Lorne of the Great White North (and the lesser mental prowess)

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From:  Lorne Babcock <lbabcock1@shaw.ca>
To:     blackecho
Subject:  American angst
Sent:  Wed, 26 Feb 2003
 

Meaning exactly what? United States angst, North or South American angst? What? I was sick recently and needed to flog someone and who better than the Yanks. Enjoy and reflect!

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America (Note our unfortunate use of the real name for your country). We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of the United States. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. When you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

We are sorry about the state of your First Nations People. Not every country can look back with pride to times in the history of their country like Wounded Knee.

We are sorry that we are unable to supply you with more electricity. We understand that all of those electric chairs really need a lot of power.

We are sorry that you had to spend so much money stopping racial cleansing in Kosovo. It's not like you couldn't have used some of that at home.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

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To which I replied

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“Meaning exactly what? United States angst, North or South American angst? What?”

It means that I’m sick of a group of greedy troglodytes reproducing the same old outdated product decade after decade, slapping a pair of American flags on it, and presenting it to the world as the essence of what it is to be an American.  I'm an American, a real American (without the little trademark symbol on the end) and I'm angry at what some company produces and what they are calling "American".  I'm proud of my country, therefore I have high standards for what is used to represent it.

“I was sick recently and needed to flog someone and who better than the Yanks.”

This coming from a country that our Salvation Army could invade and conquer on a bad day... Sorry to hear that you were sick recently, Lorne. Did that socialized medicine and health care help you to feel better?

“Enjoy and reflect!”

Oh, I will. Trust me! Bwahahahahaha! Trust me!

“On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America (Note our unfortunate use of the real name for your country). We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.”

I doubt you speak for Canadians everywhere but since you’re descended from French occupied territory, with a long history of French intervention, your ignorance is to be expected. We, as Americans, forgive you, because we know you simply are incapable of doing any better.

It’s not your fault, Lorne.  After all, with your long history of French heritage, you come by it naturally.

”I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of the United States. After all it's not like you actually elected him.”

George Bush isn’t a moron, unless you believe the liberal controlled media which takes no brains to do.  George Bush might be the one last saving grace of this country, we can't stand any more liberal democrats in office.   No, George Bush almost didn’t get elected, thanks to the leftist political socialist Nazis in this country. The socialists in our country tried to use the courts and their self appointed judges to carry the day in their favor, removing the rights of the citizens, and instead resorting to something that no longer resembled a republic. The fact that Bush is in office at all, that our Constitution hasn’t been torn up and used to wipe Bill Clinton’s ass on PBS or the next stain from Monica’s dress, and that we still survive as a union of states is a miracle in my mind. I give the union ten years before the socialists tear it down and then stand around with their thumbs up their ass gawking and wondering what went wrong and why. Then it will be up to people like me to take out the trash and put this country back together the way it was intended to be; God, guns, and guts.

I believe that George Bush is doing just fine, I support my president.  Your government has Canada so fucked up now that there are Canadians sneaking out of Canada and across the border into America.  What exactly does Canada produce that’s world class, except maybe some hockey?  I can't think of anything unless there has been a recent market upswing in idiots of which you might suddenly find yourself a very valuable commodity.

”I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.”

I’m sorry as well. Living in a state of the union that has more trees than people allows me to yawn mildly at this argument and ignore it completely.  Nothing about Canada can really be said to give me wood.

”I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.”

If professional sports is your claim to fame for your country, you’re in worse shape than you think. Oh, that’s right, it’s hockey. Your chief export to the world. What else do you produce and export? I forgot…

”I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.”

If the Canadian military forces sole claim to fame in their entire history is burning down a big house, then you don't have very much to be proud of.  Here's an idea, Sparky.   Try it again.  Oh, and when you did that little zippo raid, that was part of the French military excursions into the country. Well, the French never won any wars, so you burnt down a big house. Yawn. We beat back a super power when we were just thirteen little redneck colonies. Oh, yeah, and about two hundred years later, we vaporized two entire cities and everyone who lived there. And you want to brag about burning down a big house that was in walking distance of your border?

Get real.

”I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.”

I don’t drink beer, it’s horse piss, no matter the label or manufacturer. Sissies drink beer, and watch hockey. I take my whiskey neat.

”I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. When you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.”

Everyone but the French who kept putting off the war and writing poems about peace right up until it was too late.   Much like they are doing now.  Once again, Canada is just showing its French heritage. The French demanded proof of Hitler’s weapons and gearing up for war as well, waffling on going to war with Germany. Hitler was only too happy to give the French the proof they so desperately cried out for when his Panzers rolled into Paris. 

And in case you haven’t been keeping up on current events (I understand if you want to stick your head in the sand and go “la-la-la-la” until the next hockey season starts) Iraq actually does have weapons of mass destruction, chemical weapons (which technically are not weapons of mass destruction but are instead weapons of area denial), and they were building a weapons grade reactor back in the early ‘80’s (the French were helping them, imagine that).  That is, until the Israeli Air Force displayed an amazing feat of long range piloting and pinpoint precision bombing in taking out the reactor (I think the casualties were one French scientist, who should have been in church on Sunday rather than trying to help a madman develop a nuclear weapons research program).

Hussein has many missiles which are not allowed by the United Nations (itself a rather inept joke). Hussein is as dangerous or more so than Hitler. I’ll understand if you want to waffle on helping the US, after all, your country is rich in French heritage and waffling is what you do best.

If Iraq deploys their Republican Guard hockey team on the battlefield, I’m sure Canada will finally get its chance to shine and show the world what they are made of.

“We are sorry about the state of your First Nations People. Not every country can look back with pride to times in the history of their country like Wounded Knee.”

Oh, you mean the American Indians, the REAL Americans.

I feel sorry for them as well, sometimes, but history marches on and I can't spend the rest of my life looking back on something I wasn't part of.  There are many, many races of people that have either been integrated into the mass of the conquerors or stamped out underfoot. Look at the French, they’ve had a long history of rolling over and exposing their belly, never winning a war, and basically stabbing their friends in the back just to prolong their own pitiful existence. Then there are the countries which were settled by France and later kind of left to their own accord, you know, countries like Canada.

I think the national motto of your country should be: “If you don’t expect too much from us, we might not let you down.”

“We are sorry that we are unable to supply you with more electricity. We understand that all of those electric chairs really need a lot of power.”

The electric chair doesn’t take a great deal of power to use, Lorne, mainly because we don’t use it as often as we should. You see, we live in a country where it is perfectly legal to kill unborn, defenseless children still in the mother’s womb, but it is cruel and unusual to kill an adult human being who has murdered another human being.

I have a better idea on what to do with all our criminals; we can ship them to Canada and let you pay for keeping them alive.  Better yet, why don't we just introduce them back into society on your side of the border?

I bet those kind of people would make a hell of a hockey player.

“We are sorry that you had to spend so much money stopping racial cleansing in Kosovo. It's not like you couldn't have used some of that at home.”

Don’t I know it! There we had a liberal democrat president getting oral sex in our White House (the one you burned down and we rebuilt, remember) and he had to get the blame and attention off of his extra-marital affair as quickly as he could, so he started blowing up children’s aspirin factories in the Sudan and bombing two groups of people who are never going to get along ever, all in order to try to get them to stop bombing each other. I love it when liberals and socialists get in power, they don’t have a clue. I say let them kill each other, it’s not our business, they’ve been doing it for centuries. I also laugh at the silly liberal notion that if two races of people are bombing one another, that we should in turn bomb them in an effort to get them to stop bombing each other. I guess it makes sense, in a liberal kind of way.

I'm all for shutting off all aid to every other country, except our staunchest allies.  If you want to talk bad about us, fine, but don't expect us to send you a check or come to your aid when the going gets tough.   That's the policy I would adopt, spend all that money we're giving away to Africa for AIDs and to other countries like Canada and spend it here, to make America better.   We have a broken house, we need to fix this house first, before we start lending money to other people to fix their houses.

Here's a big clue: pacifists and liberals should never be allowed to be generals or commanders in chief.  Bad things happen both to the military, and the world.

”And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.”

We’re not upset with you, Lorne, because we are an understanding nation. We understand that you’re the way you are simply because you’re originally descended from the French, which are not only a bunch of bread carrying, wine drinking bicycle riding pansies, but who have also never won a war in the history of their nation. We forgive Canada for its massive amount of ignorance, it’s your heritage, and your political climate, you can’t help it and you come by it naturally.

And as for being scared that we’re going to invade you, what do you have to offer?

A socialized culture, based out of lackluster French heritage, a bunch of welfare lemmings looking to the government for a handout. You have no military, you’ve got some guys in red coats on horseback as your claim to fame for law enforcement (who let a terrorist carrying explosives right in past our Northern border with you, thanks for paying attention to something other than hockey), you’ve got some lumber, some beer, and a great hockey team.

Why should America invade you and conquer you?

If we did, we’d just add a bunch of welfare recipients to our already overtaxed system, we’d have to go and add the French language to all of our fast food restaurant menus (just like we had to do for Spanish), we’d have to throw out your military and start over from scratch, abolish your government and set up one that actually worked, and run electricity, plumbing, and a host of other 20th century conveniences that Americans take for granted to your rural areas.

In return, we’d get some lumber (we already have some of that here), we’d get some beer (we have that here as well), and we’d get a hell of a hockey team.

I really just don’t think it’s worth the effort myself. I mean, that’s just too much to take on just for the sake of having a good hockey team.  We figured out how to go to the Moon over 30 years ago, I'm sure the secret of hockey won't be beyond our capacity to understand and improve upon.

So, thank you for the offer, Lorne, but I’m afraid that America must decline your invitation to invade your country. If we go into battle, we at least want to have an opponent who won’t surrender before we even crank up our tanks. Your French heritage guarantees us that you won’t be much fun in a fight, or much of a challenge. Like I said, our Salvation Army invade you and establish martial law, that is, if we wanted to, which we don’t.

There’s just not really any point in going to war with losers.


P.S. Do you know what the world’s two shortest books are, Lorne?

Famous French Military Victories and A History of the Canadian Space Program.

I think we could sum up the motto of the Canadian space program with these words “It’s like really cold and dark in space, and like there’s no hockey or beer, or trees, so why would we want to go? Eh?”

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