Studies have shown that you are using
only 10% of your total brain capacity... (3% if you are a
NASCAR fan)
Mind if I screw with the other 90% of it?
optipessimism: looking forward to
seeing the dumb in people.
BLACK ECHO'S views on life as he sees it.
I wanted to get a bomber jacket made out of white leather and if people ever asked me if it was made out of leather, I would shake my head and say "No, it's not." If they asked me what it was made out of, I would remind them of the adorable cartoon character from a long time ago and simply reply that the jacket was made out of genuine Schmoo.
__________________________________________________________
I bet Giraffes can really deep throat.
__________________________________________________________
My bowels moved last week
but they didn't leave a forwarding address. The problem is that I'm still
getting all of their junk mail.
__________________________________________________________
After a big meal, I reached down and tightened my belt an extra notch. My dinner
date noticed this and laughingly commented that most people let their belt out a
notch or two after a big meal. I told them that most people considered a belt a
fashion accessory whereas I considered it more of a bowel tourniquet.
____________________
PREVIOUS DARK THOUGHTS
____________________
I
saw an article the other day on the Drudge Report about the clueless automatons
who are working in Obama's headquarters and there was this larger than life
stylized artwork behind them of Obama. Granted, it looked a little like
it had been rasterbated but for the rest of the day I couldn't get that picture
out of my mind because it reminded me of something I had seen before. It
wasn't until later that night that my mind finally placed the similarity
between the picture of Obama hanging up in his HQ and ... the Jesus face used
in George Lucas' early film "
Obama the Messiah!
Blessings for the masses.
Blessings from the masses.
Consume!
Donald Pleasance stands before the large image used
by the television systems
to beam the state's Messiah out to the masses in George Lucas' early
masterpiece
of what we can expect if Obama and the socialists ever get elected ... "
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I
see where Obama, the Unifier, has sent his own team of dirt commandos to
__________________________________________________________
Recently, I saw an article where there was a fashion
show in
The Jugger-not
AKA "The Pretentious Ass-Hat designed by same"
Now, who in their right mind would ever wear something as ridiculous as that in public let alone pay good money for it? I’m convinced that people like this would be laughed out of public places if there weren’t so many “victim” laws out there to protect idiots like this. The point of this jab is that I've seen this particular bit of fashion before but I think that Marvel did it far better.
The Jugger-naut (and no, you really don't want to make fun of his ass-hat)
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WTF?!
Seen at the Kangaroo fuel stop on Hwy 98 and Hwy 13
intersection,
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Another
bumper sticker I came up with.
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You know ... I don't require a whole lot from the hotels that I stay at on business trips because when it comes to accommodations I'm pretty much a Spartan in terms of comfort and convenience. However, one of my top five rules of staying anywhere is that if room service is going to clean my bathroom while I'm out then there has to be fewer pubes on the toilet (not more) when I get back to my room than when I left it earlier that morning.
That's just a given in my book.
True story ...
Now, I'm a pretty neat person when I travel and I don't like to cause grief for room service by making messes that they have to clean up (just because, like, they have to clean it up because like, that's their job) so suffice it to say that if I somehow leave a pube or two behind in the natural human processes that life itself revolves around (and I happen to see said pube) then I'm not above cleaning up behind myself. Why? It's just common decency. I couldn't imagine a job where I had to go around and not only do the pube patrol each day but to do it a hundred or more times? The people who clean hotel rooms see it all, and realizing that, I try my hardest not to tear up a room in such a way that they're going to have to really work to get it back to normal. It's a quirk of mine, true, but I guess I both feel sorry for and respect these people at the same time because they're like the rest of us and just trying to make ends meet while getting through this thing we call life. So, long story short, I'm proactively nice to the people who clean my room, even if I never ever see them, when I stay in other locations. Call it being courteous or polite or just being a decent human being. It's my mess, I made it, I'm going to pick up after myself.
However, when I extend this courtesy and I go away and I come back and my bathroom has strange pubes in it that aren't mine ... I begin to wonder just what went on in my room while I was gone ... and do I really want to know ...?
__________________________________________________________
The look on Heath's face was too good to pass up so I added some text ...
It had to be done. Really, it
had to. You can't just go from "
to "Batman" and not expect to get a little ribbing. RIP, bro.
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Screenshot from The DrudgeReport
"Oral arguments set in a sex-sting appeal?"
Sounds hot.
On the other hand, from someone who has had some journalistic training, I would suggest that if you are doing a story about sex that you avoid using the word "sex" and "oral" in the same sentence. If you do then it can only lead to tears and grief.
P.S. - don't get me started on Pelosi. It's great that we have the first female Speaker of the House. It's sad that she's such a loser and won't be remembered fondly ... if she is remembered at all ... by future historians.
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Yes, it's a real road. I bet it gets slippery when wet.
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The other day I was waiting on an HP repair tech to arrive to fix my backup server. The repair tech stated that he would be at my office at 12:00 noon. When 12:30 arrived and no HP tech had shown up, my coworker and I went to lunch. When we returned from lunch, the HP technician still had not arrived at our office so we went about the rest of our day's work. The HP technician finally showed up about 3:30 PM and was announced by my receptionist. Not being a computer savvy person, she inquired what "HP" stood for.
"Apparently it stands for Hardly Punctual." I replied.
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Lately, the vending machine restocker has been rather ... lax. Some of the snacks in the machine in our breakroom were out of date by several weeks and one row of snacks was even out of date by a month. It became depressing to look into the glass area of the vending machine and see all of those dead snacks. Finally, I had had enough and I made up a little sign and taped it to the front of the machine where the vendor would be sure to see it. The sign read:
"This isn't a snack vending machine. It's a funeral parlor for junk food."
Two days later, the sign was gone and so were all of the stale snacks. Since then, whoever stocks the vending machine has been pretty good about making sure that the snacks are fresh.
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Another few Dark Thoughts bumper stickers that I designed, based on stuff I've
actually said to people in public lately.
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From the "We've known that for years" file ...
Recently, Lance Bass of the pop group N-
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I passed by a cemetery today and saw some workers using a back-hoe to prepare a grave. I thought that might be the one job where you could use a heavy piece of equipment like that and not have to "call before you dig!"
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I almost got run off the road today by a van with the Mississippi Department of Public Safety markings on it.
Yes, the irony is bitter-sweet.
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Separated at birth? You be the judge!
"The Incredible Melting Man"
Is it just me or does the CEO of Exxon look a hell of a lot like Peter Griffin
from "Family Guy" ?
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Recently, some studio gangsta worshipping, rap educated loser
painted the words "CROOK FOR
________________________________________________
"Rain feels different to a man who just shaved his head." - me
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From the "ugly stories for beautiful children" file
Having worked as a police officer and in the local trauma center, I've got a
dark kind of twisted, sick humor. You have to when you see people pulped
or burned beyond recognition and you intend to not go crazy after seeing so
much of it. Recently, my daughter started singing part of an old old
nursery rhyme that went like this: "It's raining. It's
pouring. The old man is snoring. He bumped his head and he went to
bed and he couldn't get up in the morning."
My thought was ... yeah, hit his head and went to sleep. That's not a good idea. The reason he can't get up in the morning is because he's dead. A brain bleed will do that to you.
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The only reason someone becomes a poll taker is because they're too stupid to be a telemarketer.
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Any wreck you can walk away from is a wreck you can probably sue someone over.
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JC and I were eating at SONIC one day and we were parked right in
front of the door to the women's room. The first thing we noticed was
that there was a hand written sign (done with paper and pen) taped on the door
which said "Wet Floor." JC looked at the sign after a woman
went into the restroom and he muttered aloud "I wonder why the women's
restroom floor is wet?"
"It's because they don't have a dick to aim with." I said
nonchalantly.
I thought he was going to choke on his burger he was laughing so
hard.
"Of course, I also think the sign is there as more of a caution, not so much a command." I added.
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And while I'm in a rare misogynist mode, I personally like to think of the
menstrual cycle as a "once a month inventory reduction sale"
for the female reproductive system.
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You know, "Skittles" just sounds
like an
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I thought of a new bumper sticker:
"I LOST
MY VIRGINITY AT THE
Yeah, it should sell real well with the
rednecks.
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You know, I spend countless hours of my
life trying to set a good example on the Internet and trying to teach people
that Mississippi isn't populated by barefoot, coverall sporting, straw hat
wearing, banjo playing gap-toothed hillbillies (that's Arkansas) and then my
state government goes and does something like this:
March 28, 2006
House honors late N
The Associated Press
The Mississippi House passed a resolution Tuesday designating April 29 each
year as "Dale Earnhardt Day" in the state.
The NASCAR star, also known as "The Intimidator" was born
Although there are no N
It also says Earnhardt "changed the sport of racing, bridging past,
present and future generations of fans by upholding the finest NASCAR
traditions while remaining a cutting-edge competitor throughout the entirety of
his career."
The resolution was sponsored by a diverse group of 55 House members — Democrats
and Republicans, blacks and whites, men and women. It now goes to the Senate.
A similar resolution passed the Georgia House of Representatives in 2005.
Another one was filed in the
Oh for the love of Milton Bradley!
Now, what you have to understand here is that Dale Earnhardt was not born in
And people wonder why everyone makes fun of
I swear. When I think of how my tax dollars are wasted
keeping these bureaucrats fed and clothed, it sickens me. Apparently,
politicians in
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DARK THOUGHTS BUMPER STICKER
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I've come to realize that trailer parks
are just God's little bowling alleys
and his favorite bowling ball is called a "tornado."
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I've also come to realize that a tornado
is kind of like God's version of a
Black and Decker Dust Buster. It cleans up His little messes.
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Dark Thoughts Bumper Sticker
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You know, in hindsight, that whole thing
about having teeth on zippers
for the fly of your pants really wasn't that great an idea.
________________________________________________
"It's the thought that counts ..." is probably the entirely
wrong thing to say to someone who just found out that you gave them syphilis.
________________________________________________
Dreams incorporating the unwelcome return of codependent ex-girlfriends, time
warps and causality loops generally make for a real piss poor afternoon
nap. Trust me on this, folks. Trust me.
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The scary thing is that one day, technology and science will give us the advent of remote proctology. An even scarier day will be when someone finds out how to hack the system for mischief.
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I wonder if there are any whorehouses that have a drive-thru? I mean, we have drive-thru beer barns, why not a drive-thru whorehouse? Yes, there's money to be made here with this idea but sadly I'm not the one to make it.
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Imagine if Steven Spielberg redid the movie "DELIVERANCE"
He could call it "Close Encounters of the Family Kind."
________________________________________________
My wife and I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia the other night. I remembered, or thought I remembered, that someone had told me that there would be a preview for the new SUPERMAN movie. (I was wrong, it was playing before the new King Kong movie). When I told my wife that we might get to see the preview for the new SUPERMAN movie, she asked me:
"Do you know who is going to play Superman?"
"Well, I know who isn't going to be playing Superman this time around." I said.
Her stare was one of contempt and loathing.
________________________________________________
And speaking of the new Superman movie... I don't know who they
hired to play Superman's arch-nemesis Lex Luthor but if I could make a
suggestion...
Harry Belafonte
"Kryptonite. I simply must find more Kryptonite."
Tangle-eyed people are just naturally
dispositioned towards evil.
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DARK THOUGHTS BUMPER STICKERS
and
Put one on these on the bumper of your car
then
park your car at an Eminem concert.
Hope you have insurance!
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A few months ago, we had a Star Wars
contest to make funny pictures for the
Here's another picture I created but never submitted.
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Lately, SPAM has just really gotten weird...
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Having wheels on your vehicle that make it look like they are still rolling when your vehicle has come to a complete stop is about as stupid as wearing shoes that make you look like you're still walking while you're standing still.
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Another Dark Thoughts bumper sticker I designed:
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Giving illegal aliens a driver's license is like giving a thief a permit to steal. Think about it.
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Being a Katrina survivor, I've had my thoughts on the storm.
Here is a bumper sticker I designed after the debacle that was the aftermath of
Katrina in
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The Dark Thoughts Dictionary defines:
Fematoma- the sub dermal mental
bruising associated
with dealing repeatedly with government idiots.
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The Dark Thoughts Dictionary defines:
FEMA- the Federal Excuse Making Agency
________________________________________________
From what I've learned from the liberals in regard to Terri Schiavo is that
starvation is a peaceful, humane, serene way to die. Therefore, I don't think I
will ever feel guilty about not giving money to foundations like UNICEF or
This is good news for the world! Starvation has now been proven, by the liberals and the media, to not be a horrible way to die.
Yes, I'll sleep better tonight knowing that by not contributing to
U
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I got so cold the other day that if a blind person had rubbed up against me
they would have thought I was talking dirty to them.
________________________________________________
I hate commercials, especially stupid ones. I often complete commercials before they end, answering the questions asked or making snide comments. It's the only way to keep your sanity in a world where commercialism caters to some point lower than the lowest common denominator.
Case in point, there is a commercial on the radio that asks the question:
"What do 5 friends, 1 bag of cheese puffs and 12 hours in the
same car lead to?"
"Premature cannibalism!" I shouted at the radio before hitting the
mute button.
________________________________________________
Can mute people get Tourette's Syndrome? I think someone who communicated
by sign language who
had Tourette's Syndrome would be funny as hell to watch.
________________________________________________
I wonder how all the really fat people got around Wal-mart before they added
those rechargeable electric shopping cars / baskets? Have you been in
Wal-Mart lately? I knew there were some fat people in the country but
damn! Where did these multi-roll mouth breathers come from? Come to
think of it, I didn't really notice all the grossly obese people in Wal-Mart
until they did add the electric carts.
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I wonder when the Franklin Mint will introduce a NASCAR edition chess set?
Not that it would ever actually get used
by the people who would buy it but ...
________________________________________________
I wonder when tampon manufacturers are going to start
making their applicators ribbed for her pleasure...?
________________________________________________
Bridging the international language barrier once again... This caption was seen on a cheap doll toy at a local toy store. The picture was snapped with a coworker's photo phone hence the quality.
"My buttocks can sway rhythmically..."
Yeah, that's
________________________________________________
DARK THOUGHTS BUMPER STICKER
Another bumper sticker I created.
Yeah, I know. I'm going to the special hell reserved for people with overdue library books and those who talk during movies.
________________________________________________
I wonder if deaf people who sign ever eavesdrop on other deaf
people who sign? Think about it, if you communicate by using your eyes and
hands, it can't be that hard to sit across a cafe and just "see" an
entire conversation go on. That would be interesting and probably in poor
social taste...
________________________________________________
Terry Schiavo died for your sins.
________________________________________________
The government keeps taxing cigarettes (not that I smoke) and I was
just wondering... What would the government do if everyone stopped smoking?
Would they start taxing the air that we breathe, kind of like
It could happen.
Think about it! Overweight mouth breathers would be the equivalent of human SUVs!
________________________________________________
I'm sure that there's a fine line between fear and common sense just as I'm sure that it depends on the circumstances as to which side you're standing on.
________________________________________________
Here's a joke guaranteed to make you
popular
around the Monday morning office water cooler
Q: What does a tornado in a trailer park and NASCAR have in common?
A: Any way you look at it, you've got a bunch of rednecks and sheet metal going real fast in a counter-clockwise direction.
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When I mumble to myself and people ask me what I said, I simply say that I can't tell them because it would violate client privilege.
________________________________________________
Who do tow trucks call when they break down?
________________________________________________
If you are going to kill a psychic, should you use a psilencer on your pistol?
____________________________________________________
I dropped my wife off at one of the mall entrances the other day on her assurance that she would be "right out." I had my 2 year old daughter in the back so I thought I would just make a few loops of the parking lot while she listened to her favorite musical CD. After two loops, my daughter fell asleep and I turned the CD player down. After another five loops, I figured my wife would be longer than she estimated so I started to look for a parking spot close to the front where, if my wife came out of the mall, she could see the car. I left one parking isle and spied a spot up close. As I started to turn, a old man in a big GMC pickup truck rapidly cut in front of me and turned down the isle. He had seen me looking that way so he thought he would take the chance that I saw something he didn't. Sure enough, he whipped into the parking spot that I had intended to get. I cruised on down the parking row slowly, lowered my window and pulled up next to him as he was about to cross over to the mall sidewalk at the main entrance where the food court is located. He was a portly beast of a man, a real mouth breather who was already out of breath in the short walk from his truck to the curb.
I didn't intend to say anything to him, but he started the situation by calling out:
"Boy! You got to be quicker than that if you want to find a parkin' spot round cheer!" he said, breathing heavily.
"No problem." I told him. "I wouldn't want to deny a fat old out of breath sweaty bastich like you a parking spot this close to the food court. God knows you sure look like you're starving."
I drove on slowly as he stood there and turned various shades of red and purple.
I hate inconsiderate people, I really do and I have no mercy on them if they provoke me verbally.
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"You might be a redneck if... you shoot up heroin and then use the needle
to pick your teeth."
- courtesy of JC, just out of the blue while we were on a service call.
____________________________________________________
I recently saw a pickup truck with a tag on the front that said "Rubbin'
is Racing!" I thought to myself, rubbing isn't racing. Think of rubbing
not as racing, but more along the lines of heavy petting. In NASCAR
terminology, Rubbin' is just redneck foreplay at 200mph.
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"hermann confucianism melissa excusable contact sonic bushmaster"- No I have no idea what it means, it was just the tag line for a piece of spam I received the other day.
____________________________________________________
Recently, I received an email with a list of things that would change
If Star Trek Went Country-Western
- Every Friday night, the entire crew would head down to the cargo bay for the big tractor-beam pull.
- Original character
Mr. Spock would raise an eyebrow and mutter "fascinating." New
character "
- The Prime Directive would mostly be concerned with restrictions on marriage to other family members.
- Space would still be the final frontier, but the first stop would be Winn Dixie for a case of Busch and some Luckies.
- Good aliens = mullets; Bad aliens = mullets and goatees.
- Every time a new alien was introduced, Spock would say, "Captain, if I may...them's good eatin'."
- Captain Kirk would still sleep with anything that moves - but only if he was related to it.
- Lieutenant Commander Data would be up on blocks in the front yard, waiting for parts.
- Bones' tag-line
would be: "Dammit, Jimbo! I'm a doctor, not a N
- Instructions to the Away Team would be "Set banjos on stun."
- Picard's favorite replicator order would be "Skins. Pork. Fried."
- Before every
commercial the
Well, not to be outdone, I sent this email off to Longmire and he sent back the following additions. I fired off some of my own and we rounded out the list nicely.
- Every time the transporter is used, you can smell possum cooking.
- To keep the role of an engineer with a thick accent, Scottie is replaced with a Cajun.
- The shuttlecrafts resemble trailers.
- The ship would be named the USS Earnhardt.
- Dirty toddlers with full diapers, drinking baby bottles full of coca-cola, would run rampant throughout the ship's corridors, throwing firecrackers at coon dogs.
- The captain's chair would have a cup holder... complete with a big cup that says "Big Sip" or something on it. And an ashtray, of course.
- Don't forget the keys. The ship's personnel would have a thousand keys on a ring with a chain attached to a belt loop. Same with the oversized wallets.
- The floors of the ship would be mud-spattered (and have that diamond-tuck toolbox texture pattern)
- The bridge would be strewn with auto parts, most noticeably would be a transmission sitting on the floor, and lots of old grease stained, smudged repair manuals stacked on top of one another.
- Uhuru's
counterpart would be a woman in dirty jeans and sneakers with a sweatshirt
featuring a faded iron-on of kittens, her hair would be long and tied in
the back with a stupid ribbon in an attempt to make herself look much
younger than she is. She would have a raspy chain smoker's voice and
laugh/cough accordingly. Oh, and she would have a black eye and an unusual
arrangement / small number of teeth.
Then it was my turn...
- Phasers would be replaced with compound bows that fired dynamite tipped arrows.
- Each shuttlecraft
would have a rebel flag painted on top and loudly blare “
- The photon torpedo tubes would be loaded manually with a ram rod, just like old Civil War cannon.
- There would be a moonshine still set up in engineering to take advantage of the limitless power and heat to cook up some old home mash real quick.
- The holodeck would be replaced by a giant virtual shooting gallery.
- Phasers would be muzzle loading.
- All Starfleet uniforms would have a Skoal ring visible on the back pocket.
- Away team members could opt to wear “waders” or “snake boots” when beaming down to a new planet.
- Checkers would replace Vulcan 3D chess and it would be played with a board set on an upturned empty bucket of cooking grease.
- “Deliverance” would take on a whole new meaning when the movie was re-visioned by the Klingons.
- Starfleet would include a set of overalls in their uniform lineup.
- Bare feet would be part of the dress code for ship personnel.
- All starships would include smoking sections and each passage way would have a place to put your buttes and a spittoon as well.
- When the captain asked that hailing frequencies be opened, communication between starships would begin by the comm officer grabbing up a mike and saying “Breaker 1-9 for that Klingon vessel closing fast off our port bow. You got a copy there, good buddy?”
- All male members of the crew would carry a six inch lock blade in a leather sheath on their belt.
- The chief
engineer would wear a “
- The main view screen would have a big “ZENITH” logo just below it and rabbit ears on top.
- Truly outstanding officers in Star Fleet would be honored by having their own velvet painting done of them.
- Spock would play a banjo instead of a Vulcan lyre.
- One of the shuttles would be set up like a tow truck with a winch and tackle ... you know, to bring back the other shuttles that broke down.
- All engineering
crew would get their tools from big red
____________________________________________________
I bet a shoehorn would really help a lot
with first time attempts at sodomy
____________________________________________________
I see where the Navy is going to commission a new Seawolf class
attack submarine in honor of President Jimmy Carter. I wonder if he understands
that it's a NUCL
____________________________________________________
I tried to have a vowel movement yesterday but discovered that I was
consonantipated.
____________________________________________________
The Dark Thoughts Dictionary defines "Hooters" as a large
breastaurant chain popular in the South.
____________________________________________________
Having a decibel limit at a drag strip is like having a speed limit on an
airport runway.
____________________________________________________
I went to the mall the other day and walked by the cookie shop.
In the window was a big cookie that said "Get your own personalized cokie."
To bad they couldn't hire a baker with a
spell checker.
____________________________________________________
I was on the road the other day and I saw a red minivan with Lamar county
plates on it, the owner had written the following message in the rear and side
windows "Fund Public Educaton!"
Sometimes life just hands me these things.
Too bad I didn't have my camera with me.
____________________________________________________
My daughter has gotten into nursery rhymes now so we were playing a CD of
popular nursery rhymes in the car the other day. "This little piggy"
is very dark, in hindsight. Think about it.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went...
"Wee wee wee" all the way home...
The fact that one piggy had roast beef is tantamount to cannibalism. I think
you could substitute
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Do you want more? Of course you
do...!
DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE ONE
DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE TWO
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE THREE
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE FOUR
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE FIVE
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE SIX
DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE SEVEN
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE EIGHT
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE NINE
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DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE TEN
DARK THOUGHTS ARCHIVE ELEVEN
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