For years I’ve told the visitors to my website that I beat up on stupid people, regardless of who they are or what they ride. The difference between Harley riders and import riders is that import riders (for the most part) actively police their own ranks while Harley riders simply do not. Harley riders welcome ignorance and stupidity, they’re afraid to chastise some poser rider or idiot because when it comes to owning a Harley, the prevailing philosophy seems to be “when it comes to having a brother biker riding beside me, I’d rather have an idiot on a Harley than an educated person on a rice burner.” If you chastise another member of The Faithful, no matter how dumb or ignorant they are, you run the risk of being excommunicated from the Church of Willie G. and most Harley riders would rather accept the company of dullards than risk being shut out forever from all of their rented friends and faux admirers. Not so with import owners, we actively try to rid our camp of the idiots (though Darwin and Newton, with a little help from both the Laws of Physics and the Law of Averages, seems to do that for us with more efficiency and a quicker turn around). The prevailing philosophy among import owners is “If you want to act like a retard, buy a Harley.”

Over the years, many Harley owners have chided me for beating up on them in a way that they feel is rather one sided. This may be true, but it is easily explained. If Harley owners cannot or will not police their own camp, then I’m only too happy to do it for them, but, when it comes to someone acting like a retard in my own camp, on a style of bike that I praise and try to advocate in the public eye, then I have some particularly virulent ire reserved especially for that loser. Yes, if there is one thing which I cannot condone, forgive or accept, it is some reckless fool on a sport bike, let alone an uneducated fool who also brags about his stupid stunts.

So, here it is, plain and simple for all of you whiney hillbillies to see. I am about to put a fellow (and I use the term very loosely) sport bike rider in his place, something you are not willing to do with any of your own fellow riders. Stupidity must be stopped and if people’s feelings get hurt along the way, well, that’s just too damn bad, isn’t it?!

Now, with that said, let’s get on to the task at hand, grim as it may be.

Hmmmm.

I almost don’t know where to start on this particular email as it is so open ended and the sub-intellectual pickings are so ripe for dissection and subsequent ridicule… On one hand, we have DoN GuStAvO, a self trained, no-questions-asked suppository smuggler who likes to brag about doing triple digit, second gear, high speed fly-bys of large groups of tour bike riders yet he claims that my website scares him. DoN GuStAvO also says that I’m weird, strange, mentally unstable and should never have been issued a sidearm because, well, gosh, obviously some poor, unsuspecting, innocent person could get hurt really really bad if the powers that be were to put some psychopath like me in charge of such an incredibly destructive weapon as a fully loaded 9mm semi-automatic handgun. Never mind that I’ve been given not only the extensive training required to carry and use this weapon, but also the good, God-given common sense, wisdom and judgment required to know when,  where and how to use my sidearm. The fact that I pray to God every night that I’ll never have to use my sidearm in its intended capacity is probably irrelevant to those who like to think of me as some cowboy with a badge who gets off by dressing up in front of a mirror and pretending to be the subject of an episode of COPS. DoN GuStAvO says all of this while at the same time, he, an untrained, unskilled, inexperienced virgin rider on one of the most powerful sport bikes ever produced in the history of motorcycles openly brags about willfully breaking the law and severely endangering other innocent people’s lives (including his) for no other reward but his own personal reckless pleasure and glee.  The irony stands apparent.

I was amused at the fact that he begs me to be normal (which I guess means that he thinks I should be more like him or that he somehow considers himself to be normal … shudder). Well, folks, if DoN GuStAvO here is “normal” then I’m glad that I’m weird, strange and mentally unstable (at least according to him) because apparently in order to be “normal” like him, I’d have to be severely mentally retarded.

Well, Skippy … (I’m going to call you “Skippy” because I don’t feel like hitting the shift key for every other letter of your name when I spell it (which itself is a very Everquest / AOL / junior high thing to do)) ... You say you’re a sport bike rider, but the sad fact is that you write and spell worse than most Harley owners I’ve had the ill-fortune to encounter on the Internet. I swear I don’t know which is funnier… the fact that you honestly take yourself seriously or the fact that you somehow expect other more intelligent people to do so. After reading your email (and laughing all the way through at all of the spelling, punctuation and grammar errors) I have come to the foregone conclusion that you must surely have ridden the short yellow bus to school for many, many years before you ever swung your legs over the saddle of a motorcycle. I find your lack of competency with the basic usage of the English language disturbing and predict that your naturally low IQ will almost certainly condemn you to a life sentence of menial labor at minimum wage with no possible hope for parole.

Let’s look at what you have written, shall we?

You freely admit that you are a brand new rider, with no experience, no training and obviously no discernible riding skills whatsoever and yet you brag about buying what can arguably be called one of the world’s most powerful full liter sport bikes in production? What an absolutely brilliant idea! What intrigues me is why you thought a Kawasaki ZX-10 Ninja, with well over 150 rear wheel horsepower on tap stock, would be an ideal first bike / learner bike let alone why any power sports salesman with an IQ higher than their shoe size didn’t try to steer you clear of such a bitterly poor decision. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if you didn’t even have a motorcycle endorsement on your license (if you actually have a license at all for that matter). SQUIDs like you seldom do have a motorcycle endorsement …

Normally, a brand new, inexperienced rider on a full liter sport bike would be a monumental bad thing worthy of endless ridicule in and of itself but when you combine that rather glaring lack of good personal judgment on your part with your inane and immature bragging about all of the foolish stunts you are doing on your new bike, then it is my professional opinion, gained through over 25 years of riding experience, that you are a Darwin award waiting to happen.

Yes, here we have you, a self proclaimed, uneducated, SQUID on a full liter sport bike bragging about how you blow away bigger, heavier bikes, sometimes twenty in a row in a single pass and you somehow think that I, a well educated, highly trained police officer, am somehow more of a menace to society than you and your recklessly ridden sport bike are? Laughable! You set a bad example for everyone else, you define and reinforce the negative sport bike stereotype, you have the intellectual, grammatical and typing skills of a masturbating monkey and you somehow think that I’m weird, abnormal and dangerous? Your naivety is only surpassed by your own innate stupidity (though it was a very close race).

So ... you think I’m dangerous because I hurt a few idiots’ feelings?   Have you looked at how you ride? Do you think that you’re a good enough rider to be attempting the stunts that you are attempting? I bet your Ninja is far more of a threat to the general public than my sidearm will ever be.  Why?  Because I bet the front end of your Ninja gets waved around in public far more often than my 9mm ever does. Do you want to know what the real difference between my 9mm sidearm and your 1000cc Ninja is, Skippy? There’s a brain behind the finger on the trigger of my weapon. I really can’t say the same in your case.

Do you know what scares me, chimp? Do you honestly want to know what scares me?

You.

You scare the ever living rabid jackal piss out of me because you represent not only a total failure of the American public education system (and the generation of fast food employees who will be fucking up my order for years to come) but you also represent the dark side of sport bike ownership, the reckless kind of blatant ignorance and rampant stupidity that both causes the public to collectively think of our bikes (and us in turn) as “dangerous” as well as causes our insurance rates to go up across the board. Fools like you (and the stupid stunts you pull in traffic) are the primary cause of high insurance rates (and high casualties among reckless young riders) because the smart and mature sport bike riders (like me) have to collectively pay for the singular stupidity of idiots (like you).

"Advise?"  You want to give me some "advise?"  Skippy,  you have nothing to base your “advise” to me on and you’re too young to be offering anyone anything even remotely resembling “advise.” Normally, I’d thank you for the “advise” that you offered but that would be implying that I actually thought anything of your “advise” in the first place or that I had some modicum of respect for you as a fellow human being / rider (which I don’t in either case). Allow me, in turn, to offer some very good, heart-felt advice (notice the correct spelling of the word “advice”) that is drawn on over thirty seven years of life experience (with over a quarter of a century worth of riding experience). If you choose to ignore the following friendly advice, trust me, I won’t lose any sleep over it.

You don’t need a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-10, Skippy. You need a Mattel Big Wheel™ and you shouldn't be allowed to ride it anywhere but your parents' driveway without direct supervision.