dedicate yourself to show the world what morons cops are.....lol.......”

Well, Phil, I guess I’m just a really good cop, not that you would ever understand what it is to be a cop (let alone have what it takes).  Being a good cop is doing my job as fast, as efficiently, and as professionally as possible so that I can get back home to relax and maybe take the occasional odd few minutes time that it requires to utterly ridicule stupid, twinkle toe, shit munching fuckwads like yourself.

So you think that cops are morons?

Ouch, Phil.

You don’t know how bad that really hurt my feelings, and the feelings of every cop who subsequently reads this.

Phil, can you not produce a better, more original insult than “moron”?  I swear, pansy stick numbfucks like you amaze me at your total lack of any fucking creativity or original thought process.  I could get more severely verbally berated by a geriatric palsy stricken invalid with Tourette's Syndrome in the local retirement home than what you have shown that you can muster.  I had worse insults thrown at me on the play ground in elementary school than you can apparently generate which is simply more clear evidence that you are a worthless at all things in life, even the rather fine and skillful art of the flame.  IF you are going to insult me, Phil, please at least try to put more effort into it, or don’t do it at all.

Like I’ve said before, there are three types of people in the world; wolves, sheep, and those who protect the sheep from the wolves.  Since you aren’t a wolf (wolves don’t use AOL, big clue there), and you aren’t a protector, that must make you, by default, a sheep.  Sheep like AOL, it’s one of the biggest pastures of mediocrity on the Internet.  There’s a lot of free hours that you can spend to graze your mind into a placid coma and its all designed for the lowest fucking common denominator in society therefore I'm not surprised that you use it.

Moron?

Moron is a word that sees very little use these days, Phil.  Around here, we no longer call people like you morons because that might hurt your feelings, diminish your self image and generate a negative personal environment which would prohibit your positive growth and development as an individual, thereby making you an eventual burden on society.  No, in today’s politically correct society, cops cannot call people like you 'morons'  anymore.  Instead, cops have a different term for square tail diet minded fecal monks like yourself ….

We laughingly refer to people like you as ‘job security’.

And as for being dedicated in showing the world a good example of what a moron really is, I think that you seem to be doing a knock up job of that all by yourself.

“mississippi huh?.......lol........”

Another leading indicator of your above average uselessness as a human being is the fact that you fail to capitalize proper nouns, from the names of cities and states, down to your own personal name.  Hell, you don’t even capitalize the name of the city and state where you claim that you live.  Now, while I would argue that your name should not be capitalized because you represent at best the living embodiment of what a complete waste of perfectly good semen can amount to and therefore you are irrelevant in respect to the rest of the human race, I do take offense at you for not properly capitalizing the name of my state.

At least people in Mississippi are smart enough to understand what a proper noun is, Phil.

“dont think you'll be running into me anytime soon, (lucky for you by the way)...... lol”

Damn, Phil…  Did you just make a thinly veiled threat to me?  Do you really think that  I’m going to take the words posted by a urinal cake for brains, ass ratchet, butt snorkeling foreskin clown hiding behind an AOLoser account seriously?  Get real.  The only thing that I find scary about your email is that it was written by Twinkie fuck amateur who makes Play-Doh™ look brilliant.

Pillow biting ass nazis like yourself should never be taken lightly, I mean, hell, if you somehow managed to figure out how to chew through the cellophane wrapper on a free AOL CD, somehow install that insipid piece of software on your mommy's computer, and then actually become an AOLoser, you might just very well be dangerous.  Like dangerous to a pack of Hostess Ding Dongs and a glass of milk before you go for a heavy duty session of online fapping while in a chat room with a bunch of other pre-teen AOLusers, or perhaps dangerous in the sense that you're about to try to fit poor Mr. Foo-Foo, your pet gerbil, unsuccessfully back up your ass for the third time this evening while capturing the images on your webcam.

Phil, I bet you’re on PETA’s top ten list of most wanted repeat offenders for gerbil molesting.  You sound like the type of person who would enjoy frequent gerbil rocketing sessions while watching “Rug-Rats” or “Cat-Dog”.

Yes, I guess you are right.  It really is lucky for me that you won’t be coming to Mississippi and running into me anytime soon.  Lucky for me because I would really hate to spend an entire shift stuck behind a computer screen filling out paperwork on your pathetic ass and trying to get in touch with your mommy and daddy because their son did something so utterly fucking retarded, that I had a representative from the Guinness Book of World Records call me before your bail bondsman did.  I believe that I would have to charge you with multiple counts of public ignorance, at the least.  I could probably also jail you on felony stupidity, if not charge you outright with capital inbreeding, gerbil smuggling, and other heinous crimes against nature and God’s own laws.

Hell, what am I worried for?

I doubt someone as dumb as you could read a map let alone even find Mississippi, so I don’t have very much to worry about, now do I?

Remember, you use AOL and that pretty much says it all.

“but thanks for the pics.....”

 I must also give some small piddling amount of inherently deserved praise, albeit however unwarranted I feel it is, for your acute abilities at internet site exploration.  Said abilities no doubt being a simple byproduct of your recently successful first time experience with dynamic hyperlinks.

Let me see if I understand what you are saying, Phil.  In your pre-pubescent romp through my domain, you have discovered actual pictures of ME posted somewhere on MY site?  Imagine that !  Who would have thought that there were pictures of ME located on MY site, and all you have to do to find them is to take the time to follow a few simple hyperlinks.

I stand in utter fucking awe accompanied by a nearly terminal case of  jaw dropping amazement at your rapidly developing internet savvy and your astounding powers of deduction, no doubt learned from watching countless episodes of “BLUES CLUES” or reruns of “SCOOBY-DOO”.

“now i know what you resemble..... lol”

A vital part of any insult, Phil, is that you need to finish the insult if you want it to count or make an impact.  Since you did not say what I resembled, let me take a guess at your discovery.  Let’s see, I would resemble … a substantially higher form of life than you can comprehend?  That would be very different than what you resemble, which is a snake pimping butt muppet who can’t figure out anything more complex than AOL …. or which end of a gerbil to shove up their ass.

Am I getting close, Phil?

Oh, let’s throw in the fact that you are an email amateur, an internet virgin, and general all around fucking lame ass loser.  That should round out your resume of failure quite nicely, don’t you think?  Hell, for a loser, you’ve got some impressive credentials.

Phil, even if we did somehow meet in real life (which we won’t because I make it a conscientious habit not to associate myself with utter fucking retards), I doubt that you would have anything to say to me that was more intelligent than “Would you like fries with that?” or “Do you want paper or plastic?”

“oh how i am hoping you reply .....lol....”

Your wish is my command.  Open up and take your medicine, cum clown.

“have a good day officer...”

It could be better.  I'm running on four hours sleep for over forty-eight hours work, the coffee’s cold black syrup that tastes like my partner put a cigarette out in it, but otherwise, it beats the hell out of that time that someone fucked up and constructed a pot of decaf.

Nothing defines "sadism" like drinking decaf while on patrol.

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