"Observations From the Greybar Hotel" or "How I Ruined My Summer Vacation"
by Mike Haney, excerpted from The ABATE of Iowa D24 Newsletter, October 1997 and ABATE of Iowa's "Free Way Flyer"
I just returned from a week in the pokey. I quess that after paying taxes for the last 30
years, I finally got to reap some of the benefits. You know, an OWI is never fun, but the
second one under the new laws enacted by this regime last July 1st kinda turned it up a
notch or two. It's bad enough now that the judge remarked that the legislature has gone
nuts over this stuff. If you don't think so, let me explain a few things.....
Let's see, hire a lawyer. Mine is a good friend of mine so he didn't hurt me too bad. $360
total. It could've easily been a grand. Hand your license over to the IDOT for a year.
That should take me right up to the State Line Raly next year. My wife doesn't love, or
even like anyone before 10am. Her taking me to work at 6 am should be punishment enough
all by itself. .
Four weeks of outpatient treatment. Four nights a week, 3 hours a night in Iowa City.Leave
for work at 6 am, home by 10 pm for a month.
The fine!! What a whopper. $1500. Add a 30% surcharge and $50 court costs and it's 2 grand
on the nose. Ouch. $200 victim reparation fee. There was no damned victim.
DUI class. Listen to some person tell you what a bad person you are while everyone bitches
about being there. Then there's the insurance. Boy that'll be good. I'd better put the
stock HD go-slow parts back in the Dyna.
Then there's the pokey. A week in jail, mandatory. No way around it. You could rob, kill
or molest a child and get probation. Just don't swerve leaving the scene. Apparently the
robbers, murderers and molesters haven't pissed off the mad mothers yet, otherwise they'd
be in the same boat. Something else popped up recently. I can't enter Canada. If only they
understood that there's no way I'd drink that swill they call beer up there.
Something for you unfortunates that have been busted before: that OWI you got in 1992 and
dropped off of your record in 6 years is back on it as your first offense. They go back 12
years now instead of 6. Your first is still a first and the new one is a second. Heaven
forbid you get a third because you can get 5 yrs for that one.
The Pokey
I made some mental notes about my visit. I had to make mental notes since I went in on
Sunday and your order from the commissary doesn't come in until Thursday afternoon. I
didn't have pen, paper, shampoo or razor until midweek.
Anyway, here's a few of my observations form the Greybar Hotel.....
Interpreters....
You don't need them to be bilingual in jail. If you ask what they're saying, they will
tell you. Or at least tell you something. It does help to have a rudimentary knowledge of
Spanish cuss words so you know if you should be mad or not. Fell free to reciprocate.
After "shhh'ing' them for an hour while they jabbered at 2 am, I politely screamed
"shut the fuck up", at which point it became very quite. Communication is a
wonderful thing. How would the world get along without it?
The Spanish Channel is pretty hilarious once you figure out what they're saying.
Clothing
Since the only possessions allowed are toothbrush, toothpaste, soap and a comb, the
pockets on the jumpsuit must be for the toothpaste and toothbrush. It sure as hell isn't
for pencil and paper.
Food
Most jail food is pretty inoffensive. Some is good, some inedible. One advantage of being
the old guy is that the young guys were never forced to eat what was put in front of them.
They are still in the 'I'm not going to eat this, you can't make me" mode, like if
it's not pizza or a cheeseburger, it's not worth eating. What they don't realize is that
they can't nuke a corn dog later. They turn up their noses at the food, and old farts like
me that realize it's 6 hours to the next meal go ahead and eat the best stuff out of their
lunch. Kids, you just gotta love 'em.
The jailer got indignant when I told him the I wouldn't eat powdered eggs. He said
"they're frozen eggs"' as I looked at the rubbery lookin' mess. I thought
"yeah, and they're also inedible".
How to get rid of ham before it spoils, or I wish I was Jewish so I didn't have to eat
this shit.
Eggs for breakfast on Monday, ham for dinner Monday night, (doesn't look like USDA grade A
ham either. kinda weird colors in places. Eggs with ham Wednesday breakfast, macaroni with
cheese and ham on Friday.
Baseball size chunk of tasteless meatloaf. 1 packet of Ketchup. Yum. Had a Mexican comment
that "you people eat ketchup on everything". never been a "you people"
before. Not sure I liked it.
Mystery poultry surprise. Take broccoli cheese sauce, toss in some rice (at least I hope
it was rice), and the poultry of your choice. Don't tell anyone what kind of bird it is.
Surprise! Truly discriminating tastebuds can identity the variety of bird. I need more
clues.
And you think the ham in macaroni and cheese was weird, try macaroni and cheese stone cold
with some weird veggies in it. It looks like macaroni and cheese on your plate, but when
you put it in your mouth, it's nothing like you expected.
Going to work? We'll send along a lunch. Mystery meat sandwiches. Could be turkey, could
be bologna.Who knows? Ketchup or mayo? A bag of chips, a tiny box of Hi-C and two cookies.
Got a bonus cookie once, made my day.
Pancakes, not bad. Roll 'em up like a burrito and dip 'em in syrup. Ever tried to eat
pancakes and syrup with a spork? It's less messy to use your fingers.Actually, use your
fingers whenever possible instead of a spork.
Unanimous vote. The jerk that invented sporks should be killed.They only thing they're
good for is inadvertently starting food fights as you try to stab your food and it
launches across the table. It's a well known fact that 87% of prison riots break out
because of spork related incidents. The guy that thought them up also invented spandex, so
that really big people can look really bad in public. The guy is a sadist and really
should be dealt with.
100 and 1 uses for a spork. Take a spork and throw it in the trash. Repeat 100 times.
Saturday night is yellow food night. Potato salad, applesauce, mystery poultry suspended
in yellow goo with veggies, smeared across leftover biscuits from breakfast the other
morning. Inoffensive, yet filling.
Honestly folks, I hope you learn from my experience. The local law enforcement are
zealously enforcing the drunk driving laws, and cut no slack. It's extremely expensive,
enormously inconvenient to you and those around you. The chances of being injured or
injuring others compounds exponentially with the quantity of alcohol you consume. I'd hate
to interview you for the next edition of "Observations From the Greybar Hotel".
Ride safe and have a great summer.
Mike