______________    TO WHICH I REPLIED    _______________

I must say that your email could be very thought provoking and truly interesting, that is, if you were a 12 year old AOL user who also had a Geo-Cities site and did nothing but rave about Dragon Ball Z and Pokemon.  Wow! Just look at those metaphors! Outstanding! Now you are truly using terms and descriptions that are clearly going to leave the rest of your knuckle dragging inwrought brethren light years behind in the turbulent red-blue shift that will mark your mental wake. My suggestion is that you better hold back some of that throttle otherwise you might inadvertently upset some of the more placid sheep when you make that quick jump to mental hyper-space.

What you have just described sounds like a whole hell of a lot of stupid when you look at it! You sound like a real expert on stupidity. I imagine you as being the Harley riding version of "Bill Nuy the Science Guy" only you deal more in stupidity than exact science (and you apparently can draw upon years and years of personal experience). I do enjoy talking to someone who is self-taught and you, sir, are evidently fully self taught in the art of stupidity.

How ever did you get so smart on this subject? It must take many years of living and working among insipid and insalubrious Harley riding cock to ass robbers to become qualified at your distinct level. I believe that explanation would go far to make you the quintessential "Jane Goodall" of typical Harley Davidson riders, now wouldn’t it? That’s quite an accomplishment! And undoubtedly you will publish your life’s work in book form for all of us to share and enjoy.  I suggest that you call it "Ignorant inbred stump fuck rednecks in the midst." I look forward to reading it, I truly do.

Wow! I mean, just WOW! There’s obviously a whole lot more of this "stupid" present around us than what you previously mentioned or anyone realized! We are definitely talking stupidity on an almost universal scale. I truly didn’t realize that much "stupid" (atomic symbol STU) could exist in a wholly meta-stable form outside of Milwaukee and possibly Sturgis (which does not have the atomic symbol of STU). Normally I would be motivated to extreme levels of personal alarm at the scientific facts that you have presented, that is, if I were to take what you have presented as scientific fact, which I do not. I have a completely different hypothesis that I would like to share with you, from one educated individual (namely myself) to a rather clever chimp who is merely trying to emulate an educated individual (namely you).

It is interesting that you have discovered this much "stupid", but I seriously think that you need to recalibrate your Stupidetector™. Why? Well, our discussion reminds me of a story of another ‘highly educated’ individual, actually little more than a chimp, now years past. You see, this ‘highly educated’ individual traveled from one of the prestigious universities in the northern part of my state to the Tatum salt domes down in Lamar county, MS. Since you are so well educated, you will invariably know that the Tatum salt domes were used for underground nuclear testing back during the height of the Cold War.

(This nuclear testing, of course, produced lots of hard radiation which itself has to be specifically shielded from contaminating the local populace. You and I both understand that radiation in large amounts is a bad thing, and that it has very bad effects on people. Radiation can make humans sterile, can cause various types of horrible cancer, lead to birth defects and may even later lead to advanced mental retardation. Often times, this advanced state of mental retardation may at first be undetectable, but in the years to come will be all too evident when your children start wanting to ride Harleys, drape themselves in American flags, and get great big tattoos of rattle snakes on their pasty white flabby buttocks.)

This ‘highly educated’ individual brought his test equipment to the salt domes to take readings and to look for any radiation leaks. During this procedure, he discovered a bunch of highly radioactive frogs! Oh, heavens! Irradiated amphibians! That must have meant that the salt domes were leaking into the natural supply of ground water! That was surely cause for great and unprecedented panic! This ‘highly educated’ individual raised a great stir among the normally placid sheep of the population on the inherent danger of residual effects of nuclear testing and how the government wasn’t adequately protecting the people or their ground water from leaks and contamination! More tests were called for and when these poor little radioactive frogs were shipped off way up north to the advanced educational institution. Well, surprise, surprise, when the frogs were tested again, they were no longer radioactive!

What could have happened?

We all know that radiation doesn’t just go away, there is the theory of half-life and residual decomposition of heavy atomic elements, but I digress. The point is that the radiation had to go somewhere and it sure as hell didn’t just jump off the frogs and off the back of the old flat bed Ford truck the frogs were being chauffeured around in. So, where did all of the radiation go? Why weren’t the frogs radioactive anymore? Well, come to find out, that it wasn’t the frogs that were radioactive in the first place; it was the field test instruments that had become irradiated, and were in turn, picking up their own emitted radiation and reporting it.

I think this is clearly what is happening in your case.

My thought on this matter is that your Supidetector™ is functioning along those same lines. Oh, your instrument is still working, but I’m afraid you aren’t detecting any new stupidity. Rather, you’re just reading the massive amounts of what is in your own vicinity. These high levels of stupidity are, in turn, simply the residual contamination from your own constant personal overuse of your instrument. The good news is that stupidity is only contagious on a limited basis; it can only be contracted from long-term close proximity exposure to a high level source of stupidity or on an inherently genetic level passed along by sexual reproduction. This means, quite simply, that you must either be around something stupid or someone stupid for years at a time in order for the stupid to wear off on you, or you must fuck or be fucked by someone who is stupid in order to pass the highly undesirable trait of stupidity on to the rest of the gene pool.

This shouldn’t be a reason to be alarmed, though, especially in your case.

Clearly, since you are such a pencil-dicked, ass-twinkie, no one in their right mind would want to be around you for more than three minutes at a time (thus greatly limiting their own personal exposure to the otherwise dangerously high levels of stupidity emitted by you). It will also be a divine miracle if a fertile woman with more than three good teeth in her head and an IQ of more than forty ever lets you within two hundred feet of her sexual reproductive organs. If you do manage to somehow close to breeding range then I can only hope and pray that this unfortunate female victim of yours never allows you the eight point three nine seven seconds it would require for your cold fetid seed to spastically rush forth from your otherwise taciturn loins as you bump and grind yourself against her, all the while whooping and hollering like the spastic igmo-chimp that you are.

These two scenarios being the absolute worst case scenarios, and the highly unlikely chance that either will ever come about, I really don’t think we have anything to worry about, at least in regard to you contaminating the rest of the human race with your pestilential DNA, now do we? My suggestion is that you get a new Stupidetector™. You’ve obviously contaminated yours by playing with it too much.

"I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me."

I’m glad you came out of the closet and admitted to that. Admission is the first part of the twelve-step program to cure ignorance. Selling your Harley is the second step, but we’ll get to that later in the recovery process. I was seriously thinking the same thing you were when I first read your email; "Does this guy seriously know that he’s about to have a personal epiphany of individual sized stupidity served up and shoved all the way right down his throat? Naw. I bet he doesn’t…." I figured it would at least be interesting to watch this unfold, kind of a controlled experiment, if you would.

Oh, dear. They found where you were hiding, didn’t they? Well, good luck, and remember, when they go to put the electrodes on your head, yell out "Red is positive, black is negative you lab smocked dickheads!" It might make them pause just long enough to consider if you really need state doctor prescribed electroshock therapy or not. It’s worth a try!  Oh, sorry, I forgot.  Chimp can't talk, but you sure can type like a motherfucker and that's a given.

You’re argument never truly had very much strength to begin with, in all honesty. Apparently, a hamster in its exercise wheel generates more raw neural power per second than you do in a month of Sundays. You have managed to come across as nothing more than a highly adaptive chimpanzee that is somewhat accomplished at imitating observed human physical behavior, however, you also do it rather badly. Your email is a direct, and sadly pathetic attempt to emulate my style and prose, when none of it comes across as original or witty in the least bit. They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. You, on the other hand, are truly insulting me in your feeble attempt at duplication. Stop it this instant or I'll hit you with a rolled up newspaper and send you rolling head over heels back across the laboratory.

"You have shown yourself to be an apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebro, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ityphallic, jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome, xylocephaloous, yirning zoophyte."

And you have shown yourself to be just smart enough to log on to Webster’s online dictionary (websters.com) and run common words through their Thesaurus function and then cut and paste the big sounding obscure words into a semi-coherent and random jumble that ultimately impresses no one but yourself. Congratulations! Not only are you a wholly unoriginal predisposed simpleton chimp, but you are a rather tragically farcical one as well.

Ouch. You really hurt my feelings with that witty stab! I may never recover completely! You know, I haven’t had someone use such blatantly hurtful and scathing words on me in that manner since I was in kindergarten. Since I am a highly educated person and you, on the other hand, are only a well trained chimp trying to cleverly emulate a human being, I knew exactly what each of your words meant long before you deigned your need to clarify them for me. Thank you for exactly nothing. Others who visit this site regularly may truly not know what these strange words mean, so I thank you for saving me the trouble of going through your irksome retort and having to translate all of that kibble for the good readers out there. You may have not taught me anything new, but the vocabulary of some of the loyal visitors here has no doubt been inadvertently enriched by your own unintended display of ignorance. Who says that something good can’t come from something bad?

Ah, good. I see that you’ve taken this special time to truly humiliate yourself publicly. While you have used many quaint and obscure adjectives that sound impressive to the uninitiated, you have, in the fashion of the dullard that you are, lumped these seemingly powerful words together in a rather lackluster jumble. This sad, vain attempt to prove to the world that you are the more educated only proves the opposite.  Where my reply is seamless, your reply looks like two dissimilar halves were sandwiched together with J.B. Weld and gerbil spit.

The Webster’s site Thesaurus function allows self proclaimed cock to ass robbers like yourself to put one word in and the online thesaurus spits out another group of similar words entirely. It is all preprogrammed learned behavior, I’m afraid, kind of like the chimp learning which button to press to get a treat and which button to press to get an strong electric shock applied to his external genitalia. I hope that you are a quick learning chimp, as you have just discovered which button not to press, now haven’t you? I do so enjoy putting the ‘negative’ back in ‘negative reinforcement’.

The difference between you and I is that I actively understand and genuinely use the words that I display here in every day communication with other human beings. You, on the other hand, saw my use of these interesting words on my web site and thought that you would be clever by imitating me and looking up equally impressive words. You are a clever chimp but not very bright! Congratulations. I give you a gold star for effort, but ultimately I have to call bullshit on your mental prowess and language skills. But then, when you ride a piece of antediluvian hardware that vibrates your gray fruited melon like a paint shaker at the local hardware store, it’s no wonder that your skull sounds like a rattle can of spray paint when you cruise by.

I’m adding you to a special place in my heart. You are truly one of the more affable examples of the rectum worshipping non-erudite pedant muppet chimps that I have come to love so much as being such an easily recognized member of the group that I refer to collectively as "Harley owners".

Have a nice Heuristically Deficient day as well, chimp. Your latifolous reply has earned you a place on my site. As a reward for your amusing antics, I offer you this fresh yellow banana and command you to get back in the closet.